Drake will rule you

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Drake will rule you!

Still not liking you,
Charlie from Kansas City, age 12

Dear Charlie, Drake has read your letter repeatedly, and regrets to inform you that it appears you are wrong. Drake is a very cool dog. Drake believes it is you who do all of the sucking. Drake has seen this 'Kansas City' you claim to be from. It sucks. Being 12 sucks. Having a common name, like Charlie, is also very sucky. Finally, writing to a dog on the internet and telling him he sucks, does indeed suck. In conclusion, Drake feels it is necessary to inform you just how much you suck. Please see the enclosed link for an article, written by a very well-respected newspaper, about how much you suck and Drake rules.

`PS I get the last laugh because you suck a lot, Drake`

Drake,
how come every time I punch this kid in the face, he crys and tells on me?
I just do it becuse I dont like him. He act like I wait around after school just to beat him up. I wait around so I can steal his lunch mony too. The principal told me to stop being a bully or that he would call my parents; I don't think I like the principle anymore, so I let all the airs out of his tire and left eggs on his hood. I tried rubbing a potatoe on the car and putting keys in his tail pipe, but it din't work. What else do you think I should do?

Thanks,
O'Doyle from Mass., age 09

Dear O'Doyle, Drake has given this much thought. It is Drake's opinion that you should seek help. There are counselors and DARE cops in schools just for people like you. Drake believes that you may have some sort of inferiority complex, and that you are taking it out on everyone around you. You should definitely stop beating up the crybaby, and maybe stop stealing his money, too. The principal probably knows it was you who messed up his car, so stay away from him for a while. When you talk to the counselor, or the DARE cop, be sure to tell them you are having problems at home, and possibly that you have a learning disorder (though from the misspellings and bad grammar in your letter, I wouldn't be surprised if you did). Finally, Drake thinks that you should only pick on kids who are at least a grade younger than you, becasue they will be too scared to tell on you.

`Don't steal the lunch money- steal the lunch and cut out the middleman. Drake`

Dear Drake,
I laugh when babies fall down. It's not because I think it's funny when babies hurt themselves; I just don't like babies. Let's meet in person.

Casandra from Illinois, Age 13

Dear Casandra, You are messed up in the head. Please don't e-mail Drake anymore, and Drake thinks meeting in person is a very bad idea. Drake does think that if you have to take out your aggression on babies, a good way is to steal baby food. A great way to get rid of baby food is to send it to Drake. Drake does not approve of baby hating, but Drake is no above accepting food from baby haters.

`Drake RULES at eating baby food, Drake`

Dear Drake,
You breathe very loudly. And you snore. You keep people awake at night because of your labored breathing. Laying on your side is only making it harder for you to breathe, and therefore louder. Why don't you lose some weight?

Thanks Drake,
Cory from Cory's Room, Age 22

PS You have packages in the living room. I think they are food.

Dear Cory, Drake likes to let people know that he is around. Drake must be noticed and loved by all in the room. Since you stupid humans don't look down very often, Drake has to find other ways of getting attention. Sometimes this is breathing loudly. Sometimes it involves stealing loaves of bread off the counter and taking them outside to eat later. Drake knows he keeps people up at night. This is because people are easier to rule when they don't have any sleep. Drake says you will have to get used to it.