VISIT MY ONLINE STORE! Best bargain's on the internet!For book's and music!
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Never moon a werewolf.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
If you can't be kind, be vague.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.
* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
* I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
* To all you virgins.... thanks for nothing.
* I'm not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If something goes without saying, LET IT!
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
* Jesus paid for our sins... Now, lets get our money's worth!
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
* I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* When there's a Will, I want to be in it!
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
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