Have no fear, this section will be updated quite a bit. This ain’t gonna be all you’ll get.
“Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.”
- Motto of Callahan’s Place
“Keeping the public ignorant is the government’s top priority.”
- Oliver Leek, Primeval, Series 2
“The gratification of pleasure is the sole motive of action.”
- Androgum Law, as quoted by Shockeye o’ the Quawncing Grig, The Two Doctors
“Feed a cold, starve a fever. And if you can’t figure out which it is, give it alcohol poisoning to be on the safe side.”
- Nigel Willis
“It’s just a bunch of overpaid flouncy-boys running up and down a field.”
- Alex Stergiou, on football
(Or “soccer,” if you’re American.)
“Mastication is life’s greatest pursuit! Chewing is living!”
- Embra the Hutt
“Always trust a well-travelled fat man when it comes to food and drink.”
- Nigel Willis
“If I really deserve the friends I’ve got, I must be one hell of a fellow.”
- Jake Stonebender, Callahan's Key
“Don’t let school get in the way of your education.”
- Samuel “Mark Twain” Clemens
“I drink for medicinal purposes. I’m sick of being sober.”
- Tommy Cooper
“Don’t pet the green raccoons.”
- Jerry Liliestedt
“You probably left out a quotation mark.”
PJ Hruschak’s Words of Wisdom for HTML Code That Doesn’t Work
(You would be surprised how often this is correct.)
“Aw, shucks, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, I just ate a live squirrel.”
- Nigel Willis
“Let us prey.”
- John D. Rockefeller
“Some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
- Emo Phillips
“If it moves, cook it longer.”
- Phil Creed
“A tense workplace is a productive workplace.”
- C. Montgomery Burns
“No, ma’am, we at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we are aware of.”
- Agent K, Men in Black
“I bow to no one and I give service only for cause.”
- Boba Fett from “The Last One Standing” by D. K. Moran, Tales of the Bounty Hunters
“It’s crap-tacular.”
- Bart Simpson, from the 1997 Simpsons Christmas Special
“Why on Earth would you want to do science fiction? The only real acting is the Royal Shakespeare Company.”
- Patrick Stewart, 1970s
(I adore irony.)
“...cross me, and you’ll soon learn that beneath this playful, boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic maniac.”
- Lord Edmund Blackadder II
“M mm mm m’ mm m’f’n’ m mm mm m’ mm mm mm.”
- Kenny McCormick
“No matter how beautiful she is, there’s always someone tired of putting up with her crap.”
- Graffiti on the wall of a singles bar men’s room
“A university education is one of the greatest things one can possess. It’s the universities themselves that are often useless.”
- Anonymous scholar on university bureaucracy
“Great men do not hurry. Great men cause others to hurry.”
- Moff Jerjerrod, from the Return of the Jedi novelization
“There are only three things you have to remember in life: Greedo didn’t shoot first, Tony Stark was never a villain, and The Doctor never kissed any of his companions.”
- Dr. Carl “XLII” Stitz
“Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public’s ‘right to know.’ Pornography is pornography, regardless of the source.”
- Kenneth Starr, 1987, Sixty Minutes
(As I said before, I adore irony.)
“We’re all a little crazy, some of us more than others.”
- Alex “TigerEyes” Hackert
“All stressed out and no one to choke”
- from a T-shirt
“Zounds! . . . .Waitaminnit. Did I just say ‘Zounds’?!”
- Dr. John Fu
“Just because you’re on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t look in the refrigerator.”
- Jerry Liliestedt
“Nothing that ever makes its own steam is good.”
- Dr. John Fu, on alien machines or creatures seen in any sci-fi movie
“He can’t help that he’s an unstoppable killing machine, can you snookums?”
- Leela, from Futurama
“I’m sorry, I just don’t like food that screams when you swallow it.”
- Phil “Release The Wolves!” Creed, on dubious foreign food
“If it screams, that means you didn’t chew it enough.”
- Antonia Cardwell, in rebuttal
“In our ‘life’ there is ‘if’
In our ‘beliefs’ there is ‘lie’
In our ‘business’ there is ‘sin’
In our ‘bodies’ there is ‘DIE’”
- Dave Mustaine (of MegaDeth)
“I’ll lie again and again. And I’ll keep lying. I PROMISE.”
- Henry Rollins
“Just a blithering lot of fools and idiots who continue infest this planet of mine despite the best of my efforts.”
- Phil Creed
(I truly believe that deep down, everybody thinks this.)
“We know what people want because we’re the people who want it.”
- Nigel Willis
(Zen-like declaration on why my fellow Collector friends and I should be dictating what and how much Hasbro makes.
“I’m hearing too much time between screams.”
- Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh), from The Wild Wild West
“I think we should attack the lower classes, first with bombs and rockets to destroy their homes, and then when they run helplessly into the streets, mow them down with machine guns. Then release the vultures.”
- from Monty Python’s Flying Circus
“It gives me a migraine headache thinking down to your level.”
- Dave Mustaine, “Sweating Bullets”
(...or Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. I can’t remember.)
“I have spoken. Now let it be law.”
- Nigel Willis
(Meant as a jest, this quote is good for getting laughs.)
“Say it with flowers -- give her a triffid.”
- Graffitti on a wall
“I feel that man has ruled this world as a stumbling, demented child-king long enough!”
- Vincent Price, from the intro to Alice Cooper’s “Black Widow”
“Throw up, it’ll make you feel better.”
- Lakewood High track coach
(Suggested to Alex “TigerEyes” Hackert after a grueling workout. Not only does this make a darn cool quote, the tip, according to Alex, works extremely well!)
“You can keep your prototypes and rare .00 variations. I want the one where they got it right.”
- John “Wildman” McVey, on the follies of obsessive first-release collectors.
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