OF PARCHUTES AND ENGLISH TEACHERS!
(A true story)
This actually took place in an English lecture in college last year, and still leaves me in splits each time I remember it. Most of the people I know, have heard of this one, but for those who weren't so lucky, here's nearly what happenned:
This is the best thing youre ever going to read in a long time. Its unbelievable, so much so that you'll feel like banging your head on the nearest wall after reading it.
The Characters:
'RK': Ms. Rekha P., English Teacher, KC College.
'Me': Myself inthe First year Junior College, D div.
Time: 4:30 PM, Thursday, 28th Jan 99.
I'm sitting in the middle row {there are 3} on the second bench.
The actual conversation follows:
ACT I:
We have a chapter called "The Parachute And The Rocket" which basically tells us what the two are about... Why it;s present in the ENGLISH text book, God alone knows.
RK opens the book.
RK: "What is a parachute {looks around for a scapegoat, finds one} Yes, you?"
Back Bench Student: "Ma'am it is used by skydivers to land safely-----"
RK:{cuts him off} "Wrong. Anyone else?"
Another Back Bencher : "Ma'am, it is used by pilots----"
RK: {cuts again} "No! Im asking what is a Parachute?"
{Confused looks. 3 other guys make identically unsuccessful attempts, only to be silenced}
RK: No one knows what a parachute is? This shows your General Knowledge.
Finally someone (i.e. Malay) gets a bright idea.
Malay: "Ma'am it is made out of cloth--- "{cut off too}
Mustafa: "Ma'am it is made of Nylon---"
RK: "No what am I asking and what are you telling me?"
{Mustafa gives up. I'm irritated by now.}
Me: "Ma'am in what context are you asking this? Uses or Description?"
RK: "I'm just asking WHAT IS A PARACHUTE??? "
RK: {seeing my confused look}"If I ask you what is Science, what will you tell me?"
Me: "Ma'am its a subject."
RK: "NO. Its a study of life."
huh?
RK: {seeing my even-more-confused- look}"Okay, tell me what is a chemical?
{silence}
RK: "It is any substance.......er...... that has chemicals in it."
{more silence. The girls sitting behind us giggle}
Bhavin: "Ma'am every substance has chemicals in it."
RK: "What rubbish! Even Food has chemicals?"
Bhavin: "Yes Maam."
RK: (disbelievingly) "Even Vitamins have Chemicals?"
Me: "Ma'am, they are chemicals."
{pause}
RK: "But then all food isnt made of chemicals......"
Me: "Yes it is, ma'am.
{pause - she can't argue with us Biology students}
RK: "Okay, but what is a parachute?"
{murmurs of Oh No!}
RK: "Simple. A Parachute Is a Device."
{everyone, including the girls are listening. We wait for her to continue}
Me: "Yes ma'am?"
RK: {repeats} "It is a Device. Like how you say aeroplane is machine....."
I am stunned..... a large smile then breaks and I turn my face. Mudassir (sitting next to me) looks away and starts giggling. Suchit, Piyush and Dhaval (sitting behind) and the rest are trying hard to keep a straight face under RK's nose......
ACT II
She proceeds with the chapter.
{5 minutes later} We are discussing about ejection seats and programmed Parachutes that open at a specific altitude.
RK: "You have been in those aeroplanes? In the beginning they tell you how to use the parachutes which are under your seats...."
{by now I'm in the mood.}
Me: "Miss they also have parachutes in Passenger planes?"
RK: "Yes they do."
Me: {starting the fight} "I've heard of them in Fighters, but also in Passenger Aircraft?"
RK: {she's had it with me. In a trying-to-control-myself-but-failing-miserably voice she politely informs me:} "LISTEN, YOU THINK TODAY YOU ARE SO SMART, BUT YOU ARE NOT. YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING BUT YOU SHOULD LEARN TO TALK A LITTLE LESS, AND NOT TO QUESTION EVERYTHING A TEACHER SAYS."
Me: "Yes ma'am."
Yep, who can argue with logic like that?
ACT III
But the best is yet to come...
Now were talking about parachutes being used to stop cars and all.
RK: "Have you seen the racing cars on T.V?"
Chorus: "Yes Ma'am."
RK: "Then you must have seen the parachutes that are sometimes used to stop the cars?"
Chorus: "Yes Ma'am".
RK: "Sometimes they also have 2 parachutes, One behind, {here it comes} ONE IN THE FRONT (!!!!!!!!)"
This is it. I have reached my limit. I burst out, almost laughing. She spots me:
RK: {looking at me} "GET OUT OF THE CLASS!!!"
Me: "Ma'am?"
RK: "YES YOU. WHAT IS THERE TO LAUGH ABOUT???"
Me: {poker-faced, looking serious enough to win the Academy Award for Lifetime Achievement for Acting in any role)} "Ma'am I was not laughing. Really."
By this time the girls are at it again. She turns to them and whilegiving them a piece of her mind, forgets me} The rest of the lecture passes without incidents, largely due to my self-control.
God, This English teacher.... what kind of hare-brained logic can lead anyone to believe that a car could have a parachute in the Front???? This teacher taught us English last year, and I shudder each time I remember how a lecture of her's used to be.
Oh, don't for a moment think that this is the standard of all teachers teaching in my College, city, state or country, because we have some wonderful teachers for English around and its just that we had the (mis)fortune of having her as one.
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