Hi folks, my name is Juan and let me start out by saying, in no uncertain terms, that I am an "abominable" adult. I will be the first to admit it. Why do I think that I am an "abominable" adult? Well let me explain and then you can tell me what you think. Don't worry though, I now realize, and more importantly believe, that there is still hope for me yet. If your mind and your heart have not yet been completely paralyzed and frozen stiff, then there may still be hope for you as well. I have come up with a really appropriate nickname for this "disease" that I and many other adults suffer from. I call it "abominable adult syndrome" or A.A.S. for short, but it REALLY should be "ASS", since this is also a very good descriptive term of some of the symptoms you will encounter...

I wasn't always an "ASS"...I know that for sure. I have pictures and memories to prove it!!! Back in those days a smile was always on my face, I trusted and loved everyone that was kind, sincere and took a genuine interest in me. My world, as I reminisce now, although not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, was nonetheless a beautiful place. Every day was filled with colorful dreams of adventure and fantasy for me. Dreams of discovery, of mastering or "conquering" all of those little things in life that to me, back then, seemed so important. Those same subtleties in life that now, as the abominable adult that I have become, more often than not go by completely overlooked as either trivial or just simply obsolete.

I was once full of hope and a love for life that, somehow in my transition into adulthood -which I foolishly longed for so much- got buried, by what I had come to perceive as the more important and worthwhile affairs in life. The saddest part of all of this is that I didn't even think or realize that I was one...an "ASS" that is!!! I was actually very hurt and upset, at first, when this "reality" was pointed out to me by one of my dear and trusted friends. Ironically enough, I was diagnosed while seeking advice, and you could even say "justification", for another "abominable" thing that I had done to another mutually close and trusted friend! Thanks David for your uncompromising honesty...OUCH!!!

I thought I knew it all, had everything under control. I GENUINELY thought that I was as "complete" as any human being, in my particular set of circumstances, could ever hope to be. I thought that I had everything in life that was really important and essential, in order to survive and lead a productive existence...in order to be happy. Well I was sadly mistaken!!! Don't get me wrong though, I have a very challenging and gratifying position at work, make enough money (I was, and still am, although to a lesser extent nowadays, a workaholic), travel around the world 5-6 times a year, and have many friends-brothers that I consider my "extended" family, whom I love and cherish very much.

All along, however, there was something missing from this "perfect" picture...something which has taken me this long to realize, or possibly come to grips with. Somewhere along the way, I got so wrapped up in myself, and what I have now accepted as my own "abominable" existence, I simply forgot -or maybe choose to ignore- how to honestly trust another human being. I neglected how to be truly kind and understanding of other's problems, needs, feelings and dreams, and not just in a superficial way, as we so often tend to do nowadays. In essence...I simply forgot how to LOVE.

Don't get the wrong idea friends, like most of you, I am not a "bad" person, and yes...there is still hope for us "ASS"es. The essential "childhood" qualities have always been there for me -and no doubt for all of you, maybe just shoved aside, dormant, buried deep down inside for so long that we have forgotten, or once again chosen to ignore, that they ever existed. We all have our faultless "logic", our "heartfelt" reasons and justifications for doing so. All of those excuses in life that we have been so meticulously brainwashed by society into accepting and believing as necessary. The sad "truths" that have been implanted in our brains and our hearts about just how one should measure "success", about what really matters and is important in life, and about what constitutes acceptable "adult" behavior, no matter how "abominable" it may be. Sometimes all it takes is a simple wake-up call...a friend to grab you by the hand and show you that there is more to life than what meets your eye.

Thanks to my "virtual" friends, whose souls and dreams you will find throughout all of these pages, I have learned and re-discovered so much in the last few months about myself, my life, and my once lost childhood dreams. I long to be that child again, so full of wondrous dreams of innocence, so full of selfless love and trust in those that surround and make up what is now my existence. I have let so much time and so many experiences in life go by, without even blinking an eye. Things that for me, unfortunately, are now lost for eternity, in what is my past. Things which I cannot change, in so much as I can never bring them back. When I think of our short-term existence in this universe, the time that I have wasted, and the little time that I have left, it makes me want to cry. But don't worry...these tears, although born out of remorse, are filled with joy, filled with the hope of a new-found love for life that I will hold onto for the rest of my existence.

So go ahead relax a little, loosen up your tie, take off your corporate suit for a while, put your "worldly" problems aside for a couple of minutes...they can wait. Take a moment out of your busy schedule to reflect upon your life and the things that are really important in it. No matter who or what you are there is still time to change. We, the Virtual Madmen, challenge you to dream once again, to open up your heart and your soul to the rest of humanity...to exorcise the demons that control your mind and life, to shed that abominable adult skin once and for all...to be free...to be a child again...it's never too late!!!

This poem is dedicated to my brothers of infinite space (David, Ruben, and Spike) who have helped me in so many ways revitalize the hibernating love for humanity that was decaying inside of me for so long. To them eternal life, both in this poem and in my thoughts

VIRTUAL MADMEN

Even though I may not know your given name,

Your virtual pseudonym I know too well...its LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

Even though the miles, the oceans, and space divides us,

The robust garden of your dreams grows and is fortified in my thoughts.

Even though I may never get to know the smile upon your face,

The joy of life, overflowing from your veins, my nourishment will be.

Even though at times I lose my tolerance and forget how to forgive,

Even though at times my heart is filled with fear, uncertainty and solitude,

Your thoughts do chase me, and remind me how easy it is to love.

Even though at times I do not comprehend what a virtual friend can be,

Without opening your lips the answer comes to me, a friend is with whom...

you dare to open up your heart, your spirit, and your dreams,

your soul can be stark naked, completely bare with him;

he doesn't ask you to dress yourself up,

he doesn't want you to be better or worse;

you don't have to be on guard with him,

you can freely say whatever you feel,

so long as it is genuinely you;

he understands the contradictions in your life,

that cause others to misjudge you;

you can show your vanities, envies,

hatred, meanness, and cruelty,

you can abuse, ignore, tolerate, and cause him pain,

it all melts and disappears

in the pure, white ocean of his loyalty

he understands, you don't have to be cautious;

you can cry, lament, laugh, sing, pray and dream with him,

you can breathe freely in his presence;

you can keep pace with him, lead or follow,

it is not important...

through it all and underneath,

he knows you...he sees your soul...he accepts you...

he loves you...

Even though our paths may separate or go in opposite directions,

It will not change the friendship we have shared.

You are and always will be a part of me, of my being, of my existence.

Juan/97