by Justin Lee
Greetings Madame Speaker and Honourable members of the House. The All Mighty
Dollar, who needs it. Human Civilization's concept of the monetary system is flawed, that is why
it needs to go. Dollars and Cents, Pounds and Pence, Whimsical junk - that's all it is. Eighteen
hundred lira to a dollar, sixty three point four seven dollars to a dollar. All Lady Jane ever wanted
was a Shilling that was worth a Shilling, is that too hard to ask? But don't worry, the disbandment
of the monetary system won't drastically effect YOUR quality of life, in fact, it will improve many
aspects of it. I'll illustrate just how I propose we do this and how the everyday actions of your
life will change for the better. After all, an apple is still an apple, an axe head is still an axe head
and a loaf of bread is no less a loaf of bread than it was yesterday or will be tomorrow.
This past summer, I was at the International Peace Gardens inside the souvenir shop. I had a few dollars on me, but, alas, it wasn't quite enough to buy those cases of cherry coke they had sitting by the counter. Now to my utter surprise and delight, I found a bank machine in the lobby. Unfortunately, this little box had the audacity to try and charge my $2.50 US for its services, and it would only dispense US funds, that $20 dollars I wanted would now cost me $30. No thank you sir. Now why isn't a dollar worth a dollar?
The value of currency fluctuates every single minute. It's unreliable and spontaneous. If you had an alarm clock that was unreliable and spontaneous, what would you do with it? Personally, I'd get rid of it. Quite frankly, money is nothing more than a piece of paper or metal. Why, I could take a sheet of paper, write on it, and call it a five million dollar bill and no one would accept it because it's nothing more than a piece of paper with some ink on it. Yes, that's right money really is nothing.
Do you realize all the natural resources that go into the creation of nothing? All the bills could be collected and converted into festive confetti. Fifties and Twenties for Christmas, and hundreds and fives for those special occasions. After that, we could melt down all the coins and use the alloys in the construction of something useful, like a boat, or a sixty thousand seat curling arena. The possibilities are endless.
Once all currency is dispensed with, I'm afraid the big banks will have to go. The debate about bank mergers will no longer be relevant, nor will their threat of downsizing. Furthermore, the retraining, and relocating of former bank employees will cost tax payers ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. And don't worry about taxes, just tithe what you can, because we won't need much anymore; the debt won't exist, nor will our payrolls. But what about doctors, teachers and police officers you ask? Hey, I would gladly save someone's life for some apple pie.
Bartering and haggling will once again fill the streets, and who's to stop you from putting a loaf of bread as down payment towards a new car? A loaf of bread is still a loaf of bread.
Do you remember the good 'ol days of Colecovision, Atari, Thundercats, and Voltron. Well, if those were the good 'ol days, then think just how good the days were a millennia ago. You could have been a wealthy merchant trading trinkets for spices on the high seas, or a benevolent monarch spreading good cheer and bliss amongst your people.
And for you capitalists out there, not to worry...no one is going to stop you from collecting as many axe heads as you want. Besides, who needs the all mighty dollar, it's nothing more than small change anyways.