The Dastardly Alien Plot Exposed!
Can the Alien menace be thwarted?
Artist's conception of the saucer pilot
I. Their hideous stranglehold of the media and politics!
Roswell was just a smokescreen; the aliens intentionally crashed one of their lesser craft, to sow confusion and paranoia in the USA. Diabolically, they mangaged to lure our military into doing the aliens' dirty work of coverup, and as well as duping them into a false sense of complacency about the alien capabilities. Come on! An alien craft travels across the universe, and then it just "happens" to crash in the desert! That kind of thing is no accident. The "gray-type" alien bodies found in the crash actually were fake constructions that were never alive... the aliens wish to make us think the they are bizarre looking and unbelievable, when, in fact, they look like humans, and can pass on earth without detection- see the picture of the pilot above. Using their perfectly ordinary appearances, these power-grubbing beings have been slowly infiltrating our planet, assassinating leaders in politics and the media, and taking their place to pursue their own diabolical agenda- WORLD CONQUEST! In fact, it has been estimated that 33% of all newspapers, 15% of all radio stations and 99.5% of all pay-per-view movie companies and are controlled by these aliens. They steadily churn out either propaganda "cutifying" and emasculating the alien threat, or dismissing it altogether...and this double-pronged attack has proved devastating. As you probably have long suspected, the movie "E.T." was a clever work of alien propaganda, perpetrated by an alien altered to take the place of Stephen Spielberg. Here is a small list of figures and personalities replaced by alien duplicates:
Strom Thurmond (since the early '50s)
Bryant Gumbal
Dr. Diener (little-known educator)
Martha Stewart (sent to create feelings of inferiority in human women)
Walt Disney
Alan Greenspan
Ted Turner
Doris Day (Isn't it obvious?)
Every postmaster general since 1923 (Explains a lot, doesn't it?)
Al Gore
Dr. Nefarious
Every single dad-gum person that ever had anything to do with the UN
Socks
Sam Walton
The lead singers of every major music group
Col. Harland Sanders (guess what the 11th spice in KFC is...)
The entire nation of France (the last frenchman was replaced in 1951)
Ted Kennedy
Oprah (you can clearly distinguish when she was replaced- just before she started her so-called "Book Club")
And many others, being ferreted out daily...
As you can tell the danger facing earth is acute- and now, every time you pick up a magazine, read a book, turn on the TV or go to the movies- I want you to ask yourself "Is this person real or are they actually a vile, meglomanical alien duplicate?"
II. Their brazen scouting of earth!
As you probably have guessed, the aliens, using their contacts in the US postal service, know the location of almost everyone in this country- but did you suspect the "US" Census takers as well?!? It makes perfect sense- when the openhanded invasion begins, now the aliens will know exactly how many bathrooms you have in your home! I shudder to think how they will use this information. Hourly, the mysterious saucer-shaped craft speed across our planet, meeting contacts, abducting citizens, mutilating cattle and scouting possible landing sites. It was one such craft that was captured on film by our own intrepid Photographer X as proof undeniable of these aliens sinister activity! Quick! Run to your window and look out at the sky. Do you see a silvery saucer shape hovering in mid air? No? Then you are seeing exactly what they want you to see!
III. Their ruthless abduction of citizens!
Have you ever awoken to the feeling of a sinister presence in your room? Have you ever found strange markings on your body? Have you been mysteriously implanted with a metal object? Have your ever experienced the phenomenon known as "missing time"? No? You will, if the aliens have anything to do with it! Yes, daily, at least 5% of people are abducted, for periods ranging from 30 seconds to 28 years. Who knows what hideous plots these vile aliens are concocting with their nefarious experiments? Are they cooking up some loathsome bio-weapon? Or are they merely determining, as many have claimed, if we "taste like chicken"?
IV. Their felonious and mischievous chopping up of our cattle!
Can you even count the number of times you have gone down to the pasture only to find that "dad burn it!" them dang aliens have zapped Ole Bossy and lasered her eyes, tongue, udder and ears right off? Well you are not alone! It has been estimated that the increasing price of beef is due soley to increased losses to the aliens! Read this statement once, and read it again! The reason is obvious- to decrease American consumption of beef! If fact, it has been scientifically proven that the marketing "experts" who got fast food restaurants to offer food items commonly called "salads" were none other than aliens in disguise! And what is the ultimate goal?!?! To have a population so weak and under-nourished from eating tofu and rabbit food, that we will be unable to resist the coming alien onslaught! Ever since the fist caveman clubbed a cow to death and ate great dripping slabs of under-cooked beef, science has know that beef makes you strong and virile! Go out and eat some today, and thwart the alien menace! Beef. It's what's for dinner. (This information has been brought to you by the American Cattleman's Association.)
V. The disturbing increase in "educational" software!
Have you ever been shocked and horrified to find such titles as "Math Invaders" and "Interactive Barney" available at your local software store, and marketed to the youngest, most vulnerable of users? If so, you are one of many to be disturbed at this growing trend of software companies offering titles that do nothing to promote healthy xenophobia, and hand-eye coordination, ie Half-Life, Jedi Knight and X-Com? How will our youth of today be able to defend us against the alien menace if they are coddled, and not forced to develop the hatred of aliens? Who will man the space-fighters and laser-turrets our scientists are preparing if not them and their computer game honed reflexes? Obviously, the aliens are behind the "sweetening" of our computer entertainment, with the goal of a docile, passive, multi-culture-embracing society, that has trouble learning how to double-click a mouse, let alone aim an ion cannon.
VI. Their pervasive harassment of witnesses!
Indeed, our own Photographer X has reported that he is daily spied upon by aliens pretending to be joggers, construction workers, and civil servants! In fact every single day except Sunday an alien duplicate playing the part of a post-man (ha!) visits his house! Photographer X reports he is forced to spend much of his time in hiding to be free of the prying eyes of the aliens that surround him. He must grab a suitcase and run every time he learns that the "electric company's meter man" is about to visit his house. Photographer X also reports that, affixed to the ceiling in every one of his apartments, he has discovered a strange circular plastic object that periodically emits a sinister "beep", ideally situated to read his every thought using the alien "Proteus" mind-wave module! Now, Photographer X is forced to wear a deerstalker cap lined with aluminum foil to make sure his private thoughts cannot be picked up by these so-called "smoke detectors."
VII. Their eventual invasion of earth!
The details of the coming invasion are still sketchy- we only know they involve certain "metric highway markers" on our nation's roads and (federally funded) construction of a certain "Ralph P. Higgenbotten Boat Dock and Landing" in Arkansas, as provided for in the 1997 federal budget, and voted for by (I think we saw this one coming) Strom Thurmond! Nonetheless- it is every American's duty to be ready on that fateful day when hundreds of silvery cigar-shaped troop-ships descend from the skies to snatch our precious freedom away! Who will stand with us? If not you, then who?
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