Welcome to the first international edition of MWC. The staff survived a trip to mainland Europe and even made a first-ever foray into France. Despite the fact that the staff is approximately seven-eighths German, French authorities did not immediately surrender control of their country to MWC. Which is just as well, because the MWC staff can't even manage to pick up its dirty socks off the floor, much less run a country. Why, before you know it, France would have high unemployment and labor unrest, be disliked by its neighbors, and be extremely rude to just about everyone it encounters.

Most of my time in Europe, if you exclude Heathrow airport, was spent in Geneva, Switzerland, which is very close to France. So close, in fact, that everyone there speaks French. However, some people don't understand English, even if you take the trouble to repeat your words several times in an extremely loud voice, as in "I SAID, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET ME A CHEESEBURGER AROUND HERE?" Such people are known in the travel community as "Ugly Europeans."

If you're going to Geneva, I highly recommend the financing method called "Being sent there by your company." Geneva is quite expensive, although it's not clear why, since it's obvious that no money is spent on air conditioning or refrigeration. The food in Geneva is wonderful, though, as you might expect from a country where the motto is, "All cholesterol, all the time." In addition to visiting the fine restaurants, I suggest you engage in some of the local traditions, such as "hanging out with the sales and marketing people," whose motto is, "I can only assume the exchange rate is lower for Swiss Francs than it is for the Indonesian rupiah, so who wants tequila shots and a Cuban cigar?"

I didn't understand much of the news while I was gone, due to the fact that in Europe, events occur in a foreign language. I did get to see ALF in A) French ("Viens minou, minou, minou. HA!") and 2) German ("Hergekommen, Kätzchen, Kätzchen, Kätzchen. HA!") For those of you who don't get this: ALF was a TV show about an Alien Life Form named Gordon Schumway who often tried to eat his hosts' cat. He was a happy-go-lucky wise guy, which led to humorous exchanges like this:

Willie (phoning home from work, exasperated): "ALF, put Kate on."
ALF (yelling into the kitchen): "Hey Kate, I'm the King of France! HA!"

I also saw Gilligan's Island, and although I didn't know what language it was in, I'm pretty sure it was the episode where they would have escaped if Gilligan hadn't screwed things up.

Back home in the states, or the "Etats-Unis," as we say in Geneva (unless we're actually from the United States, in which we say, "I'm a Merkun. Now get me a cheeseburger, garkon."), a lot of stuff apparently did not happen. CNN/Time and Peter Arnett reported that as part of the Pentagon's "Operation Tailwind" during the Vietnam War, the U.S. sprayed American defectors with nerve gas, forcing the bombed people to grope their way blindly to safety. Note that this is different from the Navy's "Operation Tailhook," in which Americans in a Las Vegas hotel got bombed and blindly groped anything they could get their hands on.

The nerve gas used in Tailwind was known as "yellow rain," according to the story, because it consisted primarily of Chiquita bananas. Chiquita denied the story, despite Arnett's unimpeachable (not Bill Clinton, obviously) sources, which included tapes of the voice mail of Chiquita executives (provided by a Cincinnati Enquirer employee) and the reporting of fired award-winning Boston Globe columnist Patricia Smith. Smith based her information on a direct quote from Pentagon spokesman Person I. Madeup, who said, "Yep, we did it." Arnett, cowering under his hotel bed in Baghdad, defended his actions: "Um, I just read what they stick in front of me."

In another obviously false story, CNN reported that Florida burned up. If you've been to Florida, you know that this is ridiculous. The humidity in Florida is never less than 100% (no Greg, that does not mean it's under water), and it's just one big state of swampland, concrete, and mildew. Mischievous White House staffers, according to the report, set fire to the state after their attempts to destroy it with a tornado in February (see Issue 5) failed. The staffers were attempting to draw attention away from the dramatic legal bombshell that White House Spokesperson Mike McCurry is leaving his position.

Early reports indicated that the fire jumped across water to a Carnival cruise ship where the fire knew it had a prime opportunity for national news footage, but this was not the case. As it turns out, Kathie Lee Gifford opened fire on deck with a flamethrower after learning that former TWA flight attendant Suzen Johnson was on the passenger list. "If my friends could see me now!" Gifford shrieked, according to several crispy bystanders.

More recently, mischievous White House staffers sponsored a brutal attack in the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to draw attention away from the unpleasant story that Monica Lewinsky has the most repulsive dry- cleaning habits imaginable. The attack prompted unprecedented bipartisan unity in Congress. Congresspersons agreed they could not in good conscience pass any more legislation this year, with the possible exception of a measure that quadruples the number of guards in Capitol hallways that lead to Congresspersons' offices. "How can murder happen in the peaceful city of Washington, D.C.?" asked House Majority Leader Dick Armey, as he and Charlton Heston proposed an amendment that would repeal the assault weapons ban. "This bill extends protection to all the city's residents, provided they have been duly elected to the House of Representatives."

Meanwhile, President Clinton proposed an alternative plan. "I aim to ensure the safety of everyone in the vicinity of the Capitol by instituting Operation FEderal Long Term Universal Protection. Under this plan, each visitor to the Capitol will be physically searched before entry is allowed. I will be joined by long-time patriots Woody Allen and Richard Simmons, who will search the children and the men, respctively. To show my support for Operation FELT-UP, I promise to frisk, personally, every visitor not covered by Woody or Richard. Twice, if necessary." The American people immediately registered their disappointment in the President by raising his approval rating to 86.7% and going out for cheeseburgers.