A fool am I to let him in
To open my heart, let love begin.

I’m supposed to be smart, I’m older now.
Thought I’d learned my lesson and learned it well.

I had my walls in place, my boundaries were drawn,
My soul was locked tight and my heart was gone.

But he was there at the start of each day,
With innocence and boldness erased my boundaries away.

I could feel them slipping, I tried to hold tight.
Didn’t want to feel love. I put up a fight.

But then I grew weary, the battle lust died.
I finally gave in, went to bed and cried.

I had to admit, could no longer deny,
I had fallen in love…and with the wrong guy.

I had set myself up to take a fall.
But I could no longer turn back and no longer stall.

I expected his answer, knew what it would be.
I told him I loved him. He said he did not love me.

Even though it’s expected, the pain shot through my heart.
It crushed my soul. Never again, will I let love start.

Marleenuh 8/28/98

You said you’re in love with a memory.
She still has a strong hold on your heart.
Whether she’s living or dead
She’s still in your head,
It’s like you were never apart.
The claim has been there from the start.

The first love is always the strongest,
But most men move beyond.
Not you though, your mind
Has imprisoned that time,
Now it’s reflected like a still pond.
A memory of which you are fond.

Each woman you meet sparks an interest,
You think that she might be the one
To make you forget
That Other, and yet
You still see her each morn in the sun.
You’re afraid of what you’ve become.

You want to move on with your life now.
You hope that somehow I might help.
But you’re still full of doubt
And you feel that without
Her, your heart’s in a jar on a shelf.
How do you remain true to yourself.

I know that I don’t hold a candle
That I’m playing a game I can’t win.
Still there’s always a chance
So I’ll step up to the dance,
To earn that moment you might let me in.
Can’t you see that it’s time to begin?

I’m scared, yet I’m calm and determined
To stick with this ride through the end.
I’m aware of your pain
And I’ve seen your heart’s chain.
I’m afraid…I can’t try to pretend.
Still I’m here, let me be your friend.

1/14/98 - Marleenuh

Tears streaming down my cheeks
Aching heart
I still love
But he does not
I still hope
But he can not
I still wish
But he will not
Why are we on separate levels
Why is it impossible to meet in the middle
My desire overwhelms me
He has none
My heart breaks
I want, I need, I choose
He rejects
I am not the object of his desire
I am not the one to be cherished
I am not the one who grows more beautiful with each passing day
I am
A friend
Granted, a good friend
Maybe even a best friend
For the time being
But I will be replaced by another
I am not a soul mate
I have not captured his heart
All is not fair in love
I hurt
I weep
I mourn
For what might have been, could have been, will never be

Marlene 08-28-98

I remember the way life used to be
The emotions, the excitement, the you and me
But now that’s gone and life has moved on
Still, I’m having trouble looking beyond

Some days are better than the rest
But I will never again let my soul undress
I take a deep breath and try to be brave
But then one stray thought and it’s you I crave

It is getting easier not to give in to tears
To get past the loneliness, push back the fears
I can force a smile upon my face
And keep the pain for a quiet place

It might have been love, we were taking it slow
Then this happened, now we’ll never know
I’m angry and lonely and bitter and sad
Why do I live in the past, is my future so bad

I’m much stronger than this, I know it’s true
Just sometimes it’s hard to stop my feelings for you
Yet onward I’ll trudge for there’s no other way
And know the pain lessens with the dawn of each day

Marlene 3/16/98

I can’t breathe
I can’t think straight
All I want is to be lost in darkness

Why tonight of all nights
This was the night I found him
Now it’s the night I lost him

What was once a night of the best memory
Is now to be remembered with a broken heart
And tears
Sobbing, wracking my body

My mind keeps picturing him
Bending his head toward her

I am the girl with a knife wound
A knife he put there
A knife he unwittingly turned and twisted tonight

I want to lose myself
I need to feel the blankness
The blankness of a mind with no more pictures
A heart with no more feeling

Marlene 01/01/99

You left me on the park bench all alone
You told me we could never work this out
I can see it in your eyes
Hear it in your day-dreamer voice
It really comes as no surprise

A child’s laughter echoes in the air
But I can only hear you
As you tell me you will always care
How I wish that were true
But I know that soon
You’ll be whispering “I love you” to her

I still remember the day
She walked into your life
And you walked out of mine
She has gotten in the way of our love

I watch you walk away
My heart’s still in your hands
I have so much I want to say
But I know you won’t understand
She has gotten in the way of our love

Marlene 02/15/99

I feel his touch upon my mind
Fleeting, effervescent
I wrap my arms around him
To hold him close
To keep him with me

I awake with dread
The bed overwhelmingly large
And empty
Frightening shadows on the wall
And cry myself to sleep once more

Marleenuh 2/25/99

My life was ordered
Chapters in a book
Look at me, I’m a story without an ending

You pushed your way in
Didn’t like the way the story was unfolding
Thought you’d write a few chapters of your own

I didn’t ask for your help
Wasn’t given a choice
You stepped out of the unknown
And twisted the words on my page until they included you

Our lives intertwined like our bodies after sex
Side by side
Full of thoughts too difficult to express

But my story is taking a turn away from your own
Your chapter must end, yet I will go on
And when I am lonely, I will look back and remember
When our stories touched

Marlene 02/15/99

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