One topic that sure would be a humorous topic for a second essay on the events of the last couple weeks is the media. By an extraordinary coincidence, the media are where most of us heard about the events of the last two weeks. The most major event brought to us by the media recently was the story of a certain 24-year-old person who has done some regrettable things. Things that have caused a media spotlight to focus on this person's family and friends, and that most people just plain wish this person hadn't done. I speak, of course, about Michael Gentner of Akron, Ohio, who was killed Thursday when, on a dare, he attempted to swallow a living 5-inch-long aquarium fish. His friends looked up the number for and called 911 when they noticed Gentner was having trouble breathing. Paramedics removed the fish but they could not revive Gentner. A Fire Department spokesperson noted that the paramedics "could still see the tail sticking out of his mouth."

Ha-ha! I am only kidding. Not about Gentner, who actually died, but that the media have spent any time on this. The family and friends will not speak to the media, on account of they have sold their stories to NBC's America's Funniest People and the Fox television network's When Animals Attack. The media have instead been busy reporting the story of Monica Lewinsky at least 24 hours per day. They began by reporting the actual facts, which took 14 seconds (for a highly accurate review, refer to Part A of this issue of NOTW). The rest of the time, they have been covering the media coverage of the Monica Lewinsky story. Except when they have to break to make up dramatic titles and graphics for the story, or to report obvious lies made up by mischievous White House staffers. For example, the media were shocked to discover that, in fact, no Secret Service agent witnessed Hillary Clinton strangle Vince Foster with a necktie given by Lewinsky to the president and then put him in what has been delicately termed a "DNA-stained dress." Foster, I mean. The president had already been in the dress.

The media have been further perplexed by the typical American's reaction to the [begin James Earl Jones voice] "Crisis in the White House by CNN," which has generally been to refinance his mortgage, and then return home to tell telephone pollsters he supports the president and has a hard time caring about the whole situation, although he will continue to watch 24-hour cable news coverage in hopes that naked pictures of Monica Lewinsky turn up. Or at least good fakes put together by mischievous White House staffers. This is what causes the media to see the American people as a paradox, from the words "para," meaning "bunch of," and "dox," meaning "morons." We believe the president has the personal morality of a weasel, but we're happy to keep him there as long as Alan Greenspan tells us inflation is low. Further, Americans consider Linda Tripp to be much less believable than Lewinsky. By believable, they mean attractive. Deep down, Americans think that if Linda Tripp wanted them to be sympathetic to her, she would have been prettier. Or she would have confided in a New York literary agent who didn't look like Lyndon Johnson. Or at least one who didn't sound like Lyndon Johnson.

The story that "Forni-Gate by MSNBC" usurped, of course, was the Pope's visit to Cuba. The Pope's visit was considered a VERY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY, one that all the major networks, plus CBS, needed to cover. It was seen as a rare opportunity to monitor the progress of the United States' 165-year plan to get rid of Fidel Castro. The networks sent all their top correspondents, including Martha Stewart of CBS, who was there to build an entire luxury resort out of sugar cane stalks. When The Washington Post broke "Bimbo Intern from Beverly Hills," everyone covering the Cuba story came back within 26 minutes, because it turns out Americans care far less about Popes in Cuba than they do about the extremely personal areas of the president's body.

The week before the Pope's visit was even less inspiring, journalistically speaking. Ted Kaczynski pleaded guilty after he was found competent to stand trial by Unabomber psychiatrist Sally Johnson, and O.J. Simpson has not yet found who murdered JonBenet Ramsey (although he believes it was someone who "loved her too much"), so we were subjected to previews of the Pope's visit; an actual example of one follows:

"In ways each is loathe to admit, Miami and Havana can be mirror images, locked in a love-hate dance with each other's reflection."

There is, of course, a grammatical error in this sentence, but before a correction could be printed, the reporter and his editor were beaten senseless by a roving band of renegade youths known as the Metaphor Police. (In the sentence, the word "loathe" is wrong. It should instead read "hating life.") In any case, the author is referring to what has happened to Miami's Major League Baseball team, the World Series champion Florida Marlins. After the end of the season, Marlins owner Wayne Huizenga began getting rid of the superstars that won him the title, mostly by putting them on rafts and sending them toward Cuba, thus "mirroring" Havana's long-standing emigration policy. Disgruntled Marlins fans are the prime suspects in the untimely death of Huizenga, who was recently found with the tail of a large fish sticking out of his mouth.