I just got back from traffic school tonight, where I went so my traffic ticket would be dismissed. (Note to Mom: I never done it. It were a stinkin frame up.) The two big white signs with the arrows and the red lines through them meant that I wasn't allowed to turn left at that intersection, it turns out. Get it? *Turns* out? Ha! (Great, now I'm Alf.) Anyway, I'm just lucky I didn't commit a more serious crime, such as making an illegal left turn while being a member of a minority group, for which the penalty can sometimes include being beaten senseless and left to drown in a pool of your own spittle.

You may have heard in the news recently that some people have sued Dick Clark, Ed McMahon, and the company for which they are soulless corporate shills, American Family Publishers. It seems that the plaintiffs received official-looking mail from AFP that caused them to believe they had WON UP TO 11 MILLION DOLLARS!! These people, who have apparently been living on Mars for the last twenty years, then flew to Tampa, Florida, because that's the return address on the notice they got. "Cabbie, quick, get me to P.O. Box 11004!" So when they discovered there was no prize for them, they chose to sue instead of taking the only other option open to people who have committed an act of such horrible personal embarrassment that they wouldn't confess it to their priest, which is to go on the Jerry Springer show.

I admit to having had some sympathy for the AFP people until their perky spokesperson said, with a straight face, that AFP believes the phrasing of its letters is clear and that no one should be confused by them. For example: "YOU, Martin King , HAVE ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY CERTAINLY WON GOBS AND GOBS OF MONEY AND YOU, Martin King , DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO COLLECT IT NOT EVEN SEND BACK THE FORM THAT SAYS OFFICIAL ENTRY FORM IN THE ENCLOSED OFFICIAL ENTRY ENVELOPE BECAUSE WE ARE JUST GOING TO COME TO YOUR, Martin King 'S, HOUSE AND DUMP CASH ONTO THE LAWN FROM A CEMENT TRUCK*!!" where the footnote says, in letters nearly 3 microns tall, and on another sheet of paper, "*unless you don't return the winning number, which you, personally, don't have, of course." So anyway, my point is -- these people who sued? -- that's who's at traffic school.

Traffic School Tip #1: It so happens that, despite numerous occasions where I suggested it, the correct answer is never to "give the other driver a helpful corrective hand gesture."

Traffic school is attended primarily by, well, let's just say it - people who would take notes at traffic school. And here I should be clear. These people were not planning to file the notes away for reference. They were planning to consult them regularly, including during the drive home after class. Whereas I was writing about the Olympics for your pleasure, Constant Reader. Details to follow.

In class, there was participation that any teacher would have been overjoyed to witness, but for the fact that most of it had nothing to do with traffic school. For instance, there were many questions from the woman behind me, such as: she has a daughter? she means, she's associated with a minor child? in another state? and there are these custody issues? that she'd rather not get into? you see? I am pretty sure the traffic-related issue was that to get to the state with the associated minor child, she uses her car. And there was a young man in class who, at the age of 16, spent 3 days in jail because he offered to help the police as a witness to a crime. I'm not actually clear on the traffic-related issue here. But it does bring us to

Traffic School Tip #2: Road Rage is a hot topic these days, and the rule-of-thumb seems to be, when you're out driving around, don't antagonize the crazy people. Experience, by which I mean a deep thigh bruise, suggests this would also be a good rule-of-thumb during traffic school.

We learned tonight that the right lane on the expressway is for people who want to drive more slowly, and the left lane is for people who want to drive the speed limit. This is a good example of the difference between what we might call "book-learning" and what we might call "common sense." I was able to try out this lane usage advice on the drive home tonight, as well as the advice that if someone is tailgating you, you just need to "turn the rear-view mirror to the no-glare setting."

Traffic School Tip #3: Following the rules you learn in traffic school can lead to an immediate and tragic violation of Traffic School Tip #2.

I'll end with words of traffic school wisdom. If you're standing at the train station, and someone parks a van on the nearby crossing between you and the oncoming train, you might be injured by, and this is a direct quote, "an explosion of body parts," so you shouldn't just stand there and watch. Even if the van is the Prize Patrol with Dick Clark and Ed McMahon. (Yes! Ah hah hah.)