(Compiled From various email sources,
but finetuned and named)

God then replies sadly, "I didn't recognize you."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog. The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog." The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dog's butt--I'm just trying to find out which end is which first."

Two rednecks, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15. The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15..... I almost got caught!!!!"

A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied "I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod(grass)".

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(back to newscast) He jumps.
Blonde: OK Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller behind you Jesus."

A talking duck waddles into a stop 'n' rob and asks the salesclerk, "Got any duck food?" "No," answered the guy. The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any duck food?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--my store don't sell duck food!" The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any duck food?" In a real temper now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any damn duck food! You come back in here again, I'm a gonna nail your little wet feet to the floor!" Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?" The guy says "NO!" The duck replies, "A-huhh... Good! Got any duck food?"

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were on Ninth Avenue in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly-dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work, dear." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth, fer crying out loud! They're hookers!" An angry silence settled on the speeding cab, broken by the daughter asking, "Mummie, do the, er, hookers have any children?" The mother calmly replied, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an electron." The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom replies, "I'm positive."

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a 10 pound note. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out into the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and beats his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, chasing and yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be all over TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

On a dark and stormy evening, a man was walking a lonely road looking for a place to stay for the night. Making his way up a steep and slippery old sideroad, he found himself at the door of a deranged and ancient looking Inn. He entered, throwing off his soaking raincoat and laying it on his briefcase. Upon asking the guy at the front desk if there was any vacancy, he was told "Hmmm...., we do have one free room, but it's haunted." The man silently told himself that there were no such thing as ghosts, and took the room. He got semi-settled in and fell quickly asleep in his clothes. Around the hour of 3:30 or so, the man awoke to an eery wailing, and sat up to see the ghastly shape of a zombie-like phantom hovering near the end of his bed. "I am the ghost of the two red eyes...." It wailed, as if it were starting a demonic poem of some sort. "Aaaaahh!!!!!" Screaming, the man leaped from his bed, out into the hall, and ran from the hotel, so fear-struck he had left behind his wallet, briefcase, and gold necklace his mommy gave him. The next afternoon, another weary traveler found his way to the Inn, again finding the place full except for a one haunted room. "Hey, Ghosts don't bother me!" he laughed good-naturedly. Like before, he too was awoken in the wee-wee hours by the horrific chanting of the angry spirit with glowing red eyes, and made his way to the lobby screaming, later winding up in a mental hospital. This episode supposedly repeated itself for more than a week, until a new sort of character stood at the foot of the front desk. He was a huge hulk of a man, soaked and dripping with rain, holding a duffel bag with a boxing-gloves insignia. After explaining to the desk-guy that he had just gotten off his bus after competing in the tri-state boxing finals, he too was told about the situation with the haunted room. "AUgh, I Ain't afraid o' no ghosts. " He yawned "Besides, I'm so beat-- I doubt a thing like that could wake me before tomorrow afternoon!" Later that night, the ghost again began it's wailing. Jumping into a sitting position, the man came half awake, cussing at the top of his lungs. "I AM THE GHOST OF THE TWO RED EYES...!!!!!" The spirit howled. The man ripped his arm out from under the sheets and shook his fist in the air. "IF YOU don't shut the hell up and let me get back to sleep, YOU're gonna be the ghos' of da two BLACK eyes!"

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[Main Page | Intromap | Geocities]