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THE DARWIN AWARD'S!

Ladies and Gentlemen, you've been patient, but believe me it's been worth the wait.
THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon the remains of that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

And now, for this year's illustrious winners:

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington.
Having no tickets (but 18 beers between them) they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence.
The plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal---to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30-plus foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, John found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
When finally free, John crashed below into Holly Bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, John found himself the unwilling victim of a holly branch impalement (penetrating his rectal opening).
To make matters worse, his pocket knife had proceeded to fall with him and imbedded itself three inches into his left thigh.

Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety.
However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck.
This is when things went from bad to worse.
In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend.

Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle;
and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

The runners-up:

[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and unfastened some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
Unfortunately for Hubal, the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

[AP, St. Louis, MO]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market...
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics were unable to revive him, and doctors later removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

The following are not eligible for the award, since they are still living and thus might still procreate, but nice try, anyway:

[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."

"He put it in his mouth and bit down.
It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.

"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

[UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.

Doctors said, had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said, had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district B attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.