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Shortly after graduating, Erin married her highschool sweetheart
and settled down to domestic life. Brock and I opted to go to college
at the
University of South Florida where I received a Masters in English Literature
and Brock continued until he got his medical degree.
It was soon after I had published my first novel that Erin came
to me in tears. She had had a brief affair with
Bill Clinton and though she regretted it, her marriage was over. Happily, she
is now remarried to Fitzpatrick, a butcher whose specialty is Polish
sausage.
Needless to say, Erin is now a
Republican (as everyone knows, Republicans learn from their
mistakes) and is currently running for City Commissioner in her home
town. Brock is her Treasurer and I was offered the job of Campaign
Manager but had to turn it down due to the prior agreement I've made
to tour for 6 months with James Taylor
as a back-up singer.
Those awkward moments often led to even more
awkward ones, as the perpetrator of the gaffe was sometimes selected to
be the human sacrifice to the demon god Kirrof. However, we were always
careful not to censure the Zwitseru people, as we realized that there
is no right or wrong in this world, but merely alternative lifestyles.
One of my first assignments was the Joke-A-Day. This was used
only when a 'customer' (we loved that term and laughed ourselves sick
over it on an almost daily basis) got truly irate. Then they'd lighten
the tension with these witticisms. I'm sure
you can see why the program was discontinued upon my recommendation.
At this time Brock had become a full-fledged doctor and was making
a good amount of money but had this unfortunate habit of forgetting to
pay Uncle Sam what he owed. When he went under investigation, I quit amid
a storm of controversy. He was convicted and spent some time as a
roadie for
Willie Nelson in order to pay off the bills.
Being as Madonna
is pregnant with child, we felt as if this was a subject in need of attention.
And apparently the press agrees with us. So here are some helpful tips
from Erin, who has been through this three times (Ophelia and Sedgewick
are twins).
You say you want the fully natural sensations of
childbirth, and we applaud you for that. Be sure to tell everyone that
no matter how loud you scream or how much you beg for pain relief that
you are not to have it, and sign a waiver saying so. Anyway, labor
pains are no worse than a mild case of the flu.
If possible, ask them to induce labor with
pitocin. That increases the wonderful, natural sensations.
Make sure to name the child an interesting and
unusual name like Moon Unit so that she/he can stand out in a crowd.
Perhaps you'd like some suggestions.
We suggest a nanny
as you are much too important to worry about doing hands-on child-care.
Anyway, as we all know, QUALITY time is better than QUANTITY.
Make an effort to instill in your child the same
ethics and morals
that you have.
