Dr. Atomicat's Patented Wonder Page
This page is scientifically designed to cheer up a depressed person
It's true that opposites attract. The converse of that is also true: similars repel. That is
the scientific principle behind Dr. Atomicat's Patented Wonder Page! This page is so darned
depressing that you've got to be cheered up just by viewing it. If you're depressed, keep
reading.
If you're planning to kill yourself, follow these easy steps:
- Go to the bank.
- Withdraw all the money you have, some cash, some traveller's checks.
- Say "good-bye" to anyone you're really going to miss.
- Sell all of your stuff.
- Go some place exotic where you've always wanted live.
- Settle down there and open up a small business or just relax, you decide.
- Live there for about a year, if it still sucks, at least you're in a pretty cool place,
and you can still kill yourself later.
- If you're still alive in two years, send postcards to all your old friends saying
"Wish you were here!"
Remember what they said in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life:
I feel that life's a game
You sometime win or lose
And though I may be down right now
At least I don't work for Jews*.
*If you're Jewish, please don't take offense, you, of all people, know exactly
what they're talking about!
If you're up on a ledge be sure to try one of these for fun (why not? you're on your way
out anyway!:
- If you're a guy, whip it out and hose down the crowd below, it'll really rattle the shrink
they send to talk you down.
- If you're a gal, take your top off and start feeling your breasts, it'll really rattle the
shrink they send to talk you down.
- Pretend to be sleep walking.
- Claim to be a postal employee and act like you forgot your gun.
- Wet your finger, put it up in the air to test the wind, then act like you're going to do a
dive into the crowd below.
- When the crowd starts to chant "jump," yell down to them, "If you all think this is so easy
why doesn't one of you come up here!"
- Claim it was heavy metal lyrics that drove you to this state.
- Claim it was gospel lyrics that drove you to this state. (That'll really mess with their
heads.)
- Right before you leap say, "This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back
I want my money back
I want my money back
It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!
And all the morons
And all the stooges with their coins
They're the ones who make the rules
It's not a game - it's just a rout
There's desperation
There's desperation in the air
It leaves a stain on all your clothes
And no detergant gets it out
And we're always slipping through the the cracks
Then the movie's over - fade to black
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!
I want my money back
I want my money back
What about love?
It's defective!
It's always breaking in half
What about sex?!
It's defective!
It's never built to really last
What about your family?
It's defective!
All the batteries are shot
What about your friends?
They're defective!
All the parts are out of stock
What about hope?
It's defective!
It's corroded and decayed
What about faith?
It's defective!
It's tattered and it's frayed
What about your Gods?
They're defective!
They forgot the warranty
What about your town?
It's defective!
It's a dead end street to me
What about your school?
It's defective!
It's a pack of useless lies
What about your work?
It's defective!
It's a crock and then you die
What about your childhood?
It's defective!
It's dead and buried in the past
What about your future?
It's defective!
And you can shove it up your ass!!
I want my money back
I want my money back
It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!
And we're always slipping through the the cracks
Then the movie's over-fade to black
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!
You've taken pretty good care of your body up until this point, don't ruin it now by
damaging it in your suicide attempt. A few things don'ts to remember in this
regard:
- Don't shoot yourself in the head, closed casket funerals are boring.
- Don't hang yourself, the face becomes contorted and bloated.
- Don't drown yourself, the entire body becomes bloated and water logged.
- Don't jump from any height, the skull could become crushed.
- Don't slit your wrists, the blood drain makes the hands look unnatural.
- Don't slit your neck, the mortician can never hide the wound effectively.
- Don't take sleeping pills and booze, sometimes you swallow your tongue and that's not a
pretty picture.
- Don't run a car engine in the garage, the eyes tend to bulge from the sockets.
Disclaimer: I'm not a medical doctor. The only doctoral degree I have, I got for sending
a "donation" to some whacky church, but, according to
them, I'm a Doctor of Metaphysics. With that
and a quarter, you can make a call from a pay phone. They also
ordained me, so legally, I'm the Reverend
Doctor Atomicat. When I was ordained, you had to mail your application to the church, now
they have this handy online form.
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life © 1983 The Monty Python
Partnership
"Life is a Lemon and I Want my Money Back" Written by Jim Steinman © 1993
Edward B. Marks Music Co. (BMI)
Copyright © 1998 Octavian Group All Rights Reserved
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