I don't want to build character. I want it pre-fabricated.



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Copyright © 2001 Roy M. Jacobsen

 
PBS is going to be broadcasting a special on the infamous Scopes "Monkey Trial" this Sunday. But it appears that, like their series on evolution, what they're leaving out is as significant as, or even more significant than what they're leaving in. See Benjamin Wiker's article on PBS's Monkey Trial on NRO Weekend.
posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 2:19 PM

 
I've commented before about the idiots who clog our inboxes with spam. I just got another one that's a gem of tortured prose. First off, the subject line really grabs you:

Wanna Cop A Buzzzzzz? 7275

I just love that. Sounds like a reject from a Grateful Dead concert. But can someone explain to me why these doofuses can't spell? And what's with the numbers at the end of the Subject line? 9 out of 10 spammers have that; is it some function of the spam software they're using?

Then we get into the body of the message. Right off, it veers far into some arcane dialect of Obfuscation:

Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product..is indeed the consummate evolution..of personal choice; botanical, responsive/sensitive pipe-smoking substance commodities.

I haven't done a trademark search, but I find it hard to believe that someone actually went to the effort to secure a trademark for "Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii." What cretin dreamt that one up? Why, the same cretin who calls this crap "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product." Well, I never buy my "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product" over the internet. I always go to the corner "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product" store when I'm out of "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product." It's so much fresher that way. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's stale "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product."

But wait, this is no ordinary "Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product:" this stuff "is indeed the consummate evolution..of personal choice; botanical, responsive/sensitive pipe-smoking substance commodities." Nevermind the creative punctuation. (Two consecutuve periods in the middle of phrases?) Nevermind the nonsensical clauses. That last phrase is a crecendo of gobbledegook. Long words scare some people; they apparently give this guy a head rush, even if he has no idea what he's saying. (Nobody else does either.) Later in the message, he says this . . . whatever it is . . . is "based upon years of ethnobotanical research & development and centuries of botanical innuendo." Oh, yeah, I want something that's based on years of botanical innuendo.

He also calls it a "unique botanical/herba extraordinariness." And it goes on and on.

I have three words for these guys: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 8:51 PM