Channel nine's pissing me off at the moment, is it just me or does
anyone else hate the cricket as much as I do? Because I'm sorry, but when I turn on the TV and it's just like 12
blokes in white clothes, standing in a field..like all day and Tony Greg says "Well it just doesn't get much more
exciting that this." I beg to differ, I'm sorry, I just do..Max Walker was hosting the AFL last year and somebody said to him, "Grand final Max, what
d'ya reckon?" "Well I tell ya what, Grand final, it's a pretty big day for football." Well thanks for that Max. Cheque's in the mail. Very nicely done.
MICK AND TONY:
Tony: What was wrong with the old version? "Queensland: beautiful one day, a hot bed
of corruption unrivalled anywhere in the Western Hemisphere the next"?..The (1992) US elections...glad they're over, Mick?
Mick: Yes!
Now Clinton might throw away that saxophone! I hate that saxophone! Saxophone gives me the shits!
Tony: Shakespeare plays..they've turned them into 30 minute cartoons for TV.
Mick: I had a look at Romeo and Juliet. FANtastic. They just had ROmeo at the
bottom of the balcony and just going, "Wiiillllmaaa!"
Tony: I like where they've dropped the long speeches with Iago from Othello and now he's just standing up the back going
Geheeheeeheeheeheeeh!. That works MUCH better.
Tony: We've got 25 of these..and we're going to do every single one of them...
Mick: I think we've given them their Shakespearian treat for the evening.
Tony: So I can't do the one where King Lear goes, "Hah ha ha HA ha! Hah ha ha HA ha!" [like Woody Woodpecker]...The royal couple..now what's your advice, Mick?
Mick: Princess Di- she's just gotta turn that frown upside-down.
GRAHAM AND THE COLONEL RIP OFFS
Colonel: I was rappin' to the Lady Colonel the other day.
Graham: You're ALways rappin with the Lady Colonel..the bitch is fly!
Together: Word!
NEIL DIAMOND BY TONY MARTIN:
Earlier
this year I actually spent $48 going to see...Neil Diamond. Now, I know what you're thinking..now there's a sensible investment in these recessionary times. What was I thinking? Just put me in the stocks and let fly with the rotten vegetables. I'll tell you how it happened. I was at a party-we were all a bit pissed, and before you know it,
I'd agreed to see ND for 48 bucks. This friend kept coming up to me, normally sensible bloke. "Nah mate! He'll do Crunchy Granola, good song! Da na na na na na na na." My first impression was, Guards, seize him! but it's amazing how afer
two hours of just guys coming up to you and going, "Da na na na..." You start to think, "Yeah! Neil Diamond! 48 bucks! GOOD THINKING!" So I went along and what they didn't tell me was that he does
about 55 songs off his shithouse new album Lovescape first before he gets to Crunchy Granola. But he doesn't do-remember the bit "Good Lord"? THAT's what I paid 48 bucks to hear
REALLY. But he doesn't say "Good Lord!" anymore. He just says, "Raaargh", and for 48 bucks I don't want "Rrraagh!" I want "Good Lord!". Crunchy Granola is also the song where he sings,
"I know a man, he's outta touch" and I was thinking, "Well you can talk Neil, you're wearing flared slacks!"
Santo: Such a senseless waste of an innocent Christmas tree.
LATE SHOW NEWS
Rob as Desmond Tutu: We need to love each other. What we NEED is to loove. What The Late Show does is loove.
Tom: Can you keep your answers in the same octave?
Rob: Certainly
Tom: What will you be doing when this is all over?
Rob:Films People say I look like Danny Glover. I'll say to Mel Gibson, "I'm too old for this shit. I'mtoooldforthisshit."
INFORMER
Tony as rapper:
Inform me if you think you can comprehend a word I'm saying
Leaky boom boom now
Correct me if I'm remotely saying something that sounds like
Leaky boom boom now
Please tell me if any body out there listening can tell me what I mean by
Leaky boom boom now
Excuse me, although I'd like to stick around I have to take a
Leaky boom boom now
Santo in Sale of the Century rip off, but for racists: I think I'll go with the home racist
Mud:
Frontbottom: Look at our conversations. They're so simplistic.
Olden: No they're not.
Frontbottom: Yes they are.
Olden: No..they're..not
Front: The are they are too.
Olden: They're not...they're not
Front: They are, they are, they ARE..they are..they are..they ARE..they are, they are, they ARE they are, they ARE.
GRAHAM AND THE COLONEL, with Phillip Brady
Rob: I mean, any woman would fall for him! (Prince Charles) You jump in and save us any time, Phil.
Phil:
I was only going to add that I'm mad at Princess Anne because she never invites me to her weddings.
Rob: It's alright. I can see why you don't jump in.
COUNTDOWN CLASSICS
Tom: I'll be Molly and you be Petra the make-up lady. [reading from scripts in monotonous voices] Now we were very lucky. Petra thank you very much.
Jane: You're welcome Ian
Tom: I'm welcome Ian. I tell you what, I'm very welcome Ian cos that's the one that makes it all together [Tom and Jane look at each other, puzzled]