MISSING PERSON PICTURE

Subject: Missing Person Picture, 4/23/92

(The following is an actual e-mail message I wrote after Paul's death to summarize my thoughts at that time.)

I picture a series of paintings. The first painting is "before". The family including the lost loved one is standing by this country road arm in arm looking toward the sunset. Along the road are houses with children happily playing in the yards. There is one house for each child. The scene is bright and cheery.

The second picture is the first picture with a big round black hold blown out of the middle of it. The lost loved one is gone along with portions of all the other little houses. The family is simply black shapes with the loved one gone looking onto the scene. There is no color except for just a little around the fringe of the picture so that you can tell it is the same scene.

The third picture is about two weeks later and is the same as the second except the hole is a little smaller but more jagged and smoke is coming off the edges of the hole. However, around the edges you can see a few people going on with their lives.

The fourth picture is like the third except that the smoke has stopped and the road seems to be going around the hole somehow. Along the right side of the picture, there is a hill sloping down toward the road and on the side of the hill is a single grave looking down on the devastion below with a little cross and the letters, "R.I.P."

Now this is where there are a several blank pictures which are yet to be filled in but at the end of the first sequence, there is a picture somewhat like the first picture, but where the big black hole appeared, there is now a peaceful lake and a road around that lake.

Activity seems to be normal. There is one less house and one less family and the other houses are different from what they were before. The grave on the side of the hill is still there but much less prominent.

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I figure as time goes on, I will be able to fill in the remainder of the pictures leading to the transition to the final scene. I wish I could paint the scenes as I see them in my mind.

As the lady at the Survivors of Suicide meetings said, grief comes in waves. It is like standing in the edge of a stormy sea. At first you get bowled over and over. Then things calm down and you think you are back to normal, then when you least expect it, another wave bowls you over and grinds your face in the sand. This keeps happening but gradually you get to where you expect the waves and you can brace yourself and maybe even dodge a few, but it goes on and on.

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I think it is very common to feel guilty about feeling good or having any fun. I know Sally and I feel that way a lot. I tend to face things a little more head-on while Sally tends to avoid things. Everyone has to deal with it in their own way.

About a month before Paul died, I wanted him to watch the movie, "Steel Magnolias" with me. I wanted him to see the mother's pain at the loss of a child. But I forgot about the scene at the end with the Easter Bunny, the new baby and the expectant mother. After it was over, Paul said, "OK Dad, what was the moral?" I knew what he was thinking but I said, "The moral is that there is no greater pain than what a mother feels for the loss of a child." He said, "Yes, but the real moral is; 'Life goes on.'" And he was right. I know he thought we could just pick up and go on like in the movie and we must of course.

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When I get the energy, I am going to write about Paul. I plan to document Paul's last year of his life for what it may be worth to others. I feel he shared a lot of his thoughts and feelings with us and it may benefit others. At least it will benefit me to write it. I am going to try to get some of the others who were close to him to have input. Then after that, I want to start something in his honor to support research into the problems that troubled him. I may also work with grief counseling because right now, I feel I know a lot more about that than prevention of suicides. Someday after I retire, I do want to try to write some things to get published. I have set a goal to get started by Paul's birthday.

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I get a lot of strength from my daughters. They truly are incredible. We have all sort of dedicated ourselves to try to be strong and help others as a way of honoring Paul. When I look at his photograph on my desk everyday, it reminds me to get to work on these promises I have made to myself.

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(This written in an email to myself five months and twelve days after Paul's death on April 23, 1992.)

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Page created August 9, 1997.
Edited for new Zeke Mason Aug. 30, 2007 at 5:09 PM.
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