.....This is the section where I discuss some of the religious
issues in my life. It also covers a lot of the things that have shaped my
beliefs and spiritual growth... I cannot apologise if any of this offends
anyone, as it is a part of myself that I am very comfortable with. Also, all
the things I am describing here are true! Many of these events may seem like
fiction, but too many of my friends have been witnesses to these incidents for
me to believe otherwise...
.....One may wonder why in Gaia's name would I tell all these intimate details to complete strangers? The answer is simple: It does me no good to simply keep these matters secret. I also would like to hear from others about their experiences. I have often found that discussing these matters lends us more strength in dealing with them.
Now on with the accounts:
Note: All artwork in the Pagan section is either ©Robin Wood or ©Joshua Gabriel Timbrook. The use of their artwork is in no way meant to infringe on any copyrights. They are scanned from The Robin Wood Tarot and the Mage: The Ascension. Tarot.
Some notes about my beliefs:
..... Well I thought what I originally posted here was kinda confusing so I figured that I would revise the notes about my Religious beliefs.
Here are some of the details that you should know:
.....Perhaps the main thing that separates my own personal beliefs from that of many Pagans is that I do believe in evil as a sentient, malefic force. I also don't buy into the "pacifist pagan" concept, I won't go looking for a fight, but if one finds me I won't hold back. However, I am not one of those "Playgans" who talk about how the battle dragons astrally on a weekly basis. The things I have encountered are much more serious and subtle and that is what worries me. Also please bear in mind: It is the rare case where I have to do any of this. It is NOT fun, and I didn't enjoy most of it. It was necessary however and I stand by that.
.....Please also note that at times I may use terms
borrowed from literature or other sources. This should not give you the
impression that the events I detail were inspired by such. In most cases I am
just using a terminology that feels right (or that I got used to using
at some later point)... Also, I have changed (or omitted) names wherever
possible to protect "the innocent"
The Suicide
.....The beginning of things is always the most difficult part I
think. I tell people that I really didn't find my religion, it sorta "found"
me, since I never went out looking to become Pagan. I was a teenager who was
trying to come to terms with himself. I had pretty much just come out to my
friends, finally admitting that I was Gay. It went reasonably well (not like
anyone stopped talking to me because of it), but there were things happening
that was causing tension between myself and my friends. There are all sorts of
stresses one goes through at that time in your life and I really wasn't handling
them well at all. I felt like such an outsider in my own life and I really
couldn't handle it anymore. I decided to take my own life and get it over with,
since I truly felt that I had completely lost touch with the things around me.
....Well I won't go into too much detail over the exact details of how and where I planned to kill myself. All I can say is that I was in a fog most of that day. What is important is that I found myself in a wooded area and I pulled out the razor I had brought with me and ran it lightly over my wrist. Then I looked up and I nearly dropped the razor in shock. I was staring at a large wolf, grey and white, that was staring calmly back at me. To this day I cannot even begin to describe the warmth and knowledge in those yellow-green eyes. In my head, I heard a voice , clear and masculine, and slightly old: "You can't leave. She needs you here."
.....I replied out loud "Who?" I still marvel at how I didn't find any of this all that unusual, that I simply accepted what was happening as if it were the most normal thing on earth.
.....There was a brief pause and then something that sounded like a chuckle. The wolf looked around for a second and replied: "She who has created all."
....That moment seemed to stretch out forever. Suddenly the world came into a painfully clear focus. I could feel everything around me, the energies that flowed all around; and I could feel Her watching me. I saw myself and the dangerously self-absorbed state I had been in, and I felt Her love for me regardless. Then I felt the panic that my friends were feeling over the notes I had left them. The wolf bolted from the spot, but I could hear him still: "Go to your friends, they need you now!"
.....When I went back, things were different, but that was mostly because my perspective had changed. I seemed more aware of things. That night I went out and offered my prayers to Her name, that She would keep me safe and teach me more about the world around me. In a sense I still think of my old unaware self as having died that day.
The Lunacon Incident
.....Those who know me pretty well have a good idea of what
Sanctuary is. Its actually a three walled, gated, area in a park in NY
somewhere. The first time I had gone there was about a year after the suicide
attempt. I was playing touch football with a few of my friends and we went to
the top of this hill/cliff where there was this little stone structure. I went
in with one of my friends and we examined this "courtyard", about 15
paces square. It was very peaceful there and there was no breeze, we felt very
welcomed there. The rest of my friends went on to play some more but I stayed
behind with one of my other friends and we just, well, relaxed there for a
while; it was almost like we were recharging. We found out that it was the
burial plot of a very wealthy NY family, and we asked the "inhabitants"
if we were welcomed there, suddenly there was a warm breeze, the sun came out,
and we felt a lazy peace settle over the area. We took that as a pretty good
indicator that we were welcome. :o)
.....I had begun to learn about the concept of "Power Nodes", places where natural energy flowed freely. This was right next to one of these Nodes. We started to go there in the early evenings and perform rituals there, even tho it was in a park that has a reputation for muggings and such. That's how we wound up giving it the name "Sanctuary", it always felt safe there. Many would think we were taking our lives in our hands by going into a public park after dusk, but no one ever got hurt. Sanctuary was a place that we kept free from graffiti and kept the local Satanists and Santeros (people who practice a religion similar in a sense to voodoo) away as much as we could. We did find beer cans and (occasionally) dead chickens there, but we kept them out of there for the most part. Sanctuary was also a place where people who did not have "The Sight" actually started seeing the things that I see on a daily basis (currents of power, incarna, things like that).
.....There are those who feel that there is no such thing as evil. To those people, I have to say: "Wrong!" Evil exists, and no amount of putting one's head in the sand will make it go away. There are forces out there that are dedicated to corruption and decay. I have seen the effects of people invoking such things, and they are not pretty.
.....The whole incident I wish to tell you about actually started nearly 6 years ago. I had an old high school buddy who was having problems with his girlfriend and I was trying to help him out. Turns out she left the country, and before leaving she gave him these two amulets; one a single terminated obsidian and the other a pewter "horn" with a small skull on it. Both myself and a close Pagan friend of mine found this an odd "gift" to him from someone who allegedly "loved" him. We had all gone to Lunacon shortly thereafter and my friend (I'll call her "Bette") wanted to perform a sort of scrying on these amulets (both of us got some very weird vibes off of them). Bette wanted there to be at least three of us there, so she invited one of her friends (who was a baptist) to join us.
.....This girl was pretty open minded, and things went okay to begin with, as Bette had a healing invocation that she wanted to perform before we started the scrying. When she started trying to undo the Wards on the amulet, we found that they were tightly woven and I had to lend my own energy to assist her in undoing them. Underneath there was a Working that had my friend's girlfriend had obviously put on it. We knew this because it was the same energies that were in a photo of her that my friend had provided... (As an interesting side note: the back of the photo had the inscription "I have great plans for you." somehow that chilled both Bette and myself). As we began peeling away the Working on the amulets the room filled with a heavy "presence" and the girl stared screaming. Bette stopped the ritual, dropped the amulets in her ritual goblet filled with salt water (for binding), and we went to her and tried to calm her down. We still felt this "presence" in the room. The girl was obliviously shaken by the events and kept describing the feeling of the "thing" in the room with us. She said "It was like a black hatred, a fury and just...evil..." Then Bette and I looked at each other and looked to the amulet. The reflection in the side of the steel amulet was that of a black bird, head down. The girl leapt up and struck the goblet off of the makeshift altar, with Bette just behind her. The presence in the room immediately lifted and I chided Bette for not Shielding this girl before we started.
.....We then packed up and prepared to tell my friend the bad news about this girl he was so enamoured of. Bette told me to give the amulet back to my friend and tell him to destroy it, preferably as soon as possible. When she handed me the wet amulet, a bright yellow spark crossed between our hands. I took the amulet back up to my hotel room and put them in a special pouch to keep them safe so I could go find my friend. I had left the pouch on the night table right beside the bed, my boyfriend (at the time), "Ron" was sleeping right next to it. When I came back to get the amulet, I found Ron tossing and turning violently on the bed and he didn't calm down until I had taken the pouch out of the room. I gave the amulet to my friend, with a growled warning that he had better destroy it. In so far as I know, he did. I thought that would be the end of it. I had no idea how premature a thought that would be.
The Sanctuary Affair(s)
Part I: Confrontation
.....Well the whole matter sat for a few months after that. For
some reason, however, I couldn't shake the feeling that we had been unsuccessful
in dealing with the whatever energies had been loosed at the convention. I
talked to Bette and she was having similar concerns; after discussing it
further, she told me that she had since been unwilling to use the goblet that we
used for the scrying. We decided to see if whatever we had released had decided
to "hide" in the goblet itself. We assembled a few of our friends and
went out to Sanctuary to perform the ritual.
.....When we arrived it was pretty dark, being nearly 8 or 9 P.M. when we arrived, Bette got to work setting up the ritual and I began walking the perimeter of Sanctuary to create a Warding to protect us. Then Bette and her cousin started trying to focus the energies around us to raise a cone of power. This was more difficult than it should have been and we had to have everyone focus until the task was done. Then I felt that same presence I felt at the con; we had been correct in assuming that the "entity" had hidden in the goblet after the ritual and that it had lain dormant until it thought it could escape. At this point Bette took her cousin's sword (yes sword, you read it correctly) and struck the goblet, parting the bowl from the stem (an interesting note: we never found the stem part of the goblet, even when we came back the next morning to examine the site). I "Saw" a dark red and yellow swirling energy explode from the goblet and permeate the area, then it coalesced into something which I can only describe as an "amoeba". I was the only one who could see it clearly (tho others there could see it dimly or feel its presence) so I helped them try to bind it to one of the candles. When we finally managed this and Scryed to see who had cast this Working, turns out it was my friend's now ex-girlfriend and there were traces of another presence on it as well (one of a woman who had crossed both my friend and myself as well). Then we tried to set the candle alight. Nothing we did would set the wick aflame. We tried lighting it with another candle, we tried to create a small bonfire to burn it completely in (which wouldn't light either). Now before you assume anything, remember that this was a warm night nearing the beginning of summer, it was very dry that night and we were able to light all the other candles for the ritual.
.....What we eventually wound up having to do was rebind the "thing" (I will refer to it henceforth as a "Bane") to the Node of power (by going directly to the Node with the candle and smashing the candle against the rocks of the Node) and leaving it for when we could deal with it again. Just before we left, Bette decided to do something that forever left me somewhat at odds with her. She took up the sword and began an "Oathbreaking" ritual without even the slightest idea of what the hell she was dealing with! There was neither the available energy to cast such a thing, nor was it her right to do so (we would have needed my friend to perform this ritual correctly since he was the direct target of the Working). I persuaded her to ground the spell (by my steadfast refusal to potentially incur that kind of bad karma by performing an Oathbreaking capriciously) and we decided to depart for the evening. We packed up our ritual gear and headed out, somewhat "high" on nervous energy. This is perhaps the last time in the whole of this mess that we actually had any control over things. It went steadily downhill from there...
Part II: Conflict
.....The second time we went to Sanctuary to take care of the Bane,
things went nowhere near as well. It was New Moon and Bette's strength (which
seemed to tie into the lunar cycle) was at an ebb. When we got there, there was
very little ambient energy to Work with and everything seemed... unreal...
disconnected. .....We lit candles and what energies were there we
channeled into the Warding on the place. It all went south quickly from there.
At thick fog appeared suddenly (from nowhere it seemed) which left us feeling
very "blocked in". We sent two of our friends (I'll call them "Shane"
and "Bart") back to the car to get more candles (for both light and
power), but once they stepped into the fog, we couldnt "feel" them
anymore (nor could we find them). I could feel the Bane still trapped in the
Node, but there was something wrong all around us. I just
couldn't tell precisely what it was. Suddenly I couldn't feel the Node from
inside the walls of Sanctuary. I told this to Bette and suggested I go out and
try to access the Node directly.
..... Now realise that Sanctuary is in a small wooded area near the edge of a cliff (yes NYC has cliffs), and there is a cleared path around the outside wall to sanctuary that leads to the top of the cliff. I took my sword (I have about 3 consecrated swords, as well as a few athames) and went through the gate and turned left rounded the corner to take that path, except for one small problem: The path simply wasn't there! There was an expanse of thigh-high grass in front of me with no way to the node. I began to cut at the grass, slowly making my way to the woods that obscured the cliff. When I had gotten about 1/4 of the way (about 5 feet), all of a sudden I heard my Guardian's voice, clear and urgent inside my head saying: "Turn around." I did so and for the briefest moment my heart froze.
..... What I saw is difficult to describe fully. Each of us saw it differently (although the differences were slight). It was vaguely panther like, yet thin like a greyhound; it's skin was sort of serpent-like and irridescent black (like a scarab). The eyes were practically invisible, like pits of blackness, yet they flashed yellow/red on occasion. I could feel the menace of its mere presence and it was heading for the gateway. From where I stood I leapt in the air and landed near it, slashing hard at it. There was a "scream" but it was not an actual sound, it was as if a black silence blotted out all the sound around me (I could feel the scream rather than hear it), and it loped away along the path to the north. I followed for a few feet and then reconsidered going off by myself in the woods under the circumstances. I returned to the gateway and reentered Sanctuary. What power was left was steadily failing and we knew the Warding wouldn't hold for much longer. As we began to gather up our belongings, I looked up to the top of the wall and saw another one of those panther-things. This one was walking along the edge of the wall, testing the Wards every couple of seconds. Bette tried to hit it with a bolt of energy, but since she could not "See" it, she had to have me help her "aim". The thing easily dodged the blasts and Bette was rapidly depleting her own personal energy. I got a trifle desperate and called upon my Guardian for help. There was a lone wolf howl, followed by the barks and yips of dogs. The thing slunk away (I felt there were about 3 of them there). We decided to get while the getting was good and hurriedly packed the last of our things and scrambled to get out of there. We took the path to the east, which leads down a large grassy knoll to a joggers path. It was there that we met up with Shane and Bart whe had not been able to find any path to Sanctuary. We beat a hasty retreat to our waiting vehicle and headed home (or at least to my house)
.....Well after the giddy excitement
died down, Bette announced that she would never set foot in Sanctuary again.
Then she insisted that I give up Sanctuary as lost. That pissed me off greatly
(and deepened the rift between us), I had no intention of giving up my sacred
space just because she couldn't handle her own fear. So I made plans to move
without her....
Next week I will post the final
outcome of the matter started at Lunacon. Thanks for all the positive
responses!
Brightest Blessings to you all!
Some
notes about my beliefs