Untitled

by

Basil Destiny

Welcome to my world. You probably don't really want to be here. I mean who really wants to take a peak into another person's world. Well that was a dumb question. I phrased it wrong. But you see, if you knew what you were getting yourself into you would not be looking into my world. Oh well, you're here. You can come along for the ride then. That's what life is, isn't it? Just some wild ride? Eh, I'm really not that cynical about life. It is a gift, but sometimes while reflecting you get just a little bitter about it all. Well anyway, try to follow along. I'm sorry if you get lost along the way, but I don't think that I will be able to help you very much anyway.

The sky is perfect. The temperature? Perfect. The scenery? Like from a fairy tale. A fairy tale might not have had such a technologically advanced scenery. But if you were to take an eraser and mark out all of those gaudy twentieth and twenty-first century creations--you'd have a fairy tale. This is where I live. I suppose I live here all the time. No matter the day. It's always the same fairy tale scenery. Even if there's a massive storm impending.

******

Mass choas. Who knows what year it is. I don't really care anyway. It's just some moment in time. That I've been living in. That's him. The one over there. Well there are actually a bunch of guys over there. We're just friends. But he's so much more to me. Don't give me that "Awww, isn't that sweet?" look. It's just some really deep connection that I feel with him. But I can't do anything about it. Not in this time and age. I can't get involved like that. He's just a friend. A friend that I love.

Over there, that's my best friend, Draya. We call her Scully sometimes too. And my god-son, Dante. That's his father, Draya's husband Trinity Anthem, over there. Talking to my friend. These are the people that I care the most for. There's my real family too. But they live on elsewhere, somewhere safe. Somewhere far from this place and I don't have to worry about them. Or their names being tarnished here.

We live in clans now. Well somewhat. We aren't related to each other. Though sometimes I feel like Draya and I are sisters. Somewhere along the line, something happened and all of this technology went to waste. Maybe they ran out of fuel. Maybe there was some disease. Maybe a rebellion. Whatever happened, all of the technology has been laid to waste. People scattered, and from what I can tell, have been reduced greatly in number. We hide now…in these clans.

Hide from what. I'll bet you're wondering that now. I'm sorry. I get carried away in thought. Other clans. The armies. Everything. Trinity and my friend--you remember the one…they rally this clan.

*****

Ever feel completely useless? I don't really accomplish anything. I feel cut off an awful lot. It's hard to always be cut off. You really start to talk to yourself. Or have one of those dreaded "online" lives. A lot of my online friends are like me. We think a bit differently from everyone else and wind up being cut-off. My reason for being cut-off? I don’t know, I'm just not exactly a social elite or anything like that. I'm slow to trust. Sure I could talk to anyone on the street if I had to, but to actually have a sustained relationship beyond "Hello" or "Hi" involves a bit more of a personality. And I do think differently. I don't hate people. I love to help people, but I’m not the out and out type. Always having to shake people's hands. I guess the reason is that I don't do it to make myself feel better. I just do it. Everyone is a human. We should all help each other out. Not to make ourselves look better or for some elusive thing that we think we'll gain by helping out a fellow being. I suppose that's why I'm different. And I don't say any of this with smugness. I am who I am. No apologies and no compliments.

*****

It was a quaint little tavern. Not really large, but enough room. Enough room for…dancing! I couldn't resist wanting to dance with him. Draya and Trinity were already out on the dance floor. I could always count on her to dance. Trinity was a good sport about it. He wasn't much of a dancer really, but he did love music.

It's such a simpler time. I'm aware of the fact that it's a simpler time. Simpler than what? I warned you that you'd get lost. Simpler than the 21^st century. Here, I just worry about our own food. The plague or something like that. But there's no hurried rushing around, trying to forget that things happen. Or trying to keep ourselves busy. Right now, all we have to do is enjoy one another. Realizing that all beings are human. Oh, you're completely lost now? You'll catch on later.

Here, I'm married! Draya and Trinity aren't the only happy couple. Well that came out wrong. I'm not bitter about Draya and Trin. And certainly they have their arguments and I love them to death, but it gets tough being the odd man out ALL THE TIME!! But hey! I'm married here, so it doesn't matter. This is blissful happiness.

*****

I figured out another reason that I feel so isolated sometimes. Because Scully has a life of her own…with Trinity and their son. I don’t have much of a life. I mean I live at home, am unemployed, and am currently out of school for the summer. But there are so many things that I have to take care of before I can get a job. Anyway the point was that, in order to talk to her, I have to call over to Trinity's house. What a drag. I guess this is what it's like to grow up. Everyone gets lives of their own. Geez, mine is so pathetic. Damned society. I mean we now have to get a post-secondary education before we can get good careers. It's expected or something. I guess I could go against that expectation, except that I am currently broke and would have to get a job for a little bit before I could move out.

Have you ever felt like you had a soulmate, but you can't find them? Like there's this whole part of you that's missing? I feel that a lot. Like I'm missing some part of me. I dread the fact that what I see a lot of the time is a lonely existence without ever finding that other half. And then I think that I've found that half. I've thought that twice before and now for a third time. Only I think that I'm a little afraid to completely give in to this last time. But then again, there are things in this last one…things that I see that I haven't seen in others. Or things that I have seen, but were overcast by darker qualities. There will always be darker qualities…well maybe not dark, but bad qualities. And yet…I feel torn. I want so badly to fall completely, and even at times feel that I have fallen completely and have no choice at all, but to fall. And then at other times I feel as though I shouldn't be so foolish. And I step back and realize that there is practically an entire continent between us.

And then, I am totally awe-struck. And know that I've completely given in. And wish that I could just hop that plane the next day. He's so great too. Knows what's NOT important in life. Such as making money. That is so great. I love that.

I feel like I tread some water, but then I go back. It's like that saying "two steps forward, one step back". I doubt myself an awful lot. It's somewhat annoying. Or maybe I don't doubt myself an awful lot, but the things that I feel like I shouldn't doubt I do. And that's why it's annoying.

*****

Sometimes it's easier living in this war time. At least here, it is so obvious what is important. Not obvious to everyone in the world, but it's obvious to us. And that's the main thing. We don't get confused by it all, trying to figure out the greater meaning. No we do ponder the greater the meaning, but we don't ponder what is important. That's pretty clear.

When you don't have anything, it's easy to fight for something. There's nothing to lose. At least that's what I always assumed. I suppose it's still as scary as heck, if you actually think about it. But if you set your mind on the goal, you can try to get around the scariness. Yet when you're staring at someone with the intentions to destroy them…it's hard to rise above. There is a lot of inner turmoil. And you ask yourself why you even bother. Everything is in a loop. A giant cycle that repeats itself. Then you turn and look at your best friend and her son. And you realize why you do it. Why you have to win. You realize that the person on the other side doesn't care about her or him. Not the way you do. To that person, they just stand in the way of some greater plan. The greater plan of wealth or power. Or some untouchable thing that is all too fleeting, yet is still chased. And you realize that you have to value something. You have to respect something in your lifetime. If not, there is no point to your life. And whether in the end, there's a reward or not. I don't want to have lived my life for nothing.

*****

Everyone has advice for everyone else. But you have to measure the advice that you give out to others. I've heard so much advice. Usually the advice seems really meaningless. For example, join the military to get a college education. Well I know that you have to take a stand for something in your life, but the military is not for me. I'm floundering as it is. Trying to figure out who I am, what I believe…where reality is and where fantasy is.

And the truth is that insomnia really doesn't help that. Or even pseudo-insomnia. Pseudo-insomnia is where you actually could sleep except that people keep waking you up!! I call it insomnia and not being woken up though, because once it's day, I can't get back to sleep. You have to be awake for some part of the day. I don't see how joining the military and forcibly having my personality changed would help me to define the things I hope to define. And all for that ever elusive piece of paper that says "You accomplished something. You went to school for four years." I'd have pride in my country?

Death. It's the only certainty. At least that's what is said. And they also tell you that eventually things get better. I don't see how that is. I said as much--that how could things get better? And then I was told that, well they don't really get better. They just get easier. Does that mean that the wound scars over? If that's what it means, forget it. This is one wound that I'm going to continue to pick at. Sounds silly really. Or like a belligerent child. But I don't ever want to be alright with the loss. It'd undermine this war. Or so-called war. Or whatever this is. This place. And then I wouldn't be able to appreciate why I sacrifice.

*****

Ever wish that it was just so easy to tell who you were meant for? Like in the movies when they say that love at first sight stuff. Gosh, you know I really want to believe that. Or that an angel will come down and point in the direction, you're supposed to go. And maybe it is that easy. Maybe it really is love at first sight. But we've totally turned it off. Ha! But I didn't turn it off this time. This time, I said, yes, I do love him. Nothing else matters, but that. Well things matter, but my point would be that arguments are bound to occur, but that nothing is more important than the love. The disappointment of lost love is a huge disappointment. But…as lame as this sounds, he completes me. You know it's true when stupid phrases like that are true. I don't like to use those because it simplifies a feeling that quite simply can't and shouldn't be easily simplified, but often is.

I'm sorry. You are probably so totally lost now. I warned you that I get carried away. I've been so carried away lately with all of these thoughts. But really I told you that I wouldn't be able to help you much and now I think it's too late to even try to help you. Just try to keep up, I suppose is all the advice that I can give you. Geez, I'm really sorry to have completely confused you.

The best thing a person can have is understanding. That's what my friend does. He understands me. Not everything, of course. He's a guy. I'm not! Of course I'm not!! But there are things about me that haven't been understood in so long. And ways that I've never been understood. So I guess in summary that's a great big ol' "He's great"!

*****

There's one place that I've completey forgotten to tell you about. Like I warned you though, I do get carried away. This place that I speak of though…I suppose it's almost sacred to me. And I don’t really know why it is sacred. It's not as though I enjoy being alone, but it's a place that I go. And this place knows no boundaries. I can fly. Or I don't. Have you ever flown? Ever just soared over those fairy tale places? High speed dives and twists and turns. Beautiful scenery passes under you with no sign of the gaudy creations that technology brings. Even if they are there, they are beautiful. Not gaudy things. Flying. It's the greatest freedom.

This place. No one is here. I'm all alone. But it's not so bad. Sometimes it can be incredibly lonely. But usually it's just serene. Meditative. Intense. I've been in the middle of the desert. Or on a lonely highland in Scotland.

Can you see movies in your head? When you watch a movie, can you see the rest of the supposed scenery in your mind? I do. I can fill in the spaces cut off by the camera. And sometimes I fill in the rest of the movie…and sometimes I'll fill in the cast and crew standing by. Just for laughs.

Lately though, I haven't been able to go to the clan places. It just isn't coming to me. And what does come to me, isn't much of anything. Just a little snippet of something. Yeah, so what do I smoke, huh? I'm sure you're wondering that. I get that a lot. More often than I'd like. I honestly don't drink or smoke or any of that sort of thing. My mind just goes.

It went the other day. I was sitting in a restaurant and everywhere I looked, I became unfocused on where I was. It wasn't an advertisement. Instead I would see someone else, somewhere far off, who I'd never met. I suppose I was curious as to what he was doing. But everywhere I looked in that restaurant made me imagine something else. Working at Chick-Fil-A. The prize that the children I'd brought with me were certain that they'd win. But not the actual reality. It was a bit disturbing to me, I have to admit. My failing grasp on reality is disturbing. I pray I don't lose control of it all. And then sometimes, curiosity gets to me and I wonder what that would be like. What it would feel like to completely let go. What would happen? What would my reality be then? Would I still even be conscious of this reality? Very strange indeed. But I always snap back out of it. I may be curious, but I'll probably never be quite that curious as to find out.

*****

And my reality totally snaps. The clan world dissippates. I can't see those places. They are still alive in me, somewhere. But I finally did feel love at first sight. The kind that makes everything else have no importance whatsoever. It's incredible and diabolical. Intense and heartwrenching. And not a thing I can fanthom to do about it.

*****

You know the saying about shit hitting the fan? Well when the shit hits the fan, it really does hit the fan. Things like to get worse and worse, eh? And the ever repeating cycle.

Well they're all dead. I'm dying. Things always work out in the end, eh? Well it's probably not the end. Maybe it doesn't end. Maybe it does end. Abruptly with no reason why. No explanations. And how long do you just let things slide off your back? How long are things allowed to be just horrible with no reprecussions? No retributions? No anything. But there aren't any answers.

And you know how badly I hate this hole? It's a horrid hole. Just when I reach the top to climb out, I get pushed back in. And you know…the hole is deeper every time I'm pushed back in. Deeper and deeper. Further and further. I guess I'm meant to get stronger because of it. But when you're lying in the bottom of the hole, it's hard to get up every time. Every single time.

And somehow I did climb out. I’m out. Here I sit out of the hole and feeling whole. That was really cheesy. You can be mad at me later for saying it, but now we have more important things to focus on.

So how did I get out? What was the great realization that moved me from the endless hole I was reeling in? Why post secondary education, of course! Don’t expect me to say "Now kiddies, you need to go to college and yerself an education." Because I won’t say it. It wasn’t the actual attending of class that got me out. Nope. It was the debt I got myself into when I dropped out. I dropped out! And now I’m still paying for those classes that I never took. Great education system. It’s because I live at home. Go me. Obviously since I live at home and had no job, we must have some great wealth, eh? Well I don’t know universe the people that sit on those boards live in, but the one that I live in involves a single mother of four who probably makes less than those education board person’s children!!

But that’s not the point. The point is that I’m out. I had to buy a car too. My other one? It croaked. My new one is so nice, I still can’t believe it’s mine. I should believe it. I’m paying for it.

You know what I realized? Of course you don’t. It was a rhetoric question. It had to be. It’s not as though I could possibly hear your answer. Anyway, I realized that I liked middle school. I guess that was called Junior High School for me. I can’t believe I have to say that I’m part of the "old" generation. I’m not. I feel like it sometimes though. But again, I’m getting side and distracted. 8^th grade. I had a good teacher and a nice little vacation to visit with my dad. I guess we still lived with my stepfather at that point. But it was okay. Life was simple, I guess. Mostly simply. Simple and complete. Or almost complete. Nothing’s perfect. Even if you were to live in perfectness, you’d hate it. What would you do? Oh, but then would that make it perfect? Well what would be the difference between perfectness and now? A friend once asked why bad things happens. Bad things? Relative to what? How do we really know how bad they are when we know so little about the universe and so little about everything?

So define bad things? I guess this whole thing got started way back with death. And it’s been spurred on by more death. But that’s only because death is certain.

*****

Stop staring at him. I’m trying to convince my eyes that there’s something far more interesting to look at elsewhere. But darn them if they won’t budge.