CONTENT WARNING: memories of rape

*** Hunter's POV ***

Chris's voice was tired as he said  "I have to tell you something else."

My stomach clenched, but I forced myself to stay calm and just squeeze his hand in support.  "Is it about the nightmares?"

He nods.  "This one is worse than before."  Oh God, he sounds so child-like...like the defenses of adulthood were crumbling.

I'm starting to feel a bit queasy.  What could be worse than what Benoit did?  "What happened, baby?"  I asked, trying to keep my voice calm and soothing.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, then looked over at me.  "Benoit..."  his eyes dropped down to stare at his hands.  "Benoit wasn't the first."  he whispered.

For a moment, I was frozen.  The words...and their meaning...echoed through my head.  My Chris....my sweet blonde angel....."Chris...oh God..."  I pulled him into my arms and he leaned against me stiffly, still trembling.  "Who was it?"  I finally asked.

"Someone in high school....I was a sophomore, he was a junior."  Chris's voice was almost flat.  "I was always smaller than everyone else, so they used to make fun of me because of that."    A small breath that could have been a sob escaped him.  "Then, they started saying I was...I was gay...and that's when it happened."

He paused and I tightened my hold on him.  He buried his face in my shirt and his shaking intensified. "We were alone in the locker room after school, and he pushed me down...he said he was going to show me what a real man was like..."  His voice trailed off and I could feel the wetness against my chest as his tears started.  "If screwing guys is so wrong, how could he do that?"  His voice was choked.  "If what....what made me different was what I wanted to do with other guys...isn't that what he did to me?  It doesn't make sense...."  His voice broke as the shaking turned to sobs.

"I know it doesn't make sense, that's why it was so wrong."  I don't know why I'm answering him with a rational answer.  I don't even think he can hear me, he's crying so
hard.  I pulled him closer to me and he ended up half in my lap, sobbing into my chest.  "Shhh...it's gonna be ok."  I tried to soothe him.

"I was so scared."  he whispered.  "I'm so scared...how could it happen again...."

I rubbed soothing circles on his back.  "I know...but never again.  I promise you, I'll keep you safe...you're safe now, it's gonna be ok...."  He kept sobbing, and I got the feeling he's kept all of this locked up for a very long time.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity of  his pained tears, he started to calm down.  His arms were locked around me as if he was afraid I was going somewhere.  I was at a total loss for words.  Nothing seemed sufficient to cover what I was feeling.  After a minute of sitting in silence, I said quietly "I love you."

He tightened his hold on me.  "Really?"

My heart broke with the uncertainty in his voice.  "Really.  Remember what I promised you?  Nothing you could tell me would make me stop loving you."  I hesitated. "Why did you...why did you never tell me?"

I felt him shift against me.  "I was afraid.  I didn't think that if you knew you would still...I don't know...respect me."  I opened my mouth to protest the absolute absurdity of that idea, but Chris cut me off.  "I know that you wouldn't leave me, I knew no one would blame me, but...I only knew it in my head, I still.....Hunter, I didn't tell ANYONE.  Not the teachers, not my friends, not my parents, because it was too humiliating.  Stuff like this just didn't happen to guys where I grew up.  I can't even explain....I felt so...dirty...and violated...and a part of me thought I deserved this for being how I am."  He let out a shaky breath.  "I guess I don't expect you to understand."

I sighed deeply.  "I think I do, but....oh God Chris, what happened on my birthday...I had you tied to the bed..."  I think I'm going to be sick....how could I have done this to someone I loved?   "Were you too scared to tell me to stop?"

"Hunter, don't do this to yourself."  Chris looked up at me, and even though his eyes were puffy and red, there was still a degree of calm that amazed me.  "You had no clue any of that could have triggered something.  Besides, in case you didn't guess from my nightmares, I get violent when I have flashbacks.  Believe me, you would have known if you were doing something to hurt me."  He rested his head back against my chest.  "That night....I was so lost in your touch, in how good everything felt, it was like the memories were a million miles away."  He took a shaky breath.  "I should have remembered that.  I'm sorry for putting you through what I have....it's just that it's been my burden alone for so long I didn't know how to share it."

I kissed the top of his head.  "I know.  I'm sorry that you had to go through that.  Now...I really think you need some sleep."

Chris yawned.  "Sounds good to me."  I reluctantly let go of him and he curled up underneath the sheets.  He looked up at me.  "Hunter?"

"Yeah Chris?"

He looked away, as if having to gather the courage.  "I....uhm..."  he laughed, but there was an edge of sadness to it.  "I shouldn't have any shame with what I say to you...not after tonight...Hunter, please stay here."

I hesitated.  "You sure you're ok with me being that close?  I don't want to...set you off or anything..."

He looked up at me and I could see the pain in his beautiful blue eyes.  "Let me put it this way.  If I don't have you close to me, I don't know how I'm going to get through tonight.  I...I need you."  That decided it.  I crawl into bed next to him and he cuddled up to me.  "This is going to sound really ridiculous,"  he said softly, "but thank you for listening.  I think somewhere deep inside, I've wanted to tell someone for years, and now that I have....I guess now I have a hope it's gonna get better someday."

My throat closed.  "We're gonna get through this, you hear me?"  I finally whispered to him.  I waited for an answer, but he was already asleep.
________
When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone...
-"This I Promise You", NSYNC