~*jEsSiCa*~



yes, once again jessica has decided to give her biography a facelift. most of the stuff is the same...but there's another dimension to my life that i feel hasn't been given sufficient attention in the previous editions of this little story. curious? want me to give it away? sorry sistas (and brothas)...you're gonna have to read it fo' yo'self...

i've gone through a few different phases in my life...starting out as a rather precocious and tomboyish little kid. i loved sports and workin on the farm and playing with construx, just bein one of the guys. i didn't wanna play with barbies, i wanted to make up some elaborate g.i. joe attack scenario and play it out for hours on end with my brother and neighbors. i thought nothing of it. always wore "boys' clothes", had a short haircut, was often called my father's son. but that's what i wanted at the time. and ya know what?? there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. but i was a softy, and my brother had an uncanny knack for cruelty so i started doubting who i really was and my worth as a person. and so begins the identity crisis.

i've always been me inside...intelligent, quick-witted, caring, sensitive, etc. but because of the whole gender insecurity thing i felt it necessary to hide most of these attributes and replace them with something visible...to make myself acceptable. not to other people, though that's what i thought, but to me. i first latched on to athletics...something i was very talented at and loved with a passion. an old friend recently wrote me after i told her i wasn't playing basketball anymore and said "i can't imagine jess andrews without basketball." that's the way i had wanted it. in reality i was very well liked by my peers, as well as most adults, but for some reason felt inferior and had to prove myself. needless to say i was a rather disturbed little girl. once i reached high school and tired of the athletic identity i realized that it was time to cling to academics. of course people would like me if i would let them cheat off me or help them with that trig problem or lit paper. i fed off of them just as they fed off of me. i took every accelerated possible and literally became a recluse...spending hours on end for tests that i knew would be a snap...staying up until 3 in the morning to get that report typed. whatever it took i would get straight a's.

during the early years of my life i had been fighting (and losing) a very nasty spiritual battle with God. i claimed that He didn't exist, and yet i was hurt and angry that He hadn't protected me from the self-doubt, ridicule, and depression that i had experienced. i pushed Him so far away that i thought He could never reach me, because i was convinced that i could fill the holes in my heart with all of these other "things" that would make me complete. i felt so empty inside that i didn't understand how someone could possibly love me unconditionally, let alone send His only son to die on the cross in order to save me. it didn't make sense to me, and i was scared to have it make sense because i was so used to trying to earn my "goodness" in the world's eyes. i wanted to fill that hole in my soul so badly...so i turned my life into the search for approval from the world.

then came the summer of 1997. i was now getting frustrated with the way people acted towards me, even though that's exactly how i encouraged them to act. i wanted them to like me for my intelligence, but when they did i was so angry that that was all they thought i was good for. which of course nobody thought that, but by this time my perceptions of myself and my reality were so distorted that i hardly knew left from right. i figured out what was wrong. if only i had a boyfriend, then the rest of the world wouldn't matter. boyfriends solve everything, so why couldn't have one like everyone else?? i was determined that i needed to be prettier. because no one would even have a chance to see what was on the inside if they were completely repulsed by the outward appearance. now in all honesty i wasn't good looking. i knew that, as did the majority of my peers. but that wasn't why i never had dates and guys weren't calling me or asking me to do things. it was because i was so absorbed in my studying and self pity that i hadn't made myself emotionally available to anyone. but this again is a realization i made after the fact. timing is everything.

now throughout all this and for quite a few years i had become severely depressed. suicide was always a lingering thought...sort of a comfort. a way out if i just decided i couldn't take it anymore. of course on the outside i was still the class clown...still desperately searching for approval in an environment that had already accepted me. but then sometime at the beginning of the summer...who knows exactly when...i found the ultimate way to win guys and acceptance and self-esteem all at the same time. I WOULD BE SKINNY!!! how had it taked me so long to figure this one out?? i would become more shy and passive like the "real girls" and squeeze myself into the body of a model. and man was i good at it. i started the summer at 145 and by august i was down to 120!! i was feeling so much better about myself, or so i thought...

then school came. junior year is a real bear, too. accelerated this...advanced that...i went for the whole shabang. after all i finally had my life under control, what couldn't i handle?? i despised school and work, but i made myself do it. i wanted that candy bar so badly, but i wouldn't let myself have it. what willpower, huh?? but the funny thing was it was suddenly much more of a struggle to get the a's that had always come so easily. i couldn't remember anything after i read it, and i could barely make it up the stairs without becoming lightheaded let alone pay attention in class for 45 minutes. my eyes would start to do strange things if i looked at one thing for too long. of course at the time i didn't think anything was wrong with me. i got so angry when i came back to school that fall because all everyone said was 'my gosh you've lost so much weight' or...'have you been sick??' for a while i took it as a compliment, but then i got tired of it. shut up already, i've been depressed for years and now you're concerned because i look good?? screw you.

little did i know that i didn't look good. i had now dropped to 100 pounds and i looked sick. i was dehydrated and always tired and weak, and the funny thing was i didn't even feel that great about myself. i mean i loved my body...each bone that stuck out was like a trophy to me...the closer to a skeleton the better. but people just wouldn't leave me alone. i believed there was this big conspiracy to make me fat, because it seemed like all i ever heard was 'is that all you're eating??' or 'hey don't you want some of this?? c'mon have a cupcake.' i was so disgusted and angry. everyone always thought there was something wrong with me. where had they been when i was overweight and depressed?? well they had been behind the big brick wall that i had built around myself. right where i put them.

then i got busted. called down to see the school counselor because 'people are concerned'. what people?? and why hadn't they just told me instead of running behind my back?? they didn't really care, they just wanted to make themselves feel better. the whole world was against me!! i of course lied through my teeth, partly because i didn't want to let him win and think he was right, and partly because i honestly didn't think i was sick. but obviously i didn't do a very good job because he didn't believe me, called my parents, and i was carted up to the pavilion for a "doctors' appointment". i didn't know what this place was...until we pulled up and the sign said 'behavioral health system'. oh geez, here we go. then off we went to the psychiatric ward. as i sat in that waiting room i went into a state of total shock. all these people are here because they're messed up. they're probably looking at me trying to figure out what i'm here for. of course they wouldn't imagine an eating disorder...after all i'm not even skinny enough...yet...

i lied my way through the first appointment...angry at my parents for bringing me there, but convinced that i could get past this doctor no problem. i'd show them once and for all that i was fine and everyone would leave me alone. this shows just how much my mental state had deteriorated, because i went home thinking i was home free, and that thursday night at about 1am my parents informed me that they thought it would be best for me to stay at this hospital...just over the weekend. i furiously packed a suitcase and spent the rest of the night in my room. what nerve! i was being admitted in eight hours...

treatment. wow. i was staying in a psychiatric hospital. the unit was locked, and every time it opened it made a buzzing sound like all the prisons do in the movies. i stayed in my room, buried in paperwork. i hated my parents. how dare they lock me up in this place?? but then i started to read. i carefully examined all the little pamphlets on anorexia and all these little stories about jane and susan...and realized that they were me. how did these people know how i think?? maybe there was something wrong with me. but now i had a very important decision to make. did i actually want to get better?

the answer was no. i was still so caught up in pleasing others so they wouldn't reject me that i ate everything on my plate like a good little girl. i filled out my papers and was respectful and well behaved. and of course the admitting doctor had been confused, because i heard over and over again how most people stay from 7 to 14 days, but edo's take much longer. (edo=eating disorder...everything has initials) i was overly emotional hearing other people talk about feelings that i had experienced my whole life but never heard out loud. i cried and cried. no words came...just tears. but i still didn't really want to get better. i wanted to do it for my parents, but not for me. i wasn't thin enough yet. and so i was torn. at times i thought i wanted to go home, but i had actually grown quite fond of this place. all these people were so nice, and they cared, and they listened. and the other patients were real. not just someone nodding like they understood, but actually honestly understanding. there is nothing more amazing.

and this was how i spend six weeks of my life. admitted on october 10, 1997. a day i couldn't forget if my life depended on it. during those six weeks a made some pretty astounding discoveries. i got real with myself and the people around me. i trusted them enough to see who i was without hiding behind the grades or the sports or the thinness. cause ya know what?? my eating disorder was merely a manifestation of the pain and depression that had been eating away at me for most of my life. longing for acceptance after years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse by my own brother--of all people. but don't feel sorry for me. whatever you do don't cry for me or pity me. because it was at this weakest and sickest point in my life that the Almighty God reached His hand out to me and pulled me out of my despair. He had tried everything else possible to make me realize how much i needed him, but i wouldn't listen to Him. so he waited until i dug myself a hole so deep that i couldn't get out on my own strength...and then He brought someone into my life at just the right moment and used her to share the Gospel with me and invite me into His house. slowly but surely, i began to grasp the incredible grace and forgiveness of the Living God...and i stopped trying to earn my way into wholeness. i could be made complete by surrendering my life to the mercy of the Lord and there was no longer a need for the "success" that i had built my life around for as long as i could remember. God hadn't abandoned me during my times of suffering...He had been reaching out to me every time i had failed in my attempts to win the approval of the world. but i had been too stubborn to listen. and He knew exactly when to step into my life...He didn't test me beyond what i could handle. i never cease to be amazed by the way that the one and only God of the universe knows me (and you, and everyone on this earth) so personally that He could show Himself to me at exactly the right moment - when He knew that i would be able to see and understand His will and His plan for my life. Job 5:18-19 says that "For though he wounds, he also bandages. He strikes, but his hands also heal. He will rescue you again and again so that no evil can touch you". the Lord my God rescued me from myself and from the hundreds of traps that i had set for my life. i denied that He existed and yet He still persued my life and continued to call me to Him. There are so many counterfeits in this world that the devil uses to lure us away from God...and i have fallen for most of them at some point in my life. but none of them were able to fill the holes in my heart. it was not until i surrendered my life to the mercy of the Lord that i knew what it was to feel true peace and contentment. i still struggle, and i still sin...because no human being is capable of true perfection...but now i have a constant source of strength and renewal - Jesus Christ. i seek refuge in prayer and scripture when i'm down, and He always hears me. in John 16:32b-33 the words of Christ remind me, "Yet i am not alone because the Father is with me. I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because i have overcome the world."

i don't regret a single event in my life, because everything i've been through has been part of God's plan to draw me to Him and enable me to relate with others and share with them the comfort that i have found in Him. those six weeks were hard, and every day has been its own kind of struggle since october tenth. am i better now?? no. i am the same exact person. i just stopped hiding. i learned to love myself enough to stop closing myself off and start really letting myself be loved. i have shared my life with so many other people, and i have affected their lives. now that is power. knowing that by sharing your pain and you laughter...your successes and disappointments...your smiles and your tears, you can make a difference in the life of another human being. and you know what?? i'm not such a terrible person after all. i'm strong, courageous, honest, trustworthy, kind--beautiful inside and out. does that make me conceited?? no. it makes me me. a person i'm proud of being. i still struggle with my self-image from time to time, i'm still gonna have times when i'm depressed or sad or angry, i'm not "cured" or "fixed". but i am a child of God, and i have been made perfect in His sight. not because i do everything right or never make mistakes, but because i do make mistakes. i do have imperfections and weaknesses. but our God is gracious and loving and forgives every last sin we commit - as long as we let Him reign in our lives.

so for those of you who know God...i encourage you to continue to seek Him daily and never forget to turn your eyes to Him when times are hard. and for those of you who don't know Him...i challenge you to examine your heart and ask yourself what is preventing you from tearing down the walls that you have built between yourself and your Creator. He knows and loves you more deeply than you could possibly fathom...and all he wants is for you to accept the gift of His son. He wants to spend eternity with you...he has sent you a personal invitation to His house. is it an easy decision to make? of course not. does it mean that you won't hurt or struggle anymore? not at all. but it does mean that you will have a constant friend and encourager here on earth, and that you will spend forever in the most beautiful and perfect place imaginable. trust me, it's worth it.

well for those of you who actually read this far, i congratulate and thank you. and just to show you how much i really appreciate it, i'll stop now. and if you do want to know more...well just ask me and i'll tell you just about anything i can...and i'll do my best to help you figure out whatever i can't answer. for a further glimpse into how my mind works, check out some of my journal entries . and for a further glimpse into how His mind works, check out the Holy Bible...=)






^bAcK hOmE^



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