Drumline Constitution

Introduction

Due to the success and popularity of my last book, the Drumline Commandments, I decided to create yet another masterpiece to include any points which may have been omitted or forgotten in the last publication. I’d like to restate that each rule is directed towards every member of the band and not just drummers and that these regulations are to be taken with the utmost of sincerity. I strive to reach a time when I will have complete control over my people and thus will begin with you. Enjoy the following but understand I know all and see all, so any failure to comply with any rule will render vial consequences.
 

Section One: Drummers

Article 1 The drummers have been labeled the troublemakers of the band. This description, although accurate, is insufficient. They should also be regarded as the comedians and most inventive members.

Article 2 The Drumline is without question the most important and most adored section of the group.

Article 3 They are the most admired people in the world. Everyone either wants to be one or sleep with one. (The Drumline Captain may be able to aid you in achieving the second of these goals.)

Article 4 Do not expect drummers to follow directions. They have been trained to ignore any command, especially from authority figures and other drummers.

Article 5 For a drummer, a day is wasted if no rules have been broken. In fact, they take pride in their remarkable ability to get themselves out of any punishment, no matter how serious the offense. It is a goal for some to progress through school without once being disciplined for their misconduct.

Article 6 If you become a drummer, intend on becoming corrupt. No man or woman has ever escaped the grasp of the Drumline’s power to amend one’s ethical convictions.

Section Two: Cars/Driving

Article 1 The car does not make the man. Just because you went out and threw away two grand on a piece of shit car with an impressive name, does not earn you any more admiration. However, this does not mean you can cruise around in some hunk of rusty metal on four wheels and expect no criticism.

Article 2 Volkswagen translates into ‘the people’s car,’ so consider this next time you refer to your vehicle as a ‘pussy wagon.’

Article 3 One is not considered a man until he attempts to drive his car while eating fast food. It is however the greatest of men who manages to slurp down a thirty-two ounce Pepsi and devour a Big Mac and fries all while shifting gears and avoiding oncoming traffic by steering with his knees.

Article 4 No one is impressed by people who drive like assholes. Do not “peel out” unless you know how to and if you do end up in an accident, do not anticipate any sympathy.

Article 5 Make sure the other drivers on the road do not have too much confidence. Break their assurance by giving the finger to strangers and honking randomly for no reason while driving. This makes the road safer for everyone.

 Article 6 If you plan on ‘flipping the bird’ at someone you know, possibly a teacher at your school, make sure to hide your identity sufficiently.

Article 7 A car is only as good as its horn. When you are pissed off, you want a noise that is able to express your anger. What good is it to honk at someone who cut you off if your horn sounds like the damn roadrunner?

Section Three: Conversations

Article 1 Do not ask stupid questions.

Article 2 Small talk can be a good thing, especially when it is used in a flirtatious manner. But, always approach the person with more than one thing to say in case you original topic fails to intrigue the listener, which it most likely will.

Article 3 Every conversation does not need to begin with the phrase, “Do you remember the time...”

Article 4 A great way to break an awkward silence is with a joke. Keep in mind that not everyone is cut out for humor. If you are one of these people and you still try to act funny, your only chance at redeeming some self-respect is to immediately apologize for you inadequacy as a comedian.

Article 5 Try not to mumble. It is irritating to have to ask someone to repeat himself. So, next time take the dick out of your mouth before you speak.

Article 6 No one is expected to ceaselessly speak without error, but do not get upset when you are corrected for the same misuse of contractions in your conversation.

Section Four: Plane Rides

Article 1 These are very similar to bus rides only much more fun. Now you have the entire band to annoy for a lengthy period of time. Plus it is more difficult for the chaperones to control you because they cannot just stop the plane in order to interrupt your singing of “My Ding-A-Ling.”

Article 2 This will be the first plane ride for many of the band members. Be sure to comfort them with stories of aircraft equipment malfunction and crashes to ease their worried mind.

Article 3 The Drumline Captain would be happy to give you a tour of his cockpit and will even let you handle the controls.

Article 4 The flight attendants are aboard to serve food and explain certain safety precautions. They are on the plane for entertainment purposes as well. Continually press the overhead service button and see how long it takes until you get no response. Also try asking for inappropriate items such as alcohol and pornography and see what type of reaction you get.

Article 5 Be aware that the Drumline will charge for the use of the bathroom facilities while on the aircraft. It will cost one dollar to stand and two to sit. Bring money if you plan to use these.

Article 6 The use of megaphones while on the plane is encouraged.

Article 7 Registration to join the “Mile-High Club” is available with the Drumline Captain.

Section Five: Florida

Article 1 You have paid more for this four-day excursion than the majority of people do for a two-week vacation. Get the most for your buck. Steal anything not bolted down and make sure to rip off everyone you can. If you are lucky, you may be able to break even by the end of the trip.

Article 2 The park was designed for small children, so it may seem disrespectful to conduct yourself in a mature fashion. As they say: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

Article 3 Some important facts which my be helpful to remember while in Disney World: Goofy is a dog that talks; Pluto is also a dog, but is a pet (go figure); Mickey is queer; so is Donald; Snow White, Cinderella, and the Little Mermaid would all be hot chics if not animated.

Article 4 When at the parks, everyone will travel in groups. Make sure before going anywhere that your group actually wants you tagging along. Otherwise, expect to be ditched outside Space Mountain while everyone else “checks to see how long the line is”.

Article 5 Hotel room parties are encouraged as long as drummers are invited. Even if you do not ask them to come, they will still find out and crash the festivities.

Article 6 If you plan on having sex with the Drumline Captain on the trip, make sure to schedule an appointment ahead of time. Get there early because he will get booked up very fast.

Section Six: School

Article 1 High School is meant for socializing. Somehow a myth arose asserting the purpose for school is actually education. Disregard this fabrication developed by certain individuals who believe the road to success begins with knowledge and not deception.

Article 2 Unfortunately, there is little time during the day to socialize between periods. This dilemma can be rectified simply by skipping classes to hang out in the band room. Do not think of it as cutting school, but rather a sacrifice of your education for the greater good.

Article 3 ‘Homework’ is a deceiving word. If done correctly, assignments need not ever be done at home. A combination of excuses and copying will keep you from having any work to do at your residence.

Article 4 Due dates are only a suggested completion time for a given assignment. You will find that any due date can be altered.

Article 5 Sometimes students have the opportunity to experience schooling inside a construction site. Not only do they get to endure toxic air and insufficient space, but also in the end they witness absolutely none of the benefits. If you are offered such an adventure, be sure to reject it.

Article 6 High School is not preparation for college. Nothing you do here can even compare to the life as an undergraduate.

Article 7 School is an endless cycle. After twelve years of grade school, you have another four to eight years of college and graduate school. Do not waste your youth worrying about grades and classes. Have fun and enjoy your freedom as a student.

Section Seven: Teachers

Article 1 Students have complete control over teachers. There is not anything a teacher can do to counteract a totally unresponsive class. Their only retaliation is to end that day’s lesson.

Article 2 Do not become a suck-up, a brown-noser, or an ass-kisser. While you think it will help you in that class, in reality, it will only cause a loss of respect from that teacher. It is much more effective to portray the image of good student and then slack off for the rest of the year.

Article 3 The older teachers stopped caring about their jobs and are more concerned about when to retire. The new teachers want to become friends with all the students so they will be known as the “teacher students like.” It is only right to take advantage of both these situations.

Article 4 Most teachers would rather hear an outrageous excuse rather than the truth as to why you neglected to complete your homework. It adds a bit of humor and excitement in their day to listen to their students’ creative justifications for lateness.

Section Eight: Substitutes

Article 1 Realize that substitute teachers are not often smart. Usually they are those graduates who were unable to obtain a real teaching position. Expect little from them because you won’t get much.

Article 2 Substitutes mean no work. If they try to tell you otherwise by giving you a pointless assignment, simply ignore them. When your actual teacher returns, you can easily place all faults on the sub.

Article 3 Keith Holmes is still a raving homosexual.

Article 4 It is always enjoyable to get a lecture from your teacher about how misbehaved you were the previous day. It requires great skill to manage to piss off a substitute enough that he would write a three-page report on how disobedient and impolite the class was. Such a feat is however possible.

Article 5 It is fun to make a substitute cry. This too is achievable.

Article 6 When an attendance sheet is passed around the room, make sure Little Spanish Eddie and Phil McKrackin both make in on the list. You don’t want them to get marked absent.

Article 7 You can convince a sub of anything. Given enough time, you could devise a strong argument that you teacher advocates the watching of porno films in anatomy class or that hash brownies are an appropriate dish for a cooking class.

Section Nine: Chaperones

Article 1 They like to think they actually have power, but do not be fooled by their false control. They may try certain tactics such as assigning seats and saying that they will “tell your parents.” In the end, no dominance will come about from their demands.

Article 2 Often they will have no good reason for their current actions. Expect a worthless response such as, “because I am the bitch of all chaperones,” when you question their reasoning for any punishment.

 Article 3 Give absolutely no respect to chaperones. They deserve none and may consider any expression of admiration as a sign of weakness on your part.

Article 4 Keep in mind that most of the chaperones hate each other. Use this to your advantage by starting feuds between enemies.

Article 5 Sometimes parents become chaperones for the purpose of encouraging their child and in an attempt to include that kid in family activities. The truth is, the child does not give a damn about motivation, especially from parents, and he also probably joined band as an excuse to avoid his family. So parents, do not waste your time helping as a chaperone for you are not wanted.

Article 6 Be careful what you say. Some chaperones have a weak heart and may suffer as a result of your comments.

Article 7 Just because a chaperone talks out of place does not give you the right to regress to the maturity of a four-year-old. A better solution is to act calmly and rationally, leaving the so-called ‘adult’ looking like the ass.

Article 8 Always act nice when there is something you want.

Section Ten: Colorguard

Let me reinforce that the following is merely a joke, written for the amusement of others. Do not take anything personally (even if the remark is clearly about you). Most importantly, do not run to your parents or instructors crying about these statements because it will only result in a lifetime of ridicule. Just ignore this section if you feel you will be offended.

Article 1 Traditionally, the colorguard is the group of individuals not talented enough to play an instrument but still eager to join the marching band. Unfortunately they have more make-up and hairspray than coordination, so often it is they who hold the rest of the band back.

Article 2 Certain members have a remarkably poor judgment in humor. For the record, it is not funny to steal someone’s megaphone and deface it with poorly constructed phrases, such as “U SUCK.” (Keep this in mind, Barbi Sanchez.)

Article 3 The phrase “No Uglies” was developed largely for the sake of the members of the colorguard.

Article 4 Colorguard members have a strange sexual attraction to drummers; however, this feeling is not mutual.

Article 5 When the colorguard wins an award, do not consider it an achievement of excellence, but rather just a performance that sucked a little less than the other groups.

Article 6 Twirlers are the worst part of the colorguard. They think their performance matters when in fact no one cares. Also, each one must believe she is attractive because they always wear short shorts. Perhaps sweatpants are a better alternative for some.

Article 7 The colorguard is notorious for believing anything you do constitutes as flirting. They should not consider random pieces of candy being hurled at their head as a sign of affection. It is done merely because people hate them.

Article 8 Not only are these people unskillful and ugly, but they are also brainless. So men, this is surely a combination worth avoiding.

Section Eleven: Amendments

The rules and guidelines set forth by the Drumline Commandments and the Drumline Constitution are both appropriate and necessary. Very few reasons exist in which any portion should be altered or deleted. However, if you see a relevant purpose to amend either of the two publications, simply follow the directions below. If by the end of the process, I see fit for the reformation of the rules, a change can occur. By no means should anyone attempt to make any revisions without my authorization, especially if in doing so you insult the author. To disregard my supremacy will result in an endless attack against you. Do not break the rules for the consequences are severe.

The procedure for amendments is as follows:

 Step 1: Confront the author with your suggestion.

 Step 2: Offer a sizable cash contribution for the use of his time.

Step 3: Present him with a female body to perform sexual acts. (You may offer him your own body.)

Step 4: Allow up to four weeks for processing and analysis.

Conclusion

These rules have not been developed to control your lives. Rather it is a book to help save you from further humiliation. I have provided a guide to base your entire existence around. Because of my greatness, I am able to see the naive mistakes each of you make as a result of your ignorance. Follow these regulations as I have stated and, in the future, your feeble minds will be capable of living properly. In return for my generosity, I simply demand your undying approbation for me as your God and savoir.

Written By Jared Martin