Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

I don't want it to be this way.  I don't want to be staring at my ceiling, wondering who my ex-lover is sleeping with tonight.  I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be scared, but I am.

Some might say it's a little ridiculous for a seven-foot-tall man to be cowering in his room, but my only answer is that they have not led my life.  They haven't been permanently scarred in an inferno which claimed the only person to ever truly love them.  That is why I'm haunted to this day.  It's why I refuse to forgive my brother, and I suppose it's what ruined things between me and Sean.

Things were wonderful, once upon a time.  Sean and I came together one night after we had both been left, me by my so-called friend, Chyna, and Sean by his on-again-off-again lover, Hunter.  We were both drunk and when we woke up the next morning in bed together...it just seemed right.

Sean was my best friend, my real first love, and my angel.  He told me I was his knight in shining armor.  I believed him...he promised me there would be no lies between us, that everyone before that had hurt us didn't matter as long as we were together.  They were whispered promises in the dark I never should have believed.

Give me endless summer
Lord I feel the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

So, you might ask, if me and Sean were so wonderful and perfect together, why did he walk out on me last November?  The answer is a certain blonde man who apparently has complete control of Sean.  From what I've heard from talk in the back, Hunter pretty much stole Sean back from me.  I really don't know the specifics, just that one day we were cuddling with each other and the next I was lying in the ring while Sean and his DX buddies kicked the shit out of me.

It's not something I like to look back on.  I try to forget that day, I attempt to erase from my mind the feeling...the same way I felt when I found out Mark had torched our house.  You can only imagine how well that went.

As my soul feels the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Mark and Sean.  Now there were two people who absolutely loved each other.  I can't tell you how many times I heard from Sean that I should totally disown my brother, I can't count how many times Mark has said "You're with HIM??"  Sean is actually part of the reason that me and Mark are having the problems we're having now.  Partially because of the way Sean used to encourage me, and partly in a desperate attempt to impress my ex, I decided that I didn't much want to live under my brother's rule for the rest of my life.  So I ambushed him during a match.

Doing that to Mark has made me happier than I've ever been since Sean left me.  I'm still depressed and lonely, but at least it's a stable depressed and lonely.  I'm not shacking up with slutty women or having wicked mood swings.  And by finally isolating myself from Mark, I almost feel that I've made my mom a little bit happier.  And that's not an altogether bad feeling.

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

I spent so long after Sean left me trying to figure out why, wondering what I said or did to make this happen. It had to be my fault, everything else is, so why not that?  After all, I had been making him feel inadequate, always coming in to save the day...or so he claims.  I still don't see what he's talking about, everyone respected him, so what was I doing wrong by trying to help him?  Isn't that what I was supposed to do?

I still don't understand why he did it, what Hunter did to coerce Sean back to him.  I don't think I ever will.  All I know is that I lost him.  We don't even hate each other now....there's just this absence.  We pass in the halls and try to pretend the other isn't there, I fight matches against or along with Hunter and ignore the fact he took the most precious thing in my life.  I know it isn't all Hunter's fault, but he's an easy target for most of my anger.

This hardest part is knowing that Sean did this to me.  I feel like such an idiot for trusting him for so long...for letting him into my bed and my heart.  I loved him so much, I thought he was going to be the only different one, and he betrayed me just like everyone else.

It feels good to say that, to get angry with him, because it's a little bit of time where the burden isn't resting on me.  When I blame him or Hunter, even just for a moment, it's a brief glimpse of what it feels like not to have ruined the best thing you ever had.

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

Disgusted with my depressive musings and myself for not getting over Sean, I flop down onto my bed, only to have the phone start ringing.  I at up, irritated.  "Yeah?"

"Kane?"  The voice, the one I've grown to hate, sounds concerned...almost panicked.  "Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me."  I answer.  "What do you want, Hunter?"

"It's about Sean."  I went to hang up the phone, not wanting to hear it, but Hunter's voice stops me.  "Wait!  Look, I really need your help here."

I sighed and kept the phone to my ear.  "You need my help?"

"Yeah, I know, shocking, isn't it?"  His tone is almost humorous, but I can sense his worry.  "Anyway...you saw Sean get attacked by Billy tonight...well Billy ambushed him backstage...and now Sean's bleeding all over and I can't get him to go to the hospital."

"What do you want me to do about it?"  Honestly, sometimes I don't understand those DX guys...

I could hear a frustrated sigh at the other end.  "Talk to him.  Violently drag him to the hospital.  Do SOMETHING."  I paused for a moment, ready to deny his request, but Hunter's voice, nearly pleading, stopped me.  "I know you hate me, but you're the only person I think can get through to Sean.  Please."

Dammit...I can't say no now....  "Where's your room?"

***

"Awww, what the hell is HE here for?"

I stood in the doorway to Hunter's hotel room, where Sean was glaring at me, holding a blood-soaked towel to his head.  "Nice to see you too."

Sean continued to scowl as he turned to Hunter.  "Did you call him?"

Hunter leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.  "Yup.  And he's gonna take you to the hospital if he has to kill you to get you there."

I grinned evilly behind my mask.  If I didn't despise Hunter, that would almost have been funny.  "Are you coming peacefully, or should I get out the leash?"  I asked him.

Sean looked between me and Hunter for a moment, waiting for one of us to back down.  When he finally figured out we wouldn't, he stood up angrily.  "Fine.  Be that way."

We went down to my car and drove in silence to the hospital.  We sat in the waiting room with no conversation, I watched him go in the room to get his head stitched up without saying anything, when he came back we got back in my car and began the drive back the hotel, still without either of us having spoke a word.

About halfway back, I heard a quiet sniffling next to me.  I glanced over and saw Sean with his knees pulled up to his chest, crying softly.  With a dramatic sigh, I pulled over and parked at the side of the road.  "You're getting dirt on my seat."

Without even looking up, Sean muttered "What, you afraid it's gonna wreck your torn-up upholstery?"

His words tore at my heart.  It had been a running joke between us when we were together- I had always yelled at Sean for putting his feet on the seats, and he would respond by telling me how it was in terrible condition.  Dammit, why does he always force me to care about him?  "Sean, why are you crying?"

He continued to look down.  "I humiliated myself.  Of all the days for you to come barging into my life, it had to be the day I was acting the most immature and bratty."

Sean's one of those people that it's sometimes hard to stay mad at, because he beats himself up worse than you probably could.  "I would say that I've seen you being worse than this."

Now Sean glared up at me, and I could see his tears glowing silvery in the moonlight.  "Thanks," he said sarcastically, "I needed that self-esteem boost there."

I resisted the sudden urge to wipe the teardrops from his face, to take him in my arms and forget the past year.  "It's not my job to comfort you.  You have Hunter for that now."

Sean looked at me in confusion for a moment, then his mouth widened into an "o" in surprise.  "You think.....oh man....."  He buried his face in his hands.  "It wasn't Hunter."

Now it was my turn to be confused.  "What are you talking about?"

Sean kept his face in his hands, apparently unwilling to look at me.  "I wasn't cheating on you with Hunter."

I swallowed, not wanting to think about that.  "Well then why'd you leave, Sean?"

Sean started to shake, but I was running short on sympathy today.  In a wavery voice, Sean whispered "Billy.  I was cheating on you with Billy."

I sat there for a moment, in shock.  "Billy?  Billy GUNN?"

"It's not what you think."  Sean was crying harder now.  "I was an idiot....I got really drunk one night, and I woke up the next morning in bed with him, and he told me that you wouldn't want me anymore after I'd slept with him..."

A small sob escaped him, but I was still too frozen to respond to him.  "Where does Hunter figure in?"

Sean's arms were wrapped around his thin body.  "He saved me.  Billy, he...he..."  Sean  pushed up his left sleeve and I looked at his arm.  Tiny scars covered it, small round ones....burn scars.  I closed my eyes, finally starting to understand what had happened.  Sean's tear-filled voice continued.  "Hunter found out...that's when he and Jesse kicked Billy's ass."

I opened my eyes, and found Sean looking at me, and for a second, we just stared into each other's eyes.  Finally, all the anger and bitterness I had felt for the past year disintegrated, and I pulled Sean into my arms.  He leaned heavily against me, burying his face in my neck.  I rocked him slightly, wondering why I hadn't figured out what had been going on and hoping somehow we could fix this rift.
 

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

Eventually, Sean pulled out of my arms.  "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I shook my head.  "No apologies.  Let's put this behind us and move on together."

Sean looked up at me, his eyes filled with hope and anxiety.  "Together?"

I pushed up my mask....Sean was the only person I had ever felt comfortable showing my face to...so I could kiss him lightly.  "Always together."

Give me endless summer
Lord I feel the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

Sean broke the kiss.  "Did you turn up the heat?"

I titled my head.  "No...why, are you hot?"

Sean grinned.  "I'm always hot...but yeah, it's really warm in here...it feels like summer."
I thought for a moment.  It did feel like summer, and the feeling brought me back not to this last summer, but the summer of '99, when me and Sean got together.  I remember wishing that summer would never end.  I smiled despite myself.  Maybe it didn't have to.