BLONDE JOKES
Young Blonde....Oct 15 '99
A young Blonde was telling her friend at a cocktail party that she was off men
for life. "They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on, when I want sex
I'll use my vibrator."
"But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked the friend.
"Same as I do with my boy friend, I'll fake the orgasm."
Locked out blond....Oct 10 '99
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices
that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas
station. While she's pumping her gas, she
notices that she locked the keys in the car.
So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks
the attendant for a hanger so she can
attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside
to see how the blond is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the
hanger around and around, while the blonde
inside of the car is saying,
"A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"
Three Blondes....Sep 27 '99
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are
at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other
place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the
same question: "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in
disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the
other place. You are not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses
at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed
in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with
nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more
weeks of winter."
..........Thanks Maral
Blonde and Public Works....Sep 24 '99
A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally
got a job with Public Works.
This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down
the center of a rural road using a paint brush.
The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must
stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines.
The blonde agrees and starts right away.
The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the
blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average.
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find
that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles.
The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want
to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets worse."
The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles,
the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.
Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?
What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day
I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!
Blonde in Drugstore
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blond, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
BR>
State Trooper
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!!
I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right
in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree
in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree
in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Blonde at the docs office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, ow,
that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!
That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT
hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you
a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
Blonde Pilot
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
Two Blondes
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
Blonde's boyfriends
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop. The redhead said, "My boyfriend's like 7-Up. He's seven inches long and he's always up."
The brunette said, "My boyfriend's like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time."
The blonde said, "My boyfriend's like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in, "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blonde's face. "I know."
You want a what?
A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.
"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I want a weigh," she says.
Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune.
After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
Blonde escapee
A blonde, brunette, and a red head are running from the law. They go into a barn and they can't find a place to hide so finally they go up in to the hayloft and find three large potato sacks. They each get in one and close it. A couple minutes later, 2 cops come into the barn and they look all over but can't find the girls. Eventually, one cop says to the other, "Go check up in the hayloft." The other cop goes up in the hayloft and yells down to the other one that all that's up there is 3 potato sacks. The cop not in the hayloft says, "Well, check what's in them." So the cop kicks the bag with the redhead in it and he hears, "Woof! Woof!" So he yells down to the other guy, "There's a dog in the first bag!" And the cop tells him to check the other bags. So he kicks the bag with the brunette in it and he hears, "Meow! Meow!" He yells down to his buddy, "There's a cat in the second one." And his buddy answers, "Well, what's in the third one?" So the guy kicks the bag with the blond in it and he hears, "Potatoes!"
