Jokes of all kind

By Greatdane

teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" >> The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. >> "No, no, no. Let’s try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" >> "None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." >> "It’s simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away." >> "Well," she says, "it’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think." >> "Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. >> The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. >> "C’mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?" >> "Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who’s sucking?" >> "No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."



hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."



Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. She says nothing, but drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair every time

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady metwith him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million."I bet" she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people."" Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 atstake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 fordoing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bankby the balls."


Q: How do you define "indecent"? A: When it's in long, in hard and in deep, it's in decent.


Why did the chicken cross the road?:
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justi fies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now geneticall disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?


A Mexican, Polack, black, Italian, a priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured its approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed its mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on top its head. The 'gator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man then made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly said, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."


A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited." The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!"


S.H.I.T. In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDETRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. WE can add your naem to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will getthe S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promortion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL,SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)






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