You have not gone far down a path, when you see the thing you were going to head for. You are quite happy about this, but still, you are unsettled. The thing you have found in your path is a giant TV. Above the TV are the letters "DOOL."

You sit down, and wonder what it means. All of a sudden, some thick vines grab you, and hold you. The TV screen blurts to life, and speaks.

"Greetings," says the TV, "to the Days of Our Lives channel. All Days of Our Lives. All the time!"

You scream in pure horror! NOT SOAP OPERAS!!!!!!!!! But you are chained by the vines, and cannot move, despite your struggling.

"Here are some of the characters from Days of Our Lives. These are the only interesting people, in Starlight’s opinion. Everyone else stinks!"

Starlight’s voice appears on the screen, as well as pictures of her favourite characters.

Before the character bios begin Starlight shouts: "Keep in mind that the only reason I like this show is because it is so mindlessly stupid! I mean, there is no way this stuff actually happens in real life! But it can so funny at times! I am not some sort of mindless idiot! I do have taste."

Sammi, leaning on a really nice car!

Sammi: Sammy is devious, coniving, and evil. She has constantly tortured her sister, been mean to her mother, and threatened her mother’s friend, Kate. She is a total b*tch, and I mean that! She used to be obsessed with Austin, but now she isn’t. Now she likes Franco. She does have, somewhat, of a good side though, because she loves her father very much. Eventhough she did lie to him when he was dying.

Eric: Eric is smart, and nice. He can be overly trusting. He is Sammi’s twin brother, and the half brother of Carrie. He is so cute! And he plays a good character.

Carrie: Carrie, is smart, and an idependant woman. She sticks up for her familly though, and is nice to every member, except for Sammi, because she hates her half sister for trying to steal Austin. She is married to Austin, but she is realizing she has feelings for Mike (FINALLY!!)

Carrie and Mike, hugging

Mike: Mike is the good doctor. He is kind, compassionate, but knows if someone is walking all over him. He is nice, and is a typical good guy. He loved Carrie for a long time, but he has kept it hidden, because she had married Austin.

Austin: Okay, I don’t like Austin. He is as thick as a brick. But, he’s a nice guy. But kind of dense. Other than that he’s nice.

Nicole: Nicole is nice, but she is a major liar. She is Eric’s girlfriend, but is constantly keeping things from him. She has a very bad past, and she doesn’t want Eric to know about it. She loves him very much.

Roman: I just like Roman, okay! He’s a cop, and the father of Sammi, Eric and Carrie. The only reason I like him is because of his voice, and I hope he gets to whip Stephano’s butt!!!! (Stepheno is the evil guy. You know PURE evil!)

Taylor: Taylor works at Titan, a major bussiness company in Salem, where everyone lives. She is Nicole’s sister, but Nicole doesn’t want anyone to know about it, because Taylor is part of her "sordid past." No one knows that much about Taylor, except that she feels angry towards her sister, and that she is very poor and trying to get through college.

Carrie and Lucas (I can't find a picture of just plain old Lucas on the net....sorry...)

Lucas: I think everyone should like this guy! He has turned into my favourite character throughout the run of the show. Sure, he’s a drunk, sure he had a child with Sammi but didn’t no about it for five years....so what? He is still cool. Lucas is a schemer, and wants to get his way all the time, but that does not mean he is evil. Just very determined. He reminds me of Terrorsaur from Beast Wars, and I always loved Terrorsaur. Lucas doesn’t like trusting people, and is kind of a lone wolf.

Will: How could not like Will?! He is so cute. Will is the son of Sammi and Lucas. Sammi hid Will’s paternity, and said Austin was the father. This made Austin and Sammi a couple. But, it turns out Will is now Lucas’ son. Sammi thinks Lucas is a bad father and wants him away from Will. Lucas has tried to make up for years of not being there with his son, and likes to spend time with him. Will will be pretty mixed up when he grows older! He still thinks Austin is his father sometimes, and is easily influenced by his mother, Sammi.

Franco: Okay, I don’t like Franco any more, because he is too evil. He is also very good-looking, but that is beside the point.

The pictures stop playing on the TV. Starlight’s face appears.

"Now, here are some top tens!" she says, grinning.

You scream and thrash and try to get away, but the vines still hold you tight.

All I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Sammy....

6. Do NOT sleep with your boyfriend’s brother before sleeping with him!

5. Dressing up in a nun’s habit really works!

4. Always lie to your dying father in hopes of getting the man of your dreams.

3. When you get run through with your ex’s car, fake amnesia! You’ll get your ex back, and you’ll get to see your sister suffer!

2. LeAnn Rhymes’s song "How do I Live?" is a go-o-o-od song!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING I LEARNED FROM SAMMY IS:

1. You have to focus on Austin. Not Franco, Austin!

Top 4 Ways for Austin to Die

4. Sammy could loose interest in him and kill him for causing her so much trouble.

3. Laura could kill him for disappointing her son.

2. Mike could kill him for stealing Carrie.

AND THE NUMBER ONE:

1. He could get Carrie really t-ed off about that boxing thing, so she’d kill him!

(Can you tell I don’t like Austin?!)

Top 15 Lines You Will Never Hear On the Show

15. Eric: "Hi, everybody. Guess what, I’m gettin’ married!"

14. Vivian: "I’m going to give away all my possesions and money to the poor!"

13. Abe: "I love you, Stepheno!"

12. Abbey: "Hey, Shawn D, wanna go out tonight?"

11. Stephano: "I’m going to become a monk."

10. Carrie: "That’s right Austin, it’s over."

9. Sammy: "Kiss me, Franco." (Actually, I think she did say that, hehe.....)

8. Laura: "Guess what, I don’t need my medication anymore!"

7. Kristine: "Make love, not war."

6. Mike: "Carrie, you fall in love with me or I’ll blow this place sky high!"

5. Celest: "Screw this vision thing, let’s party!"

4. Edmund: "Bye, Susan, I’m off to get drunk and check out the hot girls in Salem. Don’t wait up!"

3. Shawn D: "It’s okay mom, I don’t really care. Bo can marry Billie."

2. Billie: "I’m having an abortion!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE LINE YOU WILL NEVER HEAR IS:

1. John: "By all means, Roman, take Marlena, I don’t care!"

Top Few Things I Learned From Kate

3. Make sure your worst enemy does not own half the shares in your company!

2. Sammy is a little witch!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING IS:

1. Always interfere with your adult children’s lovelifes. It’s so satisfying! (Right..!)

"Okay" Starlight85 says. "I’m done! You can go back to your regular prgramming!"

The vines let you go. The blood has left your face, and your mouth is dry. You run screaming back to the crossroads