SACRAMENTO. [True Item] Unabomber defendant Theodore Kaczynski was examined this week by conservative government psychiatrist Sally Johnson to determine if he is competent to stand trial and present his own defense. Johnson has previously found such high-profile defendants as John Hinckley and Jim Bakker competent to stand trial. Johnson spent 19 hours last week with Kaczynski, who earlier this month attempted suicide by trying to hang himself with his own underwear.

BAGHDAD. Iraq has several times accused United Nations weapons inspector Scott Ritter of being a spy. An Iraqi newspaper said that Ritter "publicly serves the American intelligence." The White House immediately denied the existence of any "so-called American intelligence" and promised to turn over any evidence of such if it ever "appeared mysteriously in the First Family's private quarters." Ritter, who spent his first three years in the Marines in intelligence officer classes, straightforwardly denied any experience with spycraft, saying "The night was dark, and the moose wandered far from its home." Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein marked the seventh anniversary of the beginning of his devastating Gulf War thrashing with a party for 500 at the presidential palace. Other defeated world leaders Fidel Castro and Pol Pot were on hand to enjoy condor-egg omelettes and the Dom Perignon whirlpool.

PERTH. In sports news, Chinese breaststroker Yuan Yuan and her coach Zhou Zhenwen were sent home from swimming's world championships after 13 vials of human growth hormone were found in the swimmer's bag. Zhou claimed he had put them there because [this is true] he thought they were medicine for a friend living in Australia. Chinese officials, acting swiftly to counteract rumors of drug use by the 6'9", 245-pound Yuan or any other Chinese swimmer, agreed to an investigation by an impartial third party. The jury from the trial of Oklahoma City bombing defendant Terry Nichols was convened, and it quickly announced that Yuan would be forbidden to "look too smug" on the gold medal podium at the Sydney Olympics. In a separate finding, the jury instructed NBA superstar Charles Barkley to throw bar patrons at the wall instead of through the windows, "so as to minimize the danger to passersby."

BONN. The German government passed a measure allowing high-tech eavesdropping devices to be used in private homes to fight organized crime. The measure was strongly supported by Chancellor Helmut Kohl, despite warnings that it would revive Nazi police state tactics. Kohl, discovered in the Czech Republic town of Chomutov with a surveying crew, had no comment, saying only, "I'd just like to enjoy my vacation in this fine Sudetenland town." In Paris, French Defense Minister Alain DuBois echoed his country's support for the new German law. "I and the rest of the French people have the highest regard for extensive government use of futuristic technology," he said Tuesday, noting that Men In Black and The Fifth Element were the top-grossing films in France in 1997. Thursday, Kohl and DuBois each received an anonymous package from the Sacramento, California jail containing a pair of men's underwear.

PARIS. Also in France, jobless activists continued to protest the nation's 12.4% unemployment rate by pushing empty shopping carts through the streets. It was thought there were as many as 5,000 protesters until observers realized that a large proportion of that number consisted of people the socialist government employs to push empty shopping carts through the street.

NEW YORK. According to a New York City ad agency, 5-year-old J. D. Power V, of the automobile-rating J. D. Power family, will give the "J. D. Power V Seal of Approval" to Hot Wheels(R) brand toy cars. Family friend and Chicago physicist Richard Seed said that everyone was pleased that the youngster has inherited the family entrepreneurial spirit. "He's just a chip off the old block," Seed said. In a surprise announcement, Unabomber psychiatrist Sally Johnson determined Seed to be competent to stand trial.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Reports indicate that the Honduran army has revived the infamous death squads that roamed the country in the 1980s. The squads now target common criminals instead of political activists, and they are said to be killing more people than ever before. Conservative talk show hosts and other Republicans praised Honduras' long tradition of being "tough on crime." Also this week, Republicans announced their counter-proposal to President Clinton's child-care plan. "The GOP, in its continuing effort to streamline government, has merged its childcare position with its policy on immigrants and the homeless," said an unidentified staffer. The official party position on the combined group says "We don't know how you got here, but we wish you would shut up and go back to where you came from."

AMARILLO. During a recent interview with vegetarian activist Howard Lyman, Oprah Winfrey publicly swore off hamburgers for good. A group of Texas cattlemen sued Lyman and Winfrey under a new state law forbidding the disparagement of Texas agricultural products. A Texas jury immediately sentenced the defendants to death, saying, "If the cattle weren't meant to be eaten, then why did the Good Lord make them out of meat?" After a quick appeal, Lyman and Winfrey were sent home by the Terry Nichols jury. The jury also relased every other Death Row resident, "as long as they promise to be good." Unabomber psychiatrist Sally Johnson released a statement declaring Texas cattle competent to stand trial.

RICHMOND. "Code Name Project LF" is the source of a 1987 memo labeled "RJR Secret." The document indicates that the company created a wider-circumference non-menthol cigarette called Camel Wides, to be targeted at "young male smokers aged 13 to 24." Also in 1987, the company introduced the Joe Camel cartoon character in the United States. A company spokesperson denied that R.J. Reynolds was going after the youth market with these promotions, saying, "Anyone can see that that '13' should be an '18,' and if running Joe Camel ads on Happy Meal boxes and broadcasting the Super Smokerrific Joe Camel Happy Hour television show Saturdays at 9:00 am is targeting children, then I don't know what is." In other tobacco news, the Texas attorney general announced a settlement with the tobacco industry in the amount of "15 billion dollars, to be used for Texas schoolchildren." An industry spokesperson made only a semantic correction to the announcement, changing the word "dollars" to "packs of smokes" and "for" to "by."

Finally, in New York this week, where the Fox, CBS, ABC, and ESPN television networks bid $17.6 billion dollars for the television rights to the NFL for the next eight years, Unabomber psychiatrist Sally Johnson committed all four network presidents to an undisclosed mental health facility.