This is A Bellaholic a woowoo info freak
a hopeless case and typical Art Bell listener:
The 12 Steps
of Bellaholics Anonymous
(with apologies to all other 12
Step Programs)
1. We admitted that we are powerless
over Art Bell, and that his wife has become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a station
greater than Art's could drown out Art's broadcast.
3. Made a decision to turn our black
helicopter sightings and alien parts over to the care of Art as we always
understand that he wants them for analysis.
4. Made a paranoid and delusional
inventory of all the conspiracies espoused on Art's show.
5. Admitted to Art, to his sponsors,
and to any fool that will listen that these conspiracies are for real,
no kidding, honest, believe me - I know, I'm serious!
6. Were entirely ready to have Art
tell us how to think. Ideas only crowd the brain and leaves less space
for pondering Art.
7. Humbly asked Art to talk more
about his sponsors.
8. Made a list of all of Art's sponsor's
products and became willing to buy at least one item from them all. Buy
Gold - the Gold Standard is coming back, really, no foolin, believe me
- I know, I'm serious!
9. Made direct amends to Art's guests
who's tapes we haven't bought yet by calling and paying $20 for a $1 tape.
10. Continued to come up with more
conspiracies and when folks try to prove we are wrong - make em listen
to Dick Hoaxland for a few dozen hours. Then beat them senseless if they
have any left.
11. Sought through our 911cs with
that erect antenna C Crap Co sells to improve our reception of Art's show
hoping only for a few moments of hearing Art talk on and on about another
sponsor.
12. Having had an uncomfortable bowel
movement (thank God, finally) as a result of these Steps, we tried to listen
more closely to real radio programs and to one day achieve true regularity.
Composed one night on IRC by DrPostman
- 1996 aka Jamie Eckles Memphis, TN
Therefore open for alteration
- email me at
jamiemps@mindspring.com
Art has his own trained webmonkey
- I thought I'd have one too
You Might Be A Bellaholic If.....
The following was suggested from
the gang on alt.fan.art-bell:
From kristine:
**you are really excited about the
prospect of getting your clothes cleaned without detergent **if you get
confused when calling art and must consult an atlas to determine if you
are west or east of the rockies **if you turn down a promotion at work
because it means you might have to switch to day shift
From dont_call@home.com (No bathing):
** bought a $100+ crank radio to
listen to broadcasts once WWIII starts!
From Earthmom:
**if you get up every 55 minutes
to turn the tape over **if you own two or more items from the C. Crane
company **if you go to Art's website just to listen to the theme song
From J. Raquepas:
**You might be a Bellaholic if you
suffer from frequent night trips to the bathroom and diminished libido.
**You might be a Bellaholic if "Double wide" describes both your home and
your wife's ass. **You might be a Bellaholic if you are insanely jealous
of your girl friend's pet lizard.
From Dr. Tom:
**You are actually still trying to
"train" your ear so that you can hear speach reversals the way Arty and
that hairlip Oates can. **You actually own a Levitron, and are looking
forward to buying a perpetuator. **When cashing your paycheck you ask for
a large percentage of it in $5 dollar bills. **Even after the Courtney
Brown "incident" you still believe remote viewing is real. **You think
AOL is cutting edge. **You think Keith ISNT a net nazi, and you liked the
format of the web page chat room.
From Dave:
**You can't figure out where "virgin
wool" comes from. **You think you can't get your car fixed because there
are no "geo-logists" in your area. **You date by mail. **Wild turkey's
remind you of breakfast. **Turning on the faucet makes your levitron stop
floating. **Your house is faster than your car. **You use AOL and think
you are a major player in the internet business. **Your wife has more miles
on her than your car. **You're a total fucking jerk.
From Wayne Dyer:
**1. You can't watch Hogan's Heroes
without thinking of 900 MHz digital cordless phones. **2. When you buy
apples, you mutter "crunchmeister", whout knowing why. **3. You find yourself
wishing you had hard water. **4. You fire your investment manager because
he doesn't think you should put all your money in gold, and you suspect
he's with the NWO. **5. You think that eating exoskeletons will make you
slim (chitin). **6. You giggle every time you start up Quicken. **7. You
get a second phone line and call it the "wild card line". ***There are
probably more....
From Stolen Child:
**You cancel your vacation to San
Juan because you're scared witless of "Chupa Cabra" **You order Ed Dames
"Remote Viewing Made Simple for Knuckle Dragging Mouthbreathing Simians"
and the first thing you "see" is your money disappearing. **You name your
pet ferrets "Art" and "Ramona". **You order the 2nd tape of Ed Dames "Remote
Viewing Made Simple for Knuckle Dragging Mouthbreathing Simians" because
you now KNOW you're ripped off and you want to "find" Ed's ass to kick
it. **You buy 2nd hand recordings of Ed's bumper music. **You are no longer
reading this.
From nobody@wazoo.com (Anonymous):
**You keep a careful count of your
trips to the bathroom.
From Matthew J. Farrenkopf:
**None of the flowers in your house
wilt because they're all gold-plated. **You piss off your SO and immediately
hit the speed-dial button for "Absolutely Fresh Flowers." **You wind up
your radio before you go to bed. **Someone says they're having chest pain
and you reach for an aspirin spray bottle. **You check out what's new every
hour on www.artbell.com. **You drive a Geo Metro because "the talk show
host I listen to drives one." **You look at a $5 bill with new interest.
**"Truth or Trash" is a popular game around the [house/office]. **People
ask you when you last washed your clothes, and you proudly state "Yesterday!
We don't use soap anymore!" **Someone says you're a "10," and you say "Yeah,
I'd love to meet her..." **You want to [kiss & hug/slug & maim]
anyone named "Charlie." [depends on your political affiliation] **Call
up a company. Person answers "XYZ Corporation, this is Sally." "Is this
XYZ Corporation?" Happens on any call you place. **Art's toll-free number
is programmed into your speed-dialer. **Advanced Bellaholism: The number
is programmed into NVRAM of the modem (or the terminal program) and you
use the modem as a wardialer. **You switch work shifts just to listen to
the program.
From Dr.Tim:
**you find yourself placing magnets
on various body parts.
To which Major Margaret Houlihan
BsD added:
... and listening to Art's show buck
nekkid.
And we conclude with Glen Quarnstrom:
You might be a Bellaholic if you
stay up all night listening to the show, and then spend the next day trashing
the program in this newsgroup.
You're a Bellaholic if: You get the
urge to put up Yet Another Lame Web Page about Art Bell.