New Poems

( 98, 99, 00, 01, 02, 03, 04)

January

Electric muse 2nd January '05

Lover, not a fighter
Lover, with empty desire
All I want is all I don't get
And all around me wont let me forget
And when desire goes
I feel fake
Half a person
Living a lie

Fixed the fence
But the door don't work
It doesn't take a genius to hurt
But I'm not broken
Or so I say
It's so much easier
Not to hope
Than to take chances And ache
For what you can't have
Yet again.

Never been a risk taker
Maybe now I will start.

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Brave 18th January '05

Confidence
Like a flag
Raised or lowered
Or half way
Shored up by experience
Shattered by old pain
Lesons I will learn
From people
Not the pages I turn
Held back by fear
And need
You can want so long
Desire becomes greed
Greed becomes dream
Dream, an illusion
It never hapens to me
Will old pains fade
Or if suppressed, do they flare
Do you even know you hold them down?
Shock yourself when you see the dam walls
Ignorant but not guilty
I would prefer not to know
I would prefer not to hide
I would prefer not to have anything to hide from
In my mind
But I will conquer
Given time

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February

Wheel 5th February '05

Time turns
Silence burns
Except when you know what it says
Do you ever wonder how or why
These questions come to mind
When you are left alone?

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Missing 5th February '05

Is it odd that
I miss you now
When you are unreachable
When you have been there on the end of a phone
A thousand thousand days
And I have not spoken

Is it odd that
I wish that I could fall in love
But did nothing all the times that I was
Is it odd that I dream lust dream
Fully aware I will not carry them out

Is it odd that I love you like sisters
When we share no blood
O come home and I will cozen you close
In comfort and lost hopes
But while o my dear ones
Fly swift alone

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Hit 14th February '05

I was happily ensconced in my despair
I never had to face up to
What was never there
No chances no risk no choices
Just vague frustrated wishes
And then there was you
Every shape I've ever ached for
Wasted old rhymes to find a name for
So now I can't have you
Not some eternal nothing
I didn't know that I've forgotten
My sweet sucker punch
Hit this girl when she's down
I trust I'll heal
You give me a choice
Can't pretend this empty space
Isn't real

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Drawn 22nd February '05

I feel like I'm losing you
Inch by inch by inch
Every time that you go away
But when you're here
I don't seem to need you anyway
And I think she really helps you
And I think you don't really need me
And I think what am I here for

How can I miss you
How can I feel like you're long gone
Like you're never coming home
Like I'm worthless and left alone
No contest
Not about about how much I love you
Or how much you love me

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March

Remainder 1st March '05

To touch and feel fire
To know your own desire
And his

To see what you want and own it
TO know he wants what you own
When

I have been friend, daughter and desired
And desired both
But not together
Not even for some small fraction of forever, now,

How does it happen?
Is it hunted, tracked as prey
Or is it something that comes to those who wait
If so how long do I have to wait?
Or is it neither and I just cannot see the way?

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Static 9th March '05

Everything I am boils down to this
Do nothing
Just do what you are told
Easy little bubble to know
Limits with no corners
Enfolded but never grow
WIll no one ever look at me and say
There is no part of you
That I feel is strange
And I will tell you how it is
That I am happy
Wiht every word you'll ever say
How we belong together
Amen

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April

Push me pull you 18th April '05

I give
You take
You burn
I break
I want
You notice
Stock still
You take over
Is this all there is
To burn unnoticed
Is this all there is
Filling quotas
Taking orders
Taking time
Given a number.

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No word unspoken 22nd April '05

No word is enough
When it goes unspoken
No secret can be trusted
When you let them out
Do I always straight jacket
The things I most need
Do I always forget that
We all need a time to bleed

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May

Marshmallow crush 14th May '05

You'll never know you made me twitch
I'll never know why you made me shiver
When we never shared a word
And I couldn't look you in the eye
And now those days are over
And I'm sad I won't be there
When you come around again
What a strange thing to be feeling
When we never met
You sat there and I sat here
Me with fake authority
Will I always play my love by teenage rules
Just some marshmallow crush.

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August

Unwitting August 2005

A thousand languages
But you must scream
Reading in bed
Though were he here
What meaning in elaborate apparatus
Is incubated
As he robs you in death
In love with why
Bloody knife shows bitterness

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At War 25th August 2005

My mother is a warrior
Fighting some secret war
Silence is her battleground
Hidden are the scars
But I still see the signs
Her blood on the floor

My mother is a silent warrior
But so too am I, her daughter
This day, my heart the battleground
I struggle with pain and fear
Silence is my companion
My flimsy weapon
My good cheer

Where are my stout companions
Defending on each side?
All around me I see bitterness
Mine and theirs

Who chose this swampy battleground
To be their home and war
Why did they come here?
My own home, though named for one
The air is sweet and clear

But I shall set my face like flint
Restock my armory
Once I let myself be brough low
Gave ground to the enemy
But i was young then
Had not accepted the advice of the seer
Friendship shall be my armour
Passion shall be my spear
And if these be not enough to win them over
I will shake their dust from my feet

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September

Socorro 5th September 2005

I am weak
But I have learnt strength
I bleed
But I will mend

How is it that
Now, when I acknowledge my wounds
I feel guilt
As if they do not exist
And yet having lied for so long
HOw can the truth be a lie
Save perhaps a weaker truth
Perhaps, like my mother
Unwilling to break bad news
Burden others
Flake sympathy
I endure because
Facing the unendurable
I break free
And facing a break
I rebuild me.

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Trap 12th September 2005

Flying without a safety net
Parachute strings cut
I tumble headlong
Like 1,000 others before me
Another statistic
Reported dead at 05:00 hours
She said
But she wasn't even interested in me
She blamed
But never cares for the roots
Give me water
I need to drink
Not force fed
Puppet strings pulled
Just give me water
I will let you be
How can you
Blame me for not knowing
Blame me for not seeing
Blame for not guessing instantly
I trip
And learn that I am a fool
Clowning for no-one's amusement
No matter how small the pratfall
Tell me
Are each of my mistakes
An Everest of molehills?

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Knock Knock 12th September 2005

I thought I'd learnt your lesson
But not all of life
Is a school for my soul
Some is there for others
My pain just to be endured

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Should 12th September 2005

I should speak
It is said
But to whom
To that one who will aggravate
To that one who will turn to anger
To that one whose sympathy, however true,
Blinded by her own trouble
Endlessly repeated
As if I had not heard
The list of her scars
A poor balm poured on mine
No solution offered
Except maybe hydrocloride

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End

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Diary 2005

( 98, 99, 00, 01, 02, 03, 04)

Contents

January

Electric muse 2nd January '05

Brave 18th January '05

February

Wheel 5th February '05

Missing 5th February '05

Hit 14th February '05

Drawn 22nd February '05

March

Remainder 1st March '05

Static 9th March '05

April

Push me pull you 18th April '05

No word unspoken 22nd April '05

May

Marshmallow crush 14th May '05

August

Unwitting August 2005

At War 25th August 2005

September

Socorro 5th September 2005

Trap 12th September 2005

Knock Knock 12th September 2005

Should 12th September 2005

End

All poems © Gabrielle Koenig 2005, copying is only permitted for personal use.