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Angela Coqueran has filed suit in New York state after the manager of a Manhattan McDonalds restaurant refused to sell the 37-year-old woman a Happy Meal so she could get her Teenie Beanie Baby collectible toy. Her attorney claims the manager is clearly in violation of "Happy Meal rules..." which, as you know, carries the death penalty...
A family in Madrid, Spain complained to their baker this week after finding a human finger inside a fresh-baked loaf. Turned out it belonged to the baker, who had lost in the bread machine that morning... thanks, but I'd still really rather have my Beanie Baby...
Why, according to the Constitution, is the IRS FORBIDDEN TO DIRECTLY TAX a U.S. Citizen? Do you know that a Citizen's participation in INCOME (1040) and EMPLOYMENT (Social Security FICA) TAXES are VOLUNTARY? Get the FACTS/TRUTH about the IRS and the Federal Reserve! Request your FREE REPORT by email now! Click here
A 16-year-old girl in Falkirk, Scotland has been ordered to undergo an anger management course after assaulting a man and destroying property because she was "fed up" with a name that didn't suit her. Happy Stewart told the court she wants to be called Elizabeth... her middle name, "Birthday," will also need to be changed...
And speaking of names, yours may be more important than you think. In a study of death certificates, a California professor has found that men with "positive" initials-- like V.I.P and W.I.N-- live 4.8 years longer on average than a control group. Men whose initials form negative acronyms like P.I.G and B.U.M, on the other hand, died 2.8 years sooner... sounds like somebody needs to get a J.O.B.
Way More Than You Wanted to Know Department: The Times of London reports this week that the average person will grow two yards of nostril hair in their lifetime...
A transsexual Canadian woman who used to be a man is suing a gay and lesbian bar for refusing to let her use the women's restroom... I'm sorry, this is all just too confusing...
Doubts about Hector Rivas' sanity were laid to rest after the convicted murderer snored and shouted through most of his two-day trial in April. A prosecution expert insisted that Rivas was faking insanity, but after he appeared in court smeared with his own feces, the jury seemed convinced...
Our Product of The Week Award goes to Ted Oliver of Great Britain, who is offering "Bounty Hunter vacation packages" to British tourists this summer. For $1,300, vacationers will get black uniforms, body armor, and semi- automatic pistols, and the chance to accompany Oliver on a manhunt for criminals in America...
Police in Korea have charged Kim Yong-se with murder for killing a fellow church elder by throwing a bible at his head... in times like these, I always turn to the Scriptures...
An inventor in Xi'an, China has come up with a new method of birth control for men. According to the official Xinhua news agency, the "pager- size" device fits inside a man's underwear and emits electronic pulses that render him temporarily sterile... and for an extra $5.95 a month, your underwear can get unlimited Internet access...
Fears of widespread public panic have caused NASA to order astronomers to observe a 72-hour news blackout on any reports of incoming asteroids... all right, NOW we're all gonna die...
After returning from a Burger King in Deltona, Florida, Henry Snowden was surprised to find his order was wrong. Along with his burger and fries, Snowden found a pouch containing $4000 in cash. A restaurant employee had hidden the bank deposit in a Burger King bag to deter thieves, and another employee handed it to Mr. Snowden with his order... honest, I thought it was just a really GOOD value meal...
When police found a plastic bag of powder in Michael Horne's pickup truck, there was a difference of opinion. Police said it was methamphetamine. Horne insisted it was the ashes of his dead grandmother. Testing seemed to confirm the police theory. But after Horne lost his job, his pickup, his apartment, and spent a month in jail, further tests revealed he was telling the truth...
The Direct Casket company of New York City is now selling coffins in retail stores for 50 to 75 percent less than funeral parlor prices. The company also guarantees delivery anywhere in the continental U.S within 24 hours, in case you're in a hurry... but you'll still have to dig the shallow grave yourself...
Hundreds of people are flocking to the banks of a river in Cambodia after hearing reports of a "magic turtle" with special healing powers. "I've never seen this kind of magic turtle before," said one 60-year-old woman. "I believe the magic turtle comes to save our lives..."
Graham Griffin, a fishing boat captain in Australia, has been sentenced to nine months in prison for throwing crewman Adrian Bush to the sharks for "not catching enough fish..." sure, where's the magic turtle when you need him?
The Terrible Tickler is still on the loose in Glastonbury, Connecticut. Over the past four years, eleven women in this small town have been awakened in the middle of the night by someone tickling their feet. Police suspect the culprit is a male, but are unsure because none of the victims has ever gotten a good look at the perpetrator... Tickle My Elmo...
In an effort to curb promiscuity and halt the spread of AIDS among schoolchildren, the South African government has approved a "virginity test." Children who pass are given a certificate of virtue. According to The Times of London, the test for boys includes urinating, without using their hands, over a thin piece of wire strung a meter off the ground. They are also checked for an "indentation behind their knees," said an examiner, "which is a sign of sexual activity... no, that's from hanging upside down on a thin piece of wire...
Radio listeners in Crestview, Florida heard silence, then a thump as veteran broadcaster George Cain suffered a brain aneurysm in the middle of his morning program on WSJB... this just in-- I'm dead...
That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...
THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon the remains of that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
And now, for this year's illustrious winners:
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers between them) they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence. The plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal---to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30-plus foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, John found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly Bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, John found himself the unwilling victim of a holly branch impalement (penetrating his rectal opening). To make matters worse, his pocket knife had proceeded to fall with him and imbedded itself three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend.
Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle; and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
The runners-up:
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and unfastened some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. Unfortunately for Huber, the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market... When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics were unable to revive him, and doctors later removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
The following are not eligible for the award, since they are still living and thus might still procreate, but nice try, anyway:
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."
"He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.
Doctors said, had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said, had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district B attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
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