The Web's WORST Star Wars Page!
Who goes there?  Hey, what's the password?  No, you idiot, it was a trick -- there is NO password!  Now bring me some beans and cabbage before I use the Force on your sorry behind!
 
 
In 1977 George 'I'll Never Have To Direct Again' Lucas created the first Star Wars movie, only there weren't any stars in it except for a couple of old guys like Sir Alec Guinness, famous for being named after a pint of Guinness, and that other guy who used to be in all those old Dracula movies.  These two old geezers were on opposite sides and all but they never did fight or anything.  Oh yeah, there was that other guy who does the heavy breathing on all those 'The Call Is Coming From Inside the House'-type movies -- Barney Hill is his name.  The movie was a big hit with hippies and other pre-adolescents in the 70s, so Lucas decided to cash in and made two sequels, The Empire Strikes Out and Return of Uncle Jed.  The second sequel was the best one because it was cool.  There was lots of neurotic tension between Princess Leia (who never did) and Han Solo (who was Forced to rely on the ol' Han jive because Leia was thinking the whole time what fun she could have had with that Imperial Probe Droid if Han hadn't got jealous and blasted it).  The third one had live teddy bears in it and stunk because they weren't housebroken.  Plus Uncle Jed was a ghost and not only that, he hung out with that short dude from the second movie who was a ghost now too, and all they ever did was bitch and moan about the Empire having better uniforms and how hard it was to find good beer on Dagobah.

George Lucas got all rich and everything and figured he didn't need to bother making any more Star Wars movies until the late 90s when the toy and game manufacturers' demands for new stuff to sell finally got to him, so he recycled the old movies and told everybody he was finally going to make some new ones.  But he's so old now it will take him like twice as long to make the new movies, plus he's forgotten how to direct and write and all that junk since he hasn't done any of that for like forever.

I know from inside sources that the first of the new movies will be called Uncle Jed gets an Anal Probe, and that it will star some unknown actor named after another British ale as the young Uncle Jed (possibly Rankin Bass).  The second of the new movies will be called The Emperor's New Clones and will tell the story of how Anakin Skywalker's failure to sell his crime novel caused him to become a Dark Lord of the Sith-Pack, and also how his nicotine habit Forced him to wear that portable iron lung thingee.  The third of the new movies is tentatively titled Planet of the Valley of the Creatures from the Temple of the Lost World of Monster Islands in the Stream of Consciousness, and will suck because of the live Beanie Babies, plus the fact that by the time it comes out we'll all be confined to Rest Homes and won't be able to go see it.

Sometime in the year 2525, the first installment of the third and final trilogy of the Star Wars nonology will be released, but not before the first and second trilogies are revamped to take advantage of new technologies like Dolby SurroundScent. Everyone will finally get to know what a wet Wookie smells like! And the controversy over whether use of the Force causes flatulence will be settled once and for all (you DO remember the expression on Luke's face whenever he used the Force? AND the filter mask thingee in Darth Vader's helmet?). The movies in this trilogy will be titled Force 9 from Outer Space, The Empire Got Game, and Yoda Man. Shortly after the final movie is released, George Lucas (speaking telepathically from his cryogenic container) will reveal that the first nonology was actually the middle part of a trilogy of nonologies, and that work will begin on the prequel nonology sometime in June of 5545. Rumor has it that the first movie of the first trilogy of the first nonology will be about prehistoric single-celled entities who learn to use the Force to clone themselves and subsequently start a terrible war because each clone thinks it is the best looking. The last movie of the last trilogy of the last nonology will be about the Heat Death of the Universe and its effect on hemlines.

I don't know about you, but I can hardly wait!