Take These Broken Wings

____________________________

Every waking moment I
Seem to think too much of you,
Through this, will I stay alive,
Or will I be consumed by you?

____________________________

My name is Tobias.
That's what I was called at birth. That's what the words will
say on my grave.
If anyone cares enough to bury me.
This is a recording. My friend Cassie is making me do this,
for my own good, she says. She wants me to get it all out.
If I bleed, she says, the wound will heal.
I've been bleeding for five years now, and I don't want it to heal.
I don't know what difference this will make. I don't know what
people will say to this story. It's my life as it has been the
good things and the bad.
Did anyone believe this would happen? Sweet, dear Tobias, who
wouldn't hurt anyone, is turned into a hollow, bitter shell?
Marco says I like being a shell. He says I'm being selfish by
taking all the pain.
Sure, Marco. Here's some pain. Also take my misery, my guilt,
then see how long you can survive.
Since I don't want this recording to be full of me wallowing
in my own self-pity (or is it too late for that?) I'll get on
with it. Here it is.
My name is-

'Tobias!' I could hear my aunt yelling from the bottom of the
stairs. She stamped her foot.
'Coming, Aunt Lise,' I remember saying. I bundled up my untidy,
disorganized suitcase and ran down the stairs.
'Hurry up! You'll miss your ride.'
'Here I am.' I was what, fourteen at the time? And already I was
being shipped across to my uncle.
A car tooted outside. 'There she is,' my Aunt said disapprovingly.
'Now get.'
'Okay. Bye!' I waved and ran out the door. No 'Bye, Tobias.' No,
'Be safe,' or 'I'll miss you.' But I was used to it. Aunt Lise
never said anything to me if she could help it.
'Hop in, kid,' said the driver of the car. I got in and smiled.
'Hey, Tobias,' the driver said with a real smile. This was my
'aunt' Jennifer- my mother's friend who helped me out a lot when
I was at my Aunt's. 'How long are you going to be at your Uncle's?'
'Dunno.' I bit my lip. Sooner or later, after a few months, my uncle
would notice I was there and ship me back.
'Nice place you're going to,' she said. 'Grew up there. Wish I
hadn't moved here. The pollution's awful.' She wrinkled her nose.
I liked her a lot. She was one of those people who never grew up,
you know? The was the closest thing I had to a friend in the tiny,
gray suburb my aunt lived in.
'Will you write?'
'Don't I always?'
'No. You forget.'
She shrugged, and flashed a smile at me. 'I just never have time
for letters, what with my job and all. Anyway, you forget to write.
You're just like your mom. She hated writing, but she loved getting
them.' She bit her lip and sighed. 'Look after yourself, okay?
Stand up to people. Don't let them push you around.'
'Sure, Aunt Jennifer.'
'Don't call me that! It's Jenny. Nothing else. Now, here's your
train. It'll take about two days. Don't get trainsick!'
'Bye, Jennifer.'
'Bye, kiddo.' She drove off.

I really liked her. She told me lots about my mom- all except
where she'd gone. Sometimes she said she'd died, but at others......
I didn't remember my mom. Sometimes, just in that time when you
wake up and half remember your dreams, I caught this glimpse of...
I don't know. Blue eyes, mostly. And blonde hair. And a face that
was a replica of mine.
I once came across this photo of my mom standing with a tall,
serious-looking guy. They must have been in college, because my mom
looked about eighteen. 'Who's this?' I went and asked my aunt, like
a fool.
'That?' Her eyes flickered to it quickly and she grabbed it off me.
'Where'd you find this?'
'Around.'
My aunt got all flustered. 'This is a picture of your mom and a
friend.'
'Who?'
'Just a friend she used to hang around in college. I think his
name was Alan.'
'Where is he now?'
'Uh- I think he died. Yes, that's it. Cancer. So young. Now,
if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.'
I walked away. But I still kept that photo. There was something
about the way my mom was holding on to him.

I was going to be at my uncle's for a long time, and he thought
I'd better get enrolled in school. Not that he actually cared,
of course, but he didn't want truant officers falling on him.
So- my first day at a new school.
My hair falling on my face, I cautiously walked into the large
brick building, trying to be inconspicuous. Me? With my hunched
way of walking? My glaring, warning look I sent off when I didn't
want people near?
'Hey, kid!' A voice called out behind me.
I walked on.
'You! Turn around!'
'Me?' I asked, turning around. A couple of large, older kids lounged
around on a firehose box.
'Yeah, you.' The leader, a brutish, piggy-eyed guy squinted at me.
Then he said a few coarse things about my mother. His friends laughed.
If there's one thing I'm touchy about, it's my mom. I'll retaliate
against anyone who says anything bad about her.
But right then, it was really stupid.
'What did you say?' I asked, whirling around to face them.
'Deaf, too,' the leader said amiably.
I clenched my fists and wished that I was three feet taller and
had fists like hams.
'Hey, do you think he needs to wash his hair?' the leader asked.
'Sure,' another guy said and grabbed my arm. Another guy grabbed the
other, and they hauled me off to the bathroom. 'Let go, you jerks,'
I yelled.
One gave me a puppyish look. 'We're just trying to get you all nice
and clean,' he said and they both cracked up. Then they lifted me
upside down, shoved my head in the toilet bowl, and flushed.
Whilst all the rushing water, I heard a door open. 'Hey, what are
you doing?' a steady voice asked.
'Jake comin' to save the day, huh?'
'I guess I am,' he said. 'Now, get him out of there.'
You can't ignore Jake when he talks in his 'steady-as-a-rock' voice.
'You can have him if you want him so much,' one said and they shoved
me down in the cubicle. I coughed and spluttered while they went off.
Jake offered his hand to me. I accepted it.
That's how we met. Him the knight in shining armor. Me the damsel in
the toilet bowl.
He's big. Not just in tall, but as in big. He'd be intimidating if it
weren't for that calm look in his eye. Me, I'm tall, but I'm lanky.
My clothes don't hang right on me.
And they especially don't hang right on me now.
I ran my head under the cold water tap. 'You okay?' Jake asked.
'I'll be fine.' I rubbed my face. 'Thanks.'
He shrugged. 'You new?'
'Arrived yesterday. I'm Tobias.'
'I'm Jake. See you around.'
'Bye.'
My first encounter with Jake. Short and brief. Sure, he'd saved me
and I was grateful, but I didn't make friends. I'd go off in a corner,
or lie down to watch the sky. I always wanted to jump up and find
myself soaring, away from everything and everyone with only the clouds
as company.
School was okay. I daydreamed through my periods and then I went to
lunch. Spotting a table that Jake was at, I went over.
'Can I sit here?' I asked.
Jake looked up. I think he felt sorry for me. To him I was a little
kitten caught out in the rain.
'Sure.' A dark-haired boy sitting across from him looked up.
'Marco, this is Tobias. He arrived yesterday.'
The dark-haired kid looked at me. He had shoulder-length black hair,
olive skin, and the kind of dark eyes girls cry themselves to sleep
at night over. 'Where'd you find him, Jake?'
'You know those guys? Keith and Dennis? They were picking on him.'
'He found me with my head in the toilet,' I added. Wrong idea.
Marco immediately laughed and made some crack about me and toilets.
So I got though lunch. I didn't talk much. Marco did more talking
than two normal people. Him and Jake were best friends. They were
best friends when they were in diapers, and were going to be best
friends forever.
I listened to Marco and then watched as a girl accidentally shoved
into his.
'Hey! Watch it,' he told the girl.
'Sorry, Marco. Guess your butt was hanging out more than usual.'
'Rachel, I'm appalled.' Marco didn't sound all that appalled. The
girl turned to look at me. She had long, blonde hair, perfect skin,
and sapphire-blue eyes.
By now I was sure that I was going to melt into a puddle and they'd
have to scrape me off the ground.
'Do I know you?'
'No, uh, no you don't,' I said quickly.
'This is Tobias, Rachel.'
Rachel made a half-smile. 'New, right? Jake, don't let this one be
corrupted by Marco. It'd be a sad thing for another victim to fall
prey.' She walked off.
If Marco was the one girls cried themselves to sleep over, Rachel was
the one that every guy wants as a date.
But I was betting her first thought about me was, 'Wow, what a dweeb.'
'Jake, tell your cousin to stop making me cry,' Marco was saying.
Jake lifted an eyebrow. 'You cry? Rachel would make me cry if I tried
to tell her something she didn't want to hear.'
I quickly recognized the sad fact that Rachel would never even look
at a guy like me. I was so, so... uninteresting. Dirty-blonde hair.
Forgettable brown eyes that liked to glaze over. Normal skin. Chewed
fingernails. All in all, not that attractive a package.
I didn't see Jake that much after that. Maybe once in two weeks. But
after a month at my Uncle's, (and I still wasn't sure he knew I was
there) I caught up to Jake, Marco, Rachel and a black girl I didn't
know but was always with Rachel. Her best friend, I guessed. 'Can I
walk home with you guys?'
Those were the words that sealed my fate.
Bunch of stuff happened. Elfangor crashed his ship. He met us.
Somehow, he recognized me, which was strange. I mean, he'd never
seen me. But I guess I looked a lot like my mom.
It was Elfangor who encouraged me to fight. Not because he told me
to, but because his death meant more to me than anything else.
It touched the others, too. Even Marco.
And my life changed that night.

But before I could even turn around, I was trapped. The one time we
had tried to fight. No longer Tobias the dweeb, I was Tobias the hawk.
Bird-boy. The Winged Defender.
Marco only called me that once, but I threatened to drop heavy objects
on him for a week.
The hawk made me forget I was Tobias. I could have been lost at that
stage. Just a bird, not fighting to save the world, but fighting to
get his own lunch.
It was Rachel who pulled me out of the hole the hawk had dug. Rachel
who was my companion. Rachel who I could always go and be told things
would be all right.
I formed my bond with her at that moment. Also, she made me realize
I was most definitely human- the Tobias in me fell for her. Of course,
I pushed it out of my mind, knowing it was stupid and it just made me
realize who I really that in my shape, I couldn't even tell her.
She made me realize who I was. Not Tobias. Not a hawk.
Some hideous hybrid mix of the two.
But that still didn't stop me daydreaming. I had one favorite little
dream where she got stuck as a hawk, too. We'd hunt together.
Eventually, she'd share my meadow.
This also made me realize how devastatingly pathetic I really was.

Fighting the Yeerks, I found my place as the Animorph's eye in the
sky. Later, when we met Ax, I also found my place as his friend.
At least I had someone to talk to, day and night besides Rachel.
Not that I ever minded talking to Rachel.
Except for that one time she woke me up in the middle of the night.
I was convinced my life was about to end. Either the bobcat on the
meadow floor was going to kill me, or the owl sitting on my perch.

Months went by. Ax declared I was his best friend, his shorm, which
seemed very important for him. I guess it was the species barrier.
Andalites are big on, 'Look, but don't touch'.
A little part inside of me was growing increasingly despondent.
I had to stay away from Rachel. I think that Jake and Cassie had
already figured there was something going on between us- Cassie
because she likes spotting things like that, and Jake because Cassie
was sure to have told him.
But I ignored myself and went on with my life. Wake. Catch a mouse.
Soar the thermals. Check out Yeerks. Catch a rat. Talk to Rachel.
Sleep.
This was not your average day.
The Ellimist gave me back my morphing power. I was almightily
pissed at the time, because I thought he was going to make me human
again. But he has his own reasons for doing things.
I went to see Rachel after the ceremony. It was night, and she was
dressed in a robe and was brushing her hair. 'Tobias?' She whispered,
her face breaking out in a smile.
<Yeah. Which other red-tailed hawk would fly into your room at night?>
She looked quizzically at me. 'You've got to stop calling yourself
that. I mean, you're past it.'
I hadn't thought about this. Rachel obviously thought I was human.
<Rachel->
'Why don't you demorph? I just-'
<Rachel!> I think she already knew. She just wanted to hold on to her
last shred of hope. <Rachel, the Ellimist didn't make me human.
He just let me have my old, human morph.>
I saw her sag. She'd known.

'Tobias-' she swallowed. She looked like she was going to burst into
tears. But then she straightened up.
'After the war, Tobias.... what will you do then?'

'You'd do that?'
<Yes.> I didn't want to tell her I knew what it would be like.
Being a nothlit, you feel like you're drowning, and you can see
through the water on the top, but you can't touch anything.
She stood up and straightened her robe. 'Can I see you in human form?'
<No!> I yelped. Then I quieted down. 
'Why not? What's wrong?' she looked at me, concerned.
If I had been human, my face would have been bright red. <I...I don't
have a morphing suit.>
She lifted an eyebrow. 'Tobias, how did you get to the prize giving?
People would have noticed if you'd come in the buff.'

'We'll get you something nice at the mall,' she said, her eyes
brightening. I've never known any other girl to be so obsessed with
shopping.
She walked to her wardrobe and pulled out a bathrobe. 'Morph and put
it on. I'll turn my back.' She turned around.
I felt funny, morphing behind her. My feathers melted together like
glue. My beak softened and turned into lips. My eyes dimmed to the
vision of humans. Man, does it suck! One moment you can see every hair
on a person's face, and the next you can't make out their nostrils.
I quickly wrapped the robe around me. I knew my face was turning
beetroot. 'I'm done,' I whispered clumsily, feeling my mouth wrap
round the words.
She turned around and grinned. 'Man, if my mom came up now and found
you here, only dressed if a robe, I'd be grounded until I was thirty.'
'It does look rather criminal, doesn't it?' I said, smiling slightly.
I've forgotten how to smile. It's pretty impossible when your mouth
is yellow, hard and curves.
Then, quite suddenly, a fat tear rolled down her face.
'Rachel!' I whispered, distraught. 'Geez, I'm sorry- I shouldn't have
come-' I awkwardly stroked her hair, then lifted my hand off quickly.
She shook her head and wiped her face. 'It's not you, Tobias,' she
said, rasping, 'It's just that... we've all lost so much, especially
you, and now-' She sat on her bed.
Rachel's always been the strong one. You have no idea how much it
shocked me to see her break just like that. Seeing me must have
reminded her of how much she'd lost- her safety, her inner confidence,
her whole life.
'Maybe I better leave,' I said seriously, already thinking of
demorphing.
'No, please, it really isn't you. You make me feel better just by
being here. Sit,' she ordered, patting the space next to her. Warily,
I did so.
She studied my shoulders. 'What size are you?' she asked absently.
'I don't know. I never really tried to go shopping as a red-tail.'
She distracted herself, figuring out what size I was. I studied her
face carefully.
'Okay, I think I've got these right,' she said finally. 'You're way
less bulky than Jake-'
'Thanks.'
'But you're both the same around the shoulders. Okay. That's done.'
'Rachel,' I said mildly, 'you have too much practice at this.'
'You can have too much practice at picking out clothes?'
'Never mind.' I stood up. 'I better go. There's a pushy hawk who
likes my territory.'
She came to me and gave me a quick hug. 'Thanks,' she said into my
shoulder.
'Any time,' I whispered and started to morph. I wanted to get out of
there. My face was quickly becoming the exact shade of fire-engine
red.
She turned her head away as I finished my morph. <Here.> I struggled
out the bathrobe. <Oh, and by the way, yellow isn't really my color.>
'I noticed. Bye, Tobias.'
I flew out her window. I was way more happy then I had been before,
but something about the way Rachel had reacted just confused me.

It was a little later that year that my life changed even more than
it had then when I had walked home with the others. My father....
Elfangor.......
How could I explain it to the others, to Ax? Where would I begin?
They could think I was delusional. I almost thought I was delusional.
But I kept the secret inside, away from the others. Something inside
me got locked away when I tried to speak. But as it turned out,
I didn't have to.

One of the Council members sent Ax a recording. His brother's hirac
delest. Because he had died for us, Ax wanted us to listen to it with
him. I can only say that I am exceptionally lucky that the recording
was sent, still closed and never listened to by anyone, to Aximili.
That way, he could absorb the shock first.
We all settled down for a long wait in a forest clearing. Every so
often I flew up to make sure no-one was coming. Even Marco didn't
complain about having to give up his Saturday just to listen to a
recording. His complaints weren't as sharp-edged as normal, though.
I knew that he had fought at first only for Elfangor,
<No-one for miles,> I reported. <This is isolated. Only hundreds of
rats and a sleeping wildcat over on that hill.>
'Tobias, we wanted to look for humans, not your menu,' Marco grinned.
I ignored him and began to morph to human.
<Why aren't you staying in your normal shape, Tobias?> Ax asked me.
I shrugged with my now-formed human shoulders. 'I guess....I guess
this is like a memory to your brother. This is a memory to me.
I just want to share it.'
Inside, really, I was quaking in fear. Elfangor was almost certainly
going to reveal every secret he had ever kept. However, I kept a
sickly, wan smile on my face and looked at Ax. 'We'll all share it.'
Ax smiled gravely with his eyes.
I settled, lying on a tree that Rachel was leaning back against.
She smiled and patted the grass next to her. 'Sit.'
Marco rolled his eyes. 'Rachel, I tried to sit there, and you said
you wouldn't have any room.'
'Marco, I meant I didn't want you taking up any room I have.'
'Then why are you letting Bird-boy sit next to you?'
Rachel rolled her eyes. 'It's 'cause he's nicer than you are.'
I blushed whilst Marco groaned. 'Man, I know I'm dead. I've finally
been pushed away for a mouse-chomping Bird-Boy.'
'It was inevitable, Marco,' Cassie said, smiling at me.
<If I have your permission, Prince Jake, I will start,> said Ax.
He was very quiet, and he seemed a little strained.
'Go on, Ax,' Jake said gently.
Ax narrowed his eyes and focused on the small, silvery chip in his
hand.
I heard a kind of click go off in my head. I listened.
A strangely familiar 'voice'. <My name is Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul...>
Ax's eyestalks drooped.
We listened until the dead War-Prince had got to the part where
he said, where he said a girl's name. And then he said,
'The boy I have just met, but not for the first time,'.
I went cold and sighed inside. My futile hopes of him not saying
anything were dashed.
Ax's eyes suddenly locked onto mine and we stared at each other.
Everyone listened in silence. My eyes rarely left Ax's. Because of
my limit, I silently demorphed, fluttered around and remorphed.
I was edgy, constantly
looking inside and wondering, 'What will they say?'
We reached the end. Cassie began to cry quietly onto Jake's shoulder.
Rachel was the one who was squeezing my hand so tightly I thought it
would burst. I was looking straight ahead, ignoring everything but
the voice.
I felt the distinct click again.
Everyone looked at me. I hadn't even realized tears were streaming
down my cheeks. Rachel wiped them away with her hand. There was
something in her icy eyes that wasn't surprised, nor horrified, but...
I don't know. Puzzled.
I sat and waited. I stared at them accusingly, as if it was all their
fault I had to endure this.
Finally, Aximili looked at me. <You knew, didn't you?>
I nodded stonily, then my face softened. 'I'm- sorry.'
'<Why didn't you tell me?!> Ax was slightly hysterical. <Why did you
do this? For how long->
'Get a grip, Ax!' I yelled, tears still pricking my eyes. 'I only
found out a little while ago. You know Aria? That letter? I wanted
to tell you-'
<We are shorm, Tobias. Nothing to hide.>
'What could I have said? 'Oh, gee, Ax, my father is Elfangor, and
guess what, you're my uncle'?'
'Break it up, you two,' Jake said. Then he looked at me. 'Tobias,
I understand you not telling us, but Ax had a right to know.'
'Did you have any idea how I felt?' I asked quietly. 'My life.
Suddenly gone, just like that.' I began to walk off into the forest.
This had all been a sorry mess. I was angry and guilty for myself,
and I was a whirl of scattered emotions about everyone else.
Rachel stood up and prepared to go with me, but Jake shook his head
warningly.
I morphed to hawk. My anger died with the hawk flooding into my being,
and it was good for me. Ax. How would he be feeling? That his brother
had kept all his secrets bottled up inside and never told him? That
I had kept my secret from him as well?
Thinking about all this I fluttered down to my meadow and absently
killed rats. I wasn't hungry, I just needed to quell this feeling....

I saw Ax about a day later. The other Animorphs were avoiding me.
Whether is was because they wanted to tread lightly or if they were
weirded out by Elfangor and Loren, I didn't care. Ax had been off
doing some ritual of cleansing for his brother. Warily, I settled
in a tree nearby.
Ax didn't move to look at me.
<Hi, Ax,> I said calmly.
<Hello, fr- co- Tobias-> His confused voice echoed in my head.

<Call me Tobias. That's my name, isn't it?>
He sagged. <It's not about what your name is, Tobias, it's about
who you are.> Ax raised an eyestalk to look at me.
<Are... are you ashamed?>
<No!> He said sharply. 
 I fluttered down to the log
in front of him.
<You understand.> Ax swished his tail. 

He straightened himself up. <We are shorm, Tobias! That is not a
bond lightly broken!>
<I… almost broke it.>
 he hesitated, as if it was
the most important thing he'd ever said, <that I can see my brother
in you.>
<That might be the greatest compliment I will ever receive, Ax.>

Ax was down. But now I had to talk to the others, to explain.
Rachel was my first one to talk to, of course.
II flew through her window. She was sitting up in bed. 'I had a
feeling you'd come in,' she murmured, switching on her light.
<Look, Rachel, I'm sorry I->
'Get out of your hawk shape and talk to me properly,' she ordered.
<Sir, yes, sir,> I joked weakly and began to morph. I felt silly being
just in my morphing suit, but Rachel didn't care about that right now.
'How- how were you when you found out?' she asked me gently when
I sat on the bed.
'I cried,' I said, shrugging. 'I cried for a long time.
There didn't seem like anything else I could do.'
She hugged me then, holding me in her arms and stroking my hair like
I was a little kid. I didn't feel embarrassed. I had forgotten how
much I had missed touch.
'You could have told me,' she whispered into my messy hair.
'I couldn't say anything,' I said, wrapping my arms around her
in return. 'I was too freaked to do anything. I just kept on living.'
She disentangled herself from me and held me at arm's length,
contemplating my face.
'You finished staring?' I asked her jokingly.
'It just seems strange... to think... ' she trailed off, embarrassed.
'Try being on the other end. Then see how strange it gets.'
She hugged me again, her cheek resting by mine. This time,
I realized where I was, and I was embarrassed. Rachel kissed me
on the forehead, then. 'Now get out of here before my sisters find us
and I get into a world of hurt.'
I sat there, smiling goofily for a moment, then morphed.
<Goodnight, Rachel.>
Who couldn't love her after that?

I have a good reason for being this mushy,

The only person I spoke to afterwards was Jake. He was very nice,
very understanding, very sincere, and very saccharine. He didn't
have to tread over me like I was glass!
Everyone followed his example- except Rachel. She was just gentle.
And Ax- he was closer. I even wished for Marco to make a crack like,
'Now I know why you're so weird,' or 'Don't worry, one of my cousins
is alien-spawn too.'
I guess everything really started the next time I saw Visser Three.
He enflamed me with anger. He killed my father! I would show him that
I was a true son of Elfangor. I wasn't some trashy streetkid. I was
Tobias!
'Why are you getting so reckless?' Jake asked me. 'You been taking
lessons from Rachel?' It was a joke, but underneath was a question.
<I… just when I see him, I get so mad…> I don't think anyone
understood except Ax.
<Anger gets you nowhere,> he advised me. <It leads to suffering.
I cannot destroy him just because I suffer for my brother.>
I tried. I ignored him as much as I could and left the gung-ho
stuff up to Rachel. But one mission we were on set me up to fall.

Marco? Cassie? Do you guys remember? The single step that saw me
fall in the end?

The Yeerks had moved down to another end of the pool and left
one side mostly unguarded. We decided to take a crack at it-
moles again.
'Not moles,' Rachel moaned. 'Ants. Aardvarks. Flies. Not under
the earth!'
'Xena is freaked? We're going to fail. Yessir. No point. Let's
just go home and watch Buffy.'
'I cannot believe you watch Buffy,' Jake murmured. Then he
straightened. 'Come on, they've left a huge hole in the web!
It's time to act!'
<We must take all our chances. I agree with Prince Jake.>
'I don't know, Jake,' said Cassie, concerned. 'The earth is
sensitive from when we last pushed it. Cave-in again.'
Jake shook his head. 'We're coming from a whole new angle.
There's not much chance of that happening.'
<I'm with you, however you go.> Me.
'Great,' said Marco, rolling his eyes. He motioned to me where
I sat on Rachel's shoulder. 'Here, we have the Gung-Ho twins on
the right.'
'That's your left, Marco,' Rachel pointed out. He ignored her.
'And now, we have beautiful, smart, clever, agile me. There is
only one sane person in this group, and neither of them fit that
category. I vote no. Wait until the Yeerks push before we go
barreling into the gate of Hell!'
'Marco?'
'What?'
'Stop playing Diablo and come with us.'
Marco put on a hideous grin. 'I sense a soul in search of answers,'
he cackled.
<Marco? Switch to decaf.>
<What is decaf?>
'Okay, stop the clowning around. We meet here, Friday afternoon.'

The mission seemed to go okay at first. Cassie morphed to mole and
got us an easy tunnel through a new entrance at the bat cave.
<Okay, now we go fly,> she said. <I've gotten us through. We're in
some kind of storage closet.>
<Okay,> Jake said when he had gone fly. <Marco, you go with me. Ax
with Cassie, Rachel with Tobias->
<Reebo with Zooty,> Marco continued.
<And we all end up together. We only scout, now, people. No fights.
This is not 'Save the Free Hork-Bajir' or a 'Fight For Honour' or a->
<Jake, you can stop talking now,> Rachel said, exasperated.
We flew through the storage. The pool was huge, now, and the
hunter robots were down at the other end. It would take them hours
to scan us.
Then I saw him. <Rachel? It's him.>
<Where?>
<Over there, at that computer, by the wall.> I felt something icy
slip over my heart, however disgusting it was. <Rachel, he's alone.>
<Tobias, are you crazy?! We can't face him! About three thousand
Hork-Bajir will jump out at us and let us stew over a hot fire!>
<There are no Hork-Bajir. Rachel, can't you see? Someone starts
fighting him. The other gets the rest of the Animorphs. We can
destroy the Abomination!>
<Tobias, you have finally lost it. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! You'd be
putting everyone's lives in danger, and you'd almost certainly die!>
I kept on concentrating on that feeling. 
<Tobias, I can't let you do this!> Rachel was angry.
<You can't stop me, Rachel. I'm going.>
<Hold on.> She sighed. 
<You're going with me?> My insane idea suddenly seemed less insane.
I didn't even stop to think about Rachel's safety.
Anger makes you do stupid, inane things.

<Thanks.>
<Let's do it!>

He was still alone when we landed on the ledge above him. It was
wide and if we crawled back, no-one could see us.
<I'll morph first and hide you.>
<What are you morphing?>
<Hork-Bajir. You go grizzly?>
<Of course. It's like second nature to me now.>
I began morphing, from the disgusting fly body to hawk, to Ket.
I was glad of the blades. I wanted to think about what they'd do
to Visser Three.
Rachel grew from a very beautiful girl to a not beautiful, but
incredibly dangerous grizzly bear. I looked from her to the Visser.
<Uh, Rachel, can you jump?>
<It's time to find out, isn't it?>
<On three... Three!> We jumped. My body landed gracefully near
Visser Three. Rachel landed like a ton of bricks near me.
<No, sir, I have- What?> Visser Three shut off his computer and
stared, almost in a daze.
<You're slow, Visser.> I slashed. He caught it with his tail.
<Oh, man, was that a jump!> Rachel groaned.
I barely avoided a slash. <Uh?> I asked, distracted.
<Here I come, Rachel the Mighty!> Rachel simply barrelled in and
whacked the Visser with one mighty paw.
He fell.

My heart stopped pumping. I simply stared at him.
<Tobias?> Rachel asked, amazed.
<Yeah. I know. Did we just win?>

If I hadn't moved my eyes from him to Rachel, I would have noticed it.
The Visser's arms turned into giant behemoths with almost formless
hands like bricks. Rachel moved in closer.
<Rach, no, he's->
He lifted up one brick hand and smashed her. She fell this time.
<NOOO!> I flew to her. The Visser kept morphing- a huge, muscled body
that reminded me of cement. He had feet like tree trunks and his arms
were giant, rippling weapons.
I couldn't lift her up, even with my Hork-Bajir strength, so I dragged
her. I was well aware that my arm-blades were cutting into her flesh.
<Rachel, wake up!> I cried desperately. <Jake, Marco!>
I didn't get any answer. The Visser stomped one block foot and the
ground trembled. Chunks of dirt fell from the ceiling.
<Running, Andalites?> Visser Three taunted.
I left Rachel near the wall and slammed into Visser Three, my blades
ripping and slicing his flesh- or so I thought. When I looked back,
I had hardly scraped him.
<This is futile, Andalite. Give yourself up!>
<Never!> I suddenly had a thought. He was bigger, far stronger,
impenetrable; I had the speed. <Catch me,> I said and ran away
from the wall, to the shore of the pool.
Gathering speed, he charged me. Lightly, I jumped onto his massive
shoulders where his almost unformed head lay and ran back to the wall.
<Not as fast as you thought, Visser?>
He growled in frustration and charged me again. Just as I had hope,
his weight carried him forward and he lost control. I sprang out the
way as he charged into the wall.
The rock wall, held up with metal and concrete, began to break,
showering boulders down on Visser Three. Then, as I watched the rock
beginning to collapse, I remembered. Rachel.
<Rachel!> I screamed. The wall fell down where I had left her,
burying her in tons of rock and dirt. I ran over to where I thought
she had been and began to scrabble madly. <Rachel!>
<Tobias? Rachel? Morph to mole! The wall is falling totally!>
<Jake? Rachel's->

I dived into the dirt and morphed hawk. Did I mention that I am very,
very claustrophobic?

I morphed to mole and began to tunnel. <Rachel? Jake? Ax?>
 came a muffled thought-speak.
<Tobias? Is that you?> Cassie asked.
<Yeah, it's me. Where are you?>
<We're in the cave. Part of it collapsed; it's easy to get in to.
Follow my voice!>
She led me to her. I came up in the cave, panted for air, and morphed
to hawk. I didn't care about the dust and the bat poop. Where was
Rachel?
'Where's Rachel? What were you two doing? What made you think-' Jake's
silky voice was strained and somehow weak. I noticed that Marco was
sitting down and not saying much.
 I slowed down my heart.
<What did you find out?>
Marco looked at me. His eyes were large, dark and somehow empty.
When he spoked, the voice sounded hoarse and tired. 'It's over for
her.'
<What?>
'He finally did it. Visser Three killed Visser One. Isn't that a hoot?'
He smiled at me, a smile totally without mirth. Cassie hugged him close,
but he ignored her. 'He's now Visser One. This is so totally, totally
funny. I could just…. Die….. laughing…..' He hung his head..
I felt a burning, dry anger inside of me, but it subsided with worry.
<I'm sorry, Marco.>
'Don't be. She's free.'
The worry grew, but I was only totally scared when Jake said,
a few hours later, 'We're going.'
<What? Rachel!>
<We cannot leave Rachel, Prince Jake.>
'What?' Cassie asked.
Jake looked at us. 'Rachel is down there, probably dead. We will
be too, if the Yeerks come and repair this wall.' His eyes had taken
on the same empty quality Marco's had gained.
<I'm not leaving without Rachel.>
Jake looked at me, and his eyes burned through my skull. 'Rachel is
not here.'
<She will be!>
'Let her go, Tobias,' Cassie said, tears streaming down her dusty
face.
<No! No!>
Then I heard another voice. One that made me almost die with relief.
<Tobias? Is that you?>
<Rachel? Up here!>
A mole scrabbled up through the dirt. It morphed, somewhat jerkily,
into Rachel.
<Rachel!> I flew up to her shoulder and rubbed her face. 
'I was unconscious. All that rock fell on me, so I morphed into mole
and began tunnelling.' She grinned. 'Now I have one hell of a
headache.'
<How come you took so long?>
'I went the wrong way, tunnelling, I think. I had to dig out spaces
for me to morph back.' She shuddered, then. 'I never want to do that
again.'
<I'm…. sorry.>
'What for?' Rachel smiled gently.
Jake looked at us. 'Okay. We morph. We get out of here. We've had a
long night.' He sighed, and I only then understood how old Jake had
really gotten.
We silently morphed and got up to sky, and air, and trees again.
I'm a sky person. I can't stand caves.

Rachel morphed to bald eagle and I flew with her to her house. <Bye,
Rachel,> I said when I saw her window.
<Tobias? Can you just come in with me?> she smiled, almost
apologetically. <My family's out, I'm creeped, I just need company.>
<Sure. After what I did today, I owe you for the rest of my life.>
We flew into her house, and she morphed to human. 'Okay, you morph
too. I'm going to take a shower. I trust you enough not to peek.'
<Rachel! As if I would!> I said, sounding shocked.
She laughed her warm laugh and disappeared into her bathroom. I
busied myself morphing. Then, when I heard the door opening, I
looked around. Then I wished I hadn't.
Rachel came out, her damp hair fuzzed in a golden cloud around her
shoulders, wearing barely more than a small towel and an arch smile.
I closed my eyes tightly. 'Uh, Rachel? I think you forgot to put some
clothes on.'
'Tobias, I've known you for almost two years. You're one of my
closest friends.' I could hear her grin. 'But I still have to find
out all your reactions.'
'Yeah, well, I'd give you a far better reaction if you came out
wearing something.'
'You prude.' I could hear a towel being dropped to the floor and
something being slipped on.
'Can I look now?' I asked.
'Yes,' she sighed. Wearing her terrycloth robe, she sat next to me.
'Geez, Tobias, you don't allow yourself any fun.'
Looking closer at her, I saw that her cheeks were flushed and her
eyes bright. 'Rachel? I think you've got a fever or something. You
did have a pretty good bang on the head. Maybe you'd better lie down.'
'I'm fine,' she insisted. She picked up her towel again and began to
dry her hair. 'You know, Tobias, if you cut your hair a little at the
back, you'd look like Brad Pitt.'
I shook my head and smiled. 'Not for me. My motto is, "No looks, no
brains, but oh! The personality!"'
Rachel's face became serious. 'I don't look at you like that,' she
said softly, moving her face closer to mine.
For a moment, I couldn't say anything. I was just lost in the fact
that there were little gold and green flecks in her sapphire eyes.
'Did you know you've got a tiny, heart-shaped birthmark just over
here?' she remarked conversationally, touching my forehead just under
my tousled hair.
'No,' I said, bending forwards so I could feel with my finger.
'Good, 'cause I lied.' She kissed me then, and I practically fell off
the bed in shock.
'Rachel, you're sick- tired- I'd better go-' Anything, to get out of
the room.
'Sit,' she commanded. Rachel's look made me feel a bit like a deer
caught in the headlights.
'What are you doing with me?' I asked, confused and slightly hurt.
I was a hawk. Humans and hawks stayed well away from each other.
Especially freakish human-hawks and humans. Rachel was confused.
Probably in season, or something. Did girls have seasons?
I had forgotten everything I had learned in Sex Ed, which was
probably very bad, considering the way Rachel was looking at me.
She reminded me of a hungry cat about to eat a mouse.
'I'm... training you,' she said finally.
'For what?!'
She smiled, and I felt myself melt away. 'I love you, Tobias.
Don't you get it?'
My mouth hung open for about a minute. Then I shook my head.
'You don't love me. Maybe what you feel isn't love. You're only
fifteen years old!'
'I feel a hundred,' she said wryly. 'Look, Tobias, I love you!
I've loved you for a long time. I just didn't realize it, that's all.'
I walked to her window and stared out it. A streetlamp glared over
the dark road.
'I know you don't love me,' she started up. Then she almost muttered
to herself. 'How could you? But I'm allowed to-'
I turned my head. 'What makes you think I'm not in love with you?'
I asked hoarsely.
She looked up at me, her eyes questioning.
'From the first moment I saw you, one look chained me. From then on,
it was only you.' I shook my head. 'I'm starting to sound like a
really, really bad love poem.'
'I don't think so.' She walked up to me and kissed me. As much as
I wanted to just stay in her arms forever, I pulled away. 'Rachel,
I can't-'
'Shush.' She pulled me to the foot of the bed, away from the window,
and kissed me again.
I simply looked at her. My body was no longer my own. I numbly
accepted her orders and carried them out. Only my eyes worked
properly; clear focus on her every movement. But when she dropped
down on the floor and pulled me to my knees to join her, I protested.
'Rachel- No-'
'Shush,' she said again, and I was ordered to watch, in fascinated
horror, as she pulled away her robe and let it fall.

I won't bore you with all the messy details, although I could just
fill this recording with Rachel. It would be so easy... But this
is my life, and although Rachel has played a major part in it,
I know when you have to draw the line.

I leant against the wall, shuddering uncontrollably. 'I cannot
believe I just did that.'
'Shut up,' said Rachel, half amused, half irritated.
'That must be the hundredth time you've said that.'
'I'll say it again: I cannot believe I just did that.'
I sighed and ran my hand through my now dampish hair.
'It just... wasn't.. right.'
'It wasn't?' asked Rachel in a very small, baby voice.
I smiled weakly. 'Okay, it was right.'
'Only right?'
I flopped down on the bed next to her. 'Okay, wonderfully,
marvellously, stunningly right. But I still cannot believe-'
Rachel silenced me with her kiss. She carried a terrible
weapon there.
Then her eyes flew open. 'Tobias, how long have you been in morph?'
My brain was fuzzed. 'Uhm- an hour? Hour and a half?'
'You better morph. Hurry,' she said with a strange, detached urgency.
Then Rachel straightened up and smiled impishly. 'Don't feel bad.
We're in love. I get to boff you at least once.'
I tried to say, 'Get to what me?' but a large beak curved out
my mouth, so it came out as 'Gek to hut he?'
I sat on the bed for a moment, fully hawk, and contemplated my
situation. Now that all the strange things floating around in my
blood were gone, I could think straight.
Then I heard a noise from the bathroom. <Rachel-> I started.
I only had enough time to see her triumphant smile as she shot me
with her Dracon gun.

_____________________

Want to go on to Part Two, Consumed?