There are moments when life seems to suspend itself, when reality appears to stand in awe at the wonder of possibility. At those moments it seems I look through eyes, recognizing not one limitation to vision into tomorrow, eyes having clarity beyond the present, beyond place, beyond conscious knowing. These are the incalculable eons translating into all too brief miracles of seconds when I know truth, when I touch the face of God, when I reach into God's heart and know nothing else exists beyond the reality of that Presence.
It is not possible to question any aspect of the gift, the present moment of living, any more than it is comprehensible to understand what exists beyond the edge of the universe. Some might call the awareness and acceptance of such gift as grace, a lovely theological word as gentle as its sound. However, as much as I appreciate the word and its nuances, it seems almost too gentle for the effect in my soul from those miracle moments. There appears some only yet dimly realized power growing from the innermost recesses of where I am. Is this, perhaps, the dawning of full realization of the woman Shekinah, that creative Spirit also named as God, created?
There is often a temptation to question the purpose of the gifts of Presence, the actuality of events, when wonder at their magnificence and perfection is the only expression possible. As long as I breathe the atmosphere of this planet I probably shall hear the "why?" my soul echoes when I stand inarticulately in the knowledge of Creator Spirit's love. Yet, even when I hear the question, I understand the answer. No mortal alive at any age since time began can explain the generous gifts Shekinah gives at will. "Why not?" is a more likely question. I truly believe one primary factor in whether or not any of us receives the nanosecond's awareness of God's presence is entirely dependent upon our willingness to release control of our lives enough to allow the moment to happen. That we exist at all is testimony to the reality how Creator Spirit, who is love in action, desires our presence in relationship. In his poem about creation James Weldon Johnson pictures God saying "I'm lonely." as God chooses to create someone to share love and all the beauty already created. So God makes humankind.
As any of us who love another passionately readily can attest, we desire nothing more than to spend time with those whom we love. Even the strongest, most capable of us who are happy within ourselves whether alone or with others desires intimate and accepting relationship. We who love wish to give, and there are no barriers to the generosity of the truest, purest love. Yet, each of us knows the ones we love will not always accept what we wish to give, and we learn we must be patient and accepting of the other's choices. So it is with Creator Spirit.
This God, by whatever name anyone chooses to speak, is One who desires nothing more than to be with us, to give us the desires of our hearts, to be in intimate relationship. We are those who choose not to accept, who choose not to build relationship, who refuse the gifts. We are those who stand with folded arms and closed fists, with eyes closed to the brightness of light of God's love. We do not receive because we cannot when we remain closed to possibility and to the riches, those wonders given freely as our birthright as beloved children. Our refusal to accept such love also includes our denying the healing, enervating Presence Who would touch our wounded places and bring us new life.
What amazes me, however, is how Creator Spirit gives so unstintingly even when we place foolish, shortsighted conditions on our requests. In the writing of those words I recall how often the children, who were the focus of my life for many years, have asked for some desire while promising spectacular, long-lasting return for my consideration. Of course, I gave if it was appropriate to do so, without regard for the unlikely promises, knowing the unreality of the promises even as they were spoken. I am convinced God is the wisest of mothers and simply disregards our silliness when that for which we plead is truly in our best interests while we promise all manner of dubious and wildly unrealistic returns.
Through my mid-to-late teen years I sought satisfaction to my myriad questions regarding church doctrine and other basic theological issues. The religious organization to which my parents chose to ally themselves did not fulfill the needs for answers. Little did I realize at the age of fifteen I was beginning a lifelong journey. However, I began to read, to ask questions, to search wherever the trail took me. It led for many years to the traditions of the Roman Catholic church. After several months of intense study and prayer at the beginning of that phase, I made one of the rashest promises of my life, a bargain with God. Adolescence is a rash time of life, prone to action without adequate understanding of consequence. At the moment when I sincerely begged to know truth, I promised to enter the convent if God would show me what is truth.
I easily could be facetious by stating quite simply that God did and I did; however, that would beg the entire subject of how generously Creator Spirit gives and how we receive. Such a lighthearted approach would serve only to nullify how seriously I always have regarded the ensuing events of my life. For God did show me truth in a blinding moment when I stood in the real Presence, knowing only the brightest of light revealing everything. Over the many years since that morning I have endeavored to write and to speak of the gift of the life-changing moment. Never once have I been able satisfactorily to articulate the gift. Bill Stegall, pastor of the United Methodist Church in Redding (CA) says the mystery of the resurrection is best expressed in poetry because such a genre allows for the unexplainable. This also probably is true of that moment when I touched the face of God in awe and saw Truth.
The gift of that instant in which my life was subtly and eternally altered was not that I knew any more than I had previously; it was the gift of recognition. Perhaps, the substance of the difference is this. I began to recognize more what was not truth when I have encountered it than what IS truth. The poetry I have attempted to write, the many efforts I have made to articulate the effect of that encounter with the Eternal: none of these has the clarity of expression my soul has attained from a timeless moment. Over the many years and events since an early Spring morning in mid-Missouri, I have grown to understand how Truth wears no label, is not bound by human-designed paradigms appearing to offer comfort to those who need them.
For several years following Creator Spirit's loving gift of that moment I continued to search out the appropriate direction of my life through committed participation in structured religious settings. There is no denying I often found these structures and organizations somewhat stultifying, my creative urge to shape my response to Truth frequently thwarted by the rigid bars of the cage of a specific denominational doctrine. There was always an indefinable, inarticulate desire to peer around the corners, to run past the limits seemingly held in place from the power of fear, by the need to establish control.
In my effort continually to move closer to the God who is truth, eternity and life, I began to understand there is yet much more awaiting me. That one momentous encounter had left me yearning for more, such is the beauty and magnetism of God's love. I had no doubt in my mind I could not ask, nor would I ever have dreamed of assuming that gift; yet, nothing satisfied. In my longing to come closer once more I began to consider the possibility of allowing Creator Spirit more access to my soul, to touch the controls I kept on my deepest self. I understood there was still more, there was more life, more of everything.
One of the more significant benefits of my year's attempt at formal religious life was exposure to and some training in contemplative prayer and meditation. Although I realized my freedom-loving spirit had no place in the conforming atmosphere of a religious order, the lifestyle and its concentrated prayer life spoke deep into the stillness of my soul. I began to know one gift Creator Spirit had blessed to me is prayer, deliberate involvement with the Sacred in the opportunities of life. The world of silent communion gently demanded my exploration with more concentration, more dedication; and Shekinah spoke, gently inviting me to open myself to her love. I resisted for a little while, fearing what I did not know and not comprehending I knew all I needed to know. I knew she was Love who called my name in the silence, who whispered in the stillness.
In the desire to live in a manner more attuned to the presence of God in my life, I eventually found the courage to release my stranglehold on the central issue of my difficulties in relationship, both with others in my life and with God, the challenge of control. Details of this stumbling block are not pertinent to the thoughts herein expressed except for how, almost my entire life, I have been fiercely independent. It is a measure, albeit in a very limited fashion, of God's generous, unquestioning love revealing how we remain so free to the point God does not seek to give even the most magnificent, wondrous gifts to us when we view our capitulation to that love as undesirable. It is we who lose; we lose relationship opportunities with a loving, accepting God more than anything. We also lose the abilities to enhance further the goodness and the abilities created within each of us.
Some glimmer of these realities finally began to sink through the stubborn swamp of my fear and I opened one hand just enough to allow Creator Spirit room to move into my life in a new way, enough to allow this great God to place a new gift in my barely opened fist. In many ways, that small opening was much like beginning to remove an old bandage from a wound or debriding dead tissue after serious injury in order to allow fresh air and medication to reach into the new openness, allowing the healing process to continue...or even to begin.
Even those of us who have some competency with language reach obstacles in our efforts to speak or to write of thoughts, feelings, desires reaching into to the very core of our beings. It seems to me prayer at its most honest depths comes to that place where words do not suffice, where we long to express our supplications but cannot. In his letter to the church in Rome, Paul wrote these are the moments when Creator Spirit can pray those thoughts we have no facility to articulate. Just as we offer all we are, all we can do as prayer for any variety of purposes, and trust a loving God will accept the meagerness of our offering within the unlimited bounty of God's goodness; so, also, we can open our inadequate ability to pray to the power of love of Great Spirit and allow that love to speak for us, expressing all the praise and desires we cannot.
This gift of prayer in such unique style is, and probably always will be, subject to extraordinary controversy, distrust and misinterpretation. Rather than to delve into the aspects likely to create discordance and misunderstanding, I find it more beneficial to explore prayer in the love of Creator Spirit as it is manifest in my life and in how it affects those for whom I pray by such means. Truly, this particular capability, as is true of most abilities that God gives us, is one meant to support the lives of we children of God who are maturing as co-creators sharing that redemptive love.
In my understanding and experience, this form of prayer is a privately expressed ability meant to be used only for others. There are many moments when I want to pray in as focused and clear a manner as I can manage; yet, there are no words to express the depth of my longings for which I pray. These are the moments when I allow Shekinah to pray those thoughts I cannot; and I know the prayer is perfectly expressed.
To my delight and wonder, I find the times of prayer in which I give my freedom willingly to Creator Spirit as my own gift are those times when I am clearly aware I stand on holy ground. As I encounter the burning bush of God's presence I know the warm, loving acceptance, respond to the light; yet, the fire does not scorch. There is peace, a radiant and flowing river so deep and still I desire only to remain suspended within. However, there is no possibility of choosing the place or time, or even the duration; for God gives the gift only when I give my will and there is no rationale or choice of mine that will affect the moment other than removal of my assent.
While giving some thought, albeit inadequately, to this gift of God's presence in my life, I realize there has been another form of prayer I have begun to experience as gift of freedom, one I had not considered before a few years ago. It never has occurred to me to question how music has enhanced prayer throughout my life, particularly when I sing or play an instrument. Until a miraculous day on a much-beloved mountain a few years ago, I had not thought seriously how prayer can and, perhaps, should involve my entire self, physically and spiritually. Then I began to dance my prayers and another gift of the freedom in God's love found expression.
The first instance when I danced my prayer was in a clearing on that beautiful mountain where I lived for a year in spiritual retreat and renewal. That prayer was one of commitment, a prayer of the gift of myself to the whisper I had long heard deep in my soul. It was a prayer of thanksgiving, a prayer of longing, one of love I could not speak. Since that beautiful autumn afternoon I have prayed in dance in deeply focused moments when no other avenue of expression appears appropriate. I have become increasingly aware God creates not only our souls and our minds, gives us abilities and gifts far beyond that which we ever use, but also creates our bodies also to be gift of praise.
While the rare and precious instances when I met Creator Spirit forever focused my vision beyond the present moment, beyond our material existence on this earth, I dared not hope for more than I had already experienced. Over time, with thanks for having begun, at last, to realize God creates in each of us such unnoticed, unappreciated beauty and magnificence gave me new outlook, new acceptance. Life became an adventure in the freedom of God's presence. I began to learn forgiveness and generosity towards those who had created difficulty in my life and began to understand I was free to choose, free to be who I am. Then I met the God whose love is all of reality.
Although I clearly recall dates and times of the two instances in which I had stepped into God's presence and in which I learned to recognize truth and to allow Creator Spirit to use me for perfect prayer, I do not remember when the first occurrence of stepping into the circle of God's loving embrace. I cannot point to a date on a calendar with any more than a general time frame. Since that one moment I have known this Love often enough not to feel need to place it in time with any exactness. I remain forever in the presence of Love and I come to startled awareness often, longing to continue far longer in such communion. However, I believe I could not continue in normal human existence were that desire to be granted.
Rather than some long explanation of these beautiful moments and what happens, which is impossible to write, how these gifts of love have affected my life and my very being is more an appropriate expression. Love is gift and perfect love bears no condition, no expectation, no demand. Yet, such love cries out for unity, passionate expression, constant togetherness, ever-deepening relationship. By allowing God to love me fully I begin to see there is nothing I need accomplish, nothing I can give, nothing I could begin to achieve ever able to earn such boundless, generous, always forgiving love. Love asks only to be accepted to work its magic miracles. The most beautiful truth of this love is there is more than I can absorb, more than I need, more than I ever could dream of wanting. The healing presence of such love almost defies description, so powerful is the effect on my spirit, my mind, my entire style of living.
Since I began to live in deliberate awareness and acceptance of Shekinah's love, I have become more emotionally and spiritually integrated, more able to feel and to express my emotions, more forgiving and accepting of others. Many have said to me there is a radiance about me, an inner joy and peace that glows out with invitation to join me in the beauty of living. I am far more open to people; even strangers I meet start smiling at me.
Another less easily explained change is the clarity of vision this love has enabled. It is without question that perfect love, once accepted into one's soul, banishes fear. The effect of this banishment opens doors we do not even realize are there, hidden behind the cobwebs and shadows fear creates. We begin to realize more of ourselves and our strengths, the God-given power to live fully, once the radiance of love brightens the darkness. Fear creates illness of both spirit and body. When fear is banished, wholeness returns, bringing new zest and energy.
The clarity love affords bears several unexpected consequences affecting not only my life, but can challenging those with whom I come in contact. Because I see myself more clearly and with forgiveness, I see others in the same light; however, that presupposes an unrestricted, loving vision understanding where individual responsibility begins and where it ceases. There can be a certain harsh reality, however compassionately we love, when we know our love must be as realistic as it is complete. There is no romance in this love, only a gentleness calling forth the best of those we love, if they will but understand and accept. Since we understand our love must leave others as free as we are, we also know those same others must have the same freedom to choose to reject love, reject appropriate growth and change, reject acceptance and forgiveness. At the same time, our compassionate loving must accept the reality each of us is responsible only for those choices that we make, those events over which we have control.
Living in freedom knowing God's presence as complete love is living in reality and in truth. This is no easy, rose-strewn pathway, for such love calls for open eyes to accompany the open heart. We look deep into ourselves and know such love calls forth the best from us and, even as we attempt to live out the gentle whisper of God's loving beckoning to us, we learn we now live in a light having no shadows. Another of the effects love has created is a heightened awareness and development of talents already present. I have had a strong sense of other people, their emotions, motivation, their own sense of themselves for most of my life. With the spirit eyes that see through the filter of loving acceptance I see into others far more clearly than I did previously, although I am less likely to voice what I see. However, there have been many people who become significantly uncomfortable when I turn my gaze towards them. I see rejection and fear often enough; but I also see personal unhappiness and self-deception wanting no light to brighten the dark places.
Forgiveness has become more than a word, no longer an almost impossible challenge in the face of the legacy injuries inflicted by less sensitive, less aware people in my life. In the gentle, accepting, always generous love who is Creator Spirit I have come to accept myself with all the goodness and all the shadows, the joy and brightness along with the sorrow and pain marking my calendar of years. In recognizing my failings, as do we all, with often uncomfortable clarity, I have come to understand were it not for the contrasts and the opportunities to allow God's love to work in my life, the texture would be of much less variety, less clarity and depth, less beauty. Truly, as I have realized the truth of Jacques Maritain's words, I understand it is my emptiness and thirst God desires, not my plenitude. I have learned to forgive myself for poor decisions, wrongful behavior, selfish choices, the human condition that we all share.
In coming closer to knowing God's forgiving love I have realized those who share life with me travel the same path as I. To participate in the mutual, forgiving love of God is to invite each other to touch our wounds, to reach into the tender, hurting places where our agony has lived and to anticipate and to accept healing. The process of forgiveness is one of vulnerability and trust, albeit uneasily and hesitantly begun. It is when we realize the power forgiveness carries in gentle, healing hands, we begin to know how to forgive with a little more faith, a little more readily; and our memories of pain become less and less accurate, even to the point we forget, so beautiful is the effect of lovingly offered and accepted forgiveness.
It seems, after considerable thought and scrutiny, the most powerful effect of allowing God's love to guide ones life is empowerment. There is not one facet of being left unaffected, so restorative, renewing and enervating is this Love pervading every dark corner of the soul. Such a process can be unsettling since unconditional love, when considered in the terms of the frequent limits and distortions of human reasoning, is insane, unpredictable; and it transforms ones life in the most unexpected fashion.
Creator Spirit is always restless, always moving to bring new life, new hope, new possibility. The gift of boundless love evokes a fountain of response obliterating any trace of fear as it fuels desire to express the beauty as the inherent truth of love. It is impossible to remain passive and not to find one's soul expanding in the presence of love that accepts without question. Any of us who love readily understands how the experience of passionate love stirs us into energetic life, rejuvenates weary hearts and gives birth to new hope. Dreams are born where once we believed life had concluded its dance of joy.
The power God's love unleashes when
allowed to perform its magic in our lives takes various styles, as diverse
as human creation. While I can speak in general terms, I know this power
best as it has affected my life. For those who are less emotionally expressive
than I, dwelling in conscious awareness of Love will have effects quite
different than those I experience. However, there most certainly will be
effect and increased intensity in living. Each of us sees with new eyes
and we are forever more sensitive to all that is good and beautiful. God,
in the power and majesty of this love, touches each of us with gentleness
and we are transformed.