*
9 Odd Days in Austin *
Livin’ La Vida Loca: Our
Austin Adventure
Written by Zenith
Edited by Chili and Heeler
Produced by © ZeelerPepper, Inc.
STARRING....
Heeler
Kikki
Zenith
Chili
and
Mark Dumbrell......as
himself
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Supporting cast
at the LaQuinta: Maki, Gnicole, SweetBiscuit,
Chiquita, Rho, Buffalodiva
Supporting cast at concerts,
bars, and restaurants: assorted
Perchies, Femmes, Dave, Dave, Stew, Garth, Dean, Russ
Extras:
screaming mimis, skanky ho’s (also known as “hootchies”),
obnoxious tall people, hottie male Texans. Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.
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Day One - Friday, August 10th
THE MEETING
12:00 pm, Austin-Bergstrom Airport
Chili had told me that she would
be wearing a “recognizable” t-shirt. As I walked toward the Alamo
counter, there were two people sitting in the chairs nearby. No recognizable
t-shirts, but one woman had curly red hair stuffed under a baseball cap - could
it be a TOFOG hat? Not sure from that distance. I look at her. She looks at
me. We look at each other. She asks, “Is it you?” “It’s
me! I’m me!” I say. Such a way with words.
SHATTERED ILLUSIONS (Chili)
Chili is like the energizer bunny on amphetamines
(disclaimer: Chili does not actually take illegal drugs, so don’t get
freaky on me). She had told us (both Heeler and me) that she was SHY in person.
She had warned us on numerous occasions that she’s very shy.
Let me put it this way. If Chili is shy, I do
NOT want to see the *outgoing* people of Cleveland.
Heeler
says: I was not terribly surprised by any
of my roomies. Chili however, had made me a bit nervous when she declared that
she was terribly shy in person. I take a little warming up but am not by any
stretch of the imagination shy. So I was worried that this person that I had
come to know on the board was indeed shy and there wouldn't be a lot of conversation
when we finally met..............Thank God that my fears were unfounded.............by
a long shot.
****
Chili and I, along with
my friend Jenny, check into the hotel, shower, change clothes, and then it’s
time to go pick up Heeler. “Where are we supposed to pick her up?”
I ask. Chili has her flight information -- except that it’s in an email
on her computer at home! We have no idea what airline she’s coming in
on, even. Do we know what she looks like? No. Wait! I remember that she mentioned
having strawberry blonde hair. A clue!
We go to the baggage
claim area, and stand, three of us in a line, checking out all the women who
might possibly be something close to a strawberry blonde -- ok, we checked out
all the women, period. We peer at each passerby, but they all look too purposeful.
We know that Heeler will be the lost and bereft looking one. Time passes, and
no unclaimed copperheads emerge. And then...Chili remembers her REAL NAME!
We
go to the information desk...we have her paged. Not two minutes later, our
very own Heeler is heading toward us. Lost and bereft is an understatement.
It seems that her flight was cancelled, and she had the option of taking
a later or an earlier flight. Well, OF COURSE a later flight was out of
the question, so she took the earlier one. Which meant that she had been
waiting for us for hours, standing in the main thoroughfare of the airport,
holding a piece of notebook paper on which was scribbled, “CHILI?”
She said she stood out there so long, the passersby must have thought that
she was some sort of pathetic hooker, offering to turn tricks for a bowl
of chili.
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![](heeler.jpg) |
SHATTERED ILLUSIONS (Heeler)
This girl is a PERVE. I mean it. She makes the
rest of us look like amateurs. She can take anything - and I mean anything -
and give it a sexual connotation. She seems all sweet and innocent (well, she
is sweet), but let me tell ya. Our “Do Not Disturb” sign said, “No
Moleste” and she kept saying that we needed to put a sign out that said,
“Moleste Por Favor.”
And of course she was the one who came up with
this little gem:
Airfare to Austin.....$150
TOFOG ticket........$30
Four women in one hotel room.....Prickless
She’s also funny as hell, and at that time,
her wicked sense of humor didn’t come across on the board nearly as much.
I think she was shy. Her one-liners had us in stiches the whole week.
Heeler
says: “Moleste
Por Favor” was a perfectly innocent statement. The "Do Not Disturb"
sign was in Spanish and said, "No Moleste." I felt it was about time
to let the maid in. SOMEONE took my perfectly innocent statement to mean something
entirely different.
THE ELEVATOR TO NOWHERE
Heeler says:
Starting with our first trip up to our room we noticed
it. The Elevator To Nowhere! As we all piled on, talking excitedly, we pressed
our buttons and waited, and waited, and waited. Until we FINALLY noticed that
we hadn't moved at all. This happened quite a bit, since we were distracted
by talking so much, we spent quite a lot of time standing in an elevator that
wasn't going anywhere. When we finally got the hang of how to get the elevator
to move, it then started jumping up and down when it got to the first floor.
It would taken several minutes of bouncing up and down before it finally decided
it was happy with where it had landed and opened the doors. If the elevator's
rockin', don't come knockin', NOT. We frightened several people with our elevator
to nowhere comments. Of course I think we may have frightened several people
even if the elevator had been working properly.
COMO SE DICE ‘BLANKET’ EN ESPANOL?
We originally thought that we were going to have
a fifth person in our room, and I had brought an air mattress for that purpose.
We tracked down a maid and asked for an extra blanket and pillow, but the language
barrier was so great that Chili could not get her wishes across. We were all
in the hallway, watching as Chili pantomimed “blanket” and “pillow”
over and over, to no avail. Finally we went down another hallway where there
was an unattended housekeeping cart, and Chili took a blanket and pillow off
of it, and a couple extra towels for good measure.
***
Heeler says:
After arriving back at the hotel, several of us were getting on the elevator.
As usual, we were waiting on Chili, you know, the SHY one. As we stepped on
the elevator, we were joined by a nice looking young man. There was some confusion
over the elevator buttons, and the conversation went something like this:
Chili:
(sigh) I’m tired.
Man: That
good a night?
Chili: Yep.
(pause)
Chili: Do I detect
an accent?
Man: I’m from
New Zealand.
Chili: HOW coincidental.
Kiwi Man: Let me
guess. You’re here to see Russell Crowe?
Chili: (grinning)
How did you know?
Kiwi man smiles. (melt!)
Kiwi Man: At least
you know he’s from New Zealand and not Australia.
Chili: Oh, we know
a lot of things.
Just then we reached his floor. As he steps off
the elevator, just as the doors were not quite closed, Zenith yells out "HE'S
CUTE." I'm VERY sure that our cute Kiwi heard this. I'm also sure that
if the cute Kiwi was looking for a little action, he couldn't have picked a
better weekend to be in town. Nevertheless, our repressed and shy little group
would have no knowledge of that.
SHATTERED ILLUSIONS (Zenith)
Chili
says: Shattered illusion: that
Zenith is shy. And quiet. And… MEEK. Meek. Meek, shy, quiet little Zenith
from Iowa. RRRRRRRRROTFLMAO! She’s an AlphaBitch in training! “Chili,
do this!” – “Chili, do that!” Here I thought I’d
run this show (!) and this young chick bops in and takes over… in fact,
in the pecking order, I was DEAD LAST in this room of Alphas… Crimony!
Zenith
says: I’m a Russell
Crowe fan (first clue) and I called myself Zenith. What gave Chili the idea
that I was the submissive type, I’ll never know. I *am* shy, though. Really.
IRON MAIDEN...er...CACTUS
We head over to the Iron Cactus where we are supposed
to meet the RCBM ladies. We meet some (including Hooly) downstairs and then
make our way upstairs to the open roof-top dining area. There we meet Roon,
Cho, Lynda, Epiphany/Felipe, RM, and others, who are celebrating Roon’s
birthday.
ALMOST FAMOUS
*Sigh* Life with a celebrity. Everywhere we went
- “CHILI!!!!” “YOU’RE CHILI!!!!” Hugging, screaming,
hugging, screaming, while Heeler and I stood by -- the entourage. Let me tell
you, it ain’t easy being a “handler.” You’re trying
to get the “handlee” where they are supposed to be, and everyone
else in the whole freaking world is trying to prevent it.
THE FIRST SHOW
We head over to
Stubbs, walk in, and find a decent place under the balcony. Chili had wanted
to be in that location, because she had been there last year and liked it. The
rest of our LaQuinta group was there too - Gnicole, Chiquita, Kikki, SweetBiscuit,
Maki. Suddenly Mark appears. I squeal and grab Chili. “There’s Mark!”
She squints. “It might be Mark...” “It’s Mark!”
I say, annoyed. I can identify Mark from a chin or a hand in a photo. Trust
me. It’s him.
Russell Gilbert starts his act, but I’m
waaaay too busy watching Mark, walking back and forth just a few feet away from
me, back and forth...talking on his cell phone, carrying stuff from the green
room to the stage. Far more entertaining than the comedian. I should probably
mention here that I really wanted to meet Mark, but “meet” just
means *meet*. I had no intention of coming on to him, nor did it have anything
to do with Russell. Anyway, at this point, it would have been easy to step back
a few feet and start up a conversation...if I wasn’t so damn shy. But
I am (with strangers) and so I missed the opportunity.
Ralph appears, and I poke my friends and point
him out too. A tall woman with long blonde hair walks by us. Jenny asks, “Is
that Russell’s girlfriend?” Knowing that she means Danielle, I tell
her no. I look again and poke the others. “There’s Lourene.”
A few minutes pass, and then Russell comes in
and heads for the green room. There are hootchies lined up across the railing
and behind the “hootchie table” set up at the back of the balcony,
and Russell barrels by them, head down, not making eye contact with anyone.
A few minutes later, he reappears in the doorway
of the green room, and watches the opening acts. “There’s Russ.”
I say calmly and matter-of-factly to Chili and Heeler. I wondered what I would
feel the first time I saw him in person. Although my infatuation had long since
mellowed out, I had wondered if seeing him up close would change anything, if
I would feel a physical reaction - a jolt. Instead, it seems totally normally
to see him, as if I see him everyday. It is like seeing an old friend - I’m
glad to see him, but it doesn’t seem new or strange at all.
He is wearing the dark blue flannel, and he has
his arm up against the door frame and partway over his face, as if to ward off
the open gawking of the hootchies lined up in front of him. Heeler whispers
to me that it must be awful having them all lined up and staring at him like
that, but he seems to ignore it fairly well, and he laughs at the Russell Gilbert’s
jokes. He goes up on the stage (off to the side) to watch Burnum Burnum’s
dance.
The show starts, and Russ, now wearing the light
blue flannel with holey elbows, is edgy and hyper. I’m slightly disappointed,
not in the music, but because I feel like he’s not having a good time
(he says we‘re “uptight"). My friends aren’t disappointed
at all. Jenny (who has never heard the music before) loves it.
After the concert, we LOSE Chili. She’s
still somewhere inside the venue with Heeler, and the rest of us are outside
wondering how many people she has found to talk to. We wait, and wait, and wait.
This is what I mean about being a handler. It sucks.
IT PAYS TO PICK UP STRAYS
We went back to the hotel to drop off Maki, but
Kikki had refused to squish into the car, preferring to walk back to the La
Quinta. After we dropped Maki off and stopping to talk to Mar and PM for a few
minutes we left the hotel parking lot, but circled back around to find Kikki.
We were worried about her walking alone at that time of night. As we re-entered
the hotel parking lot, we saw her standing there, talking to a woman we didn’t
know. Kikki opened the car door and said, “Are you going to eat?”
We said yes, and Kikki shoves this strange woman into the car with us, telling
us that she needs to eat and we should take her with us.
The woman doesn’t seem at all alarmed to
be thrust into a car full of strangers, in fact, she seems relieved beyond measure
to be headed to a resturant. She identifies herself as Buffalodiva from the
Perch, and recognizes *my* nic, and to a lesser extent, Chili’s. (I’m
inordinately pleased by this.) The poor girl’s flight was two hours late
and she hadn’t eaten all day. She went to her hotel to check in and they
had LOST her reservation. She didn’t know anyone from the boards or in
Austin. The Marriott sent her to the LaQuinta, which is where she was headed,
tired, hungry, and ready to turn around and go home, when she saw Kikki walking
up the hill. Since we all give off those “love and peace” TOFOG
vibes, Buffalodiva decided to take a chance on Kikki. She asked her if she had
been to the concert and told her sad story. It was at that point that Kikki
put her in the car with us...it was fate, I tell you. No one could have been
a better addition to our crazy group than Diva. She is so much fun. We only
wished that we could have spent more time with her, but she had to go back on
Sunday.
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, SHAKE IT
Once Buffalodiva was in the car, we drove around
and drove around, and drove around. We had been told to meet the rest of our
group at Katz, which, someone said, was at the corner of 8th and Rio Grande.
Well, let me tell you something. *cough* When you get in a car with Chili behind
the wheel, you never know where you might end up. With Chili driving, the four
blocks to Stubbs becomes like a quest for Xanadu. We drive around, and around,
and around. With people in the passenger and back seats yelling, “Left!”
“No, RIGHT!” “You can’t go right, it’s a one-way!”
and Chili, who hasn’t a freaking clue where she’s going, thinks
it’s REALLY funny to add “Left, right, SHAKE IT!” to the sentence
whenever anyone tells her where to turn. Ok, it WAS funny, like the first 20
times.
We find 8th and Rio Grande, and it’s
a residential neighborhood. Ain’t no Katz in sight. We have no choice
but to drive around some more. *cough* Time for another little piece of trivia
about Chili. She will talk to ANYONE. She will accost gang-looking people in
the next car at the Mobil station to ask for directions (at which point I was
wondering if they would notice if I slid down onto the floor of the car, out
of sight). I must say that the baby-gansta she was talking to looked annoyed
at first, then gradually his expression changed to a grudging respect at the
pure NERVE of her.
Heeler
says: How can one person
make a small vehicle take up so many lanes? I know Chili, "Bite you."
It is really sad when the drunk people have to tell the designated driver to
stop for a light, watch out for that car, get in one lane, turn here. The concept
of One Way streets are not high on Chili's list of ways to plan a city.
We finally found
the IHOP and ate breakfast at 2:30 in the morning.
Back in our hotel
room, we simply cannot stop laughing. Everything is funny. We lay, two women
in each double bed (not queens - it’s cozy). It’s now 5:30 am and
we’re TRYING to go to sleep, but then someone has a funny thought and
starts giggling - setting off yet another fit of uncontrollable laughter. Finally
all is quiet. I make a discovery - if Chili stops talking for 30 seconds, she
falls asleep. And yes, you know the minute she’s asleep because the snoring
begins.
DAY TWO - Saturday, August
11th
HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE, AND WE’LL DO LUNCH
Chili and I drag our sorry asses out of bed at
nine thirty (3.5 hours sleep, but who’s counting). We are leaving Heeler
and Jenny at the hotel, since they haven’t had the criminal background
check required to attend the luncheon.
On the way to the Red Eye Fly, Chili is pulled
over by a police officer. It’s our first encounter with Austin’s
Finest...and let me tell you, they are FOINE. It’s a good thing Chili
was driving, because I was rendered speechless.
The irony of the situation is that Chili made numerous driving faux-pas during
our time in Austin, such as driving the wrong way on a one-way street (more
than once), but she was pulled over for not having her seat belt on.
Chili immediately pleads tourist status and asks
directions to the Red Eye Fly. The officer looks at her questioningly. “Getting
an early start?” he asks.
“Oh, no, there’s a luncheon there
today,” Chili says. “For Russell Crowe fans.”
“Is he there?” the cop asks, interested.
Chili tells him she doesn’t think so, and
he lets us go, admonishing Chili to wear her seatbelt.
Chili finds a parking place with a meter. We dig
around for coins, but we don’t come up with enough for the time that we
think we will be there. Two women are walking down the street, and they are
giving out the peace and love TOFOG vibes. Chili asks them if they have change
for a dollar. They come up with a dollar in change, but refuse to take Chili’s
dollar bill. A random act of kindness.
The luncheon is really fun, and we meet lots of
Perchettes. I have the same reaction to each person I meet that I know online:
I say, “Oh, you’re____! It’s so nice to meet you!” as
I grab her in a suffocating hug (neglecting to tell her who *I* am). At some
point I’m in the back area, and I hear someone say, “Russell’s
assistant is here.” Russell’s assistant? MARK??? I make a beeline
into the bar, looking around frantically. It’s Bruno. And Stewart. And
Dave Kelly. I go back where my friends are. Eventually Garth and Dave Wilkins
arrive also. I think I mentioned that I’m shy, and I’m not an autograph
person (never had one, in fact), so I kept chatting with the girls and left
the guys alone.
Dave Wilkins, in particular, seems really pleased
at the way TOFOG brings the fans together. In her post-luncheon speech, Eva
talked about how wonderful it was that this had created friendships, and she
thanked TOFOG for creating their music, and also for bringing us together. I
was standing near Dave, and during that part of the speech, he expressed approval
several times (by saying “fantastic” or nodding really happily).
I liked that.
Then we
went over to Stubbs to see if they were doing sound check. They were.
We saw and took pictures of Russell Cow and sat in the downstairs of Stubbs
for a while with a bunch of Perchettes. KrissyW told me that she was pregnant,
and I was happy that I could give her a congratulatory hug in person,
instead of a pale-in-comparison cyberhug.
We were waiting
for Kikki to return from her errand (with our car), but when she didn’t
come back, we finally decided to head back to the hotel on foot. It was
so freaking hot, and we were nearly dead (and my feet were burning) by
the time we had walked the four blocks (or 32 miles, as Chili says) to
the LaQuinta.
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Heeler says:
Waaahhhhh!!! I felt so left out. Jenny and I kept looking at each other thinking,
"surely they should be back by now." Hate to say it, but we were BORED.
THE SECOND SHOW
We got ready for
the concert and headed back over to Stubbs. This time we actually waited in
line for maybe an hour. Chili had wanted to go over earlier, to make sure we
got the places right along the edge of the “porch,” but we took
too long and didn‘t get into line soon enough. So when we actually got
into Stubbs, some people had staked out “our” place on the edge
of the porch, and they were NOT budging. We hung out during the opening acts,
I was chatting with Katydid and Pongo a little bit, but I was really tired.
At one point, someone asked me a question and I *jerked awake*. Yes, I was actually
asleep standing up. I hadn’t adjusted to our vampire lifestyle yet.
We spent the entire
concert fighting for a view. It was so jam-packed under that balcony, and there
were really tall people in front of us. A very nice woman who was with Katydid
and Pongo, asked me at one point if I could see. I told her no, and she shoved
me through the people in front of her, so suddenly I could see. Another random
act of kindness.
The concert was
soooo good that night. Russell was giggly and happy and he was so interactive
with the crowd - a night and day difference from the night before. In fact,
it was so good, I actually worried that the 18th would be an anti-climax, because
I didn't think it could be better. (I needn't have worried.)
The Oscar
moment was truly unforgettable. As Russell said later, it was “not
a media moment.” He understood, and we understood…and from what
he said, I knew that he knew that the rest of the world wouldn’t understand.
And he did it anyway. And every attempt to describe that moment falls very
short. |
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"We
don’t DO this shit in Cleveland. When it’s dark, we go home."
(On
parking in a dark alley near the Continental Club at 12:30 am.) --- Chili
|
After the concert, we headed over to the Continental
Club, where there was an Elvis cover singer who apparently is very popular.
Heeler and Buffalodiva were especially into the music, they were singing along
to every one of the songs and dancing.
Heeler says:
We HAVE mentioned that Chili does NOT do music that even comes close to country.
Just before the
singer finished his last set, a small group of people came in and Kikki told
us that the small blond woman was Lucinda Williams. Apparently she had come
over after performing at her own show. The bar closed, and the crowd thinned
out until it was just TOFOG fans and Lucinda’s group. Finally, they turned
the lights on and threw us out, and we were all out on the sidewalk for a while.
We went to Katz
to eat after that, and everyone was so exhausted they could hardly see straight.
I remember being really worried about Chili driving and I kept babbling about
how driving while sleep-deprived was as bad as driving drunk. We finally made
it back to the hotel and collapsed.
DAY THREE
- Sunday, August 12th
FOUR WOMEN. ONE BATHROOM.
Heeler
says: As
ususal, our group was NEVER dull or without something to say. Zenith was supposed
to be getting in the shower when she decided an important point needed to be
made. She had her underwear in her hand and was standing in front of Chili,
gesturing wildly. Chili very calmly (weird, I know) looked at her and said,
"Do your panties have something to do with that statement?" I'll be
damned if I know what the hell Zenith was talking about. What is it about getting
into the shower that makes you remember an important point?
Zenith
says: My VERY important point was about
which CLUB we were going to that night. Hmpf!
GIVING IT UP FOR JESUS
Sunday we took it easy. We got up around 11:00,
and again Chili and I abandoned Heeler and Jenny at the hotel while we met Roon,
Hooly, Lynda, et. al. at Stubbs for the gospel brunch.
The gospel brunch was really fun, and the lead
singer of the group kept asking us to “give it up” for everyone
that he was introducing - which seemed to be everyone in the entire world, plus
Jesus. He introduced us to everyone in the group, which was 7-8 people, along
with several members of his family. We were trying to eat, and by the time he
asked us to “give it up” for his mama, I was in an uncontrollable
giggling fit. They were great, though.
When we got back, Heeler and Jenny had just finished
getting ready, so they headed out to get some lunch. I curled up on one bed
with the laptop, and Chili sprawled across the other bed, talking to me. Within
a couple minutes, she wasn’t talking anymore. She was...you guessed it.
Zzzzzzzzz....
THE GREAT TOWEL ROBBERY
Although each of us is a responsible woman in
our other life, with people who depend on us (two children each for Heeler and
me and an elderly mother in Chili’s case), you would not have known it
if you had seen our hotel room. Because of our vampire-like schedule, we had
not let the maid in since we had checked in (three days). You could have buried
a person under the heap of used towels in the bathroom. How did we get all the
towels, you ask? After her success with the blanket and pillow, Chili continued
to pilfer towels off the carts of unsuspecting housekeepers, hiding them in
the closet for future use. We neglected to grab toilet paper, however, and we
ran out on Sunday. We went to our friends’ hotel room for a DVD party
and begged a roll from them to get us through the night.
GETTIN' GROOVY
The DVD ( Texas) party was VERY wild. I was very
wild. There is photographic evidence of said wildness. [shudder] Note to self:
do not pose for pictures while under the influence of alcohol and TOFOG documentaries,
no matter how good an idea it seems at the time.
Back in our hotel room, Heeler is sitting on the
bed, cross-legged. She has brought the bottle of tequila with her from the other
room, and she’s drinking it straight. She’s laughing and joking
with us, but then she gets very serious. Staring morosely into her glass, she
says, “I can tell you THINGS. I have no education, but I know THINGS.”
(pause)
“Heeler and Tequila have bonded.”
ON GLASSES AND PASSES
Heeler
says: Chili
was sitting on the floor, typing on the laptop, and Zenith really, really wanted
check her email. She begged and begged to no avail. Pretty soon, Chili noticed
that Zenith kept scooting closer and closer to her, until she was sitting very
close, flipping her hair and looking at Chili seductively. Chili, who was wearing
glasses at the time, looks over the top of them sternly and says, “Does
this work for you usually? ‘Cause it’s not working.”
Zenith says:
I guess they weren’t the right kind of glasses.
DAY FOUR - Monday the
13th
WE FOUGHT THE LAW, AND THE LAW WON
The next morning...uh...ok, afternoon, we went
to the Iron Cactus for lunch, and ended up spending the entire afternoon there.
Ok, maybe we didn’t get there until 2:00. But it was five o’clock
when we left, and the bizarre thing about our lifestyle was that we had just
finished lunch, and it was time for dinner. By my calculations, we averaged
1.5 meals a day because of our wacked-out schedule.
We had parked the car on a side street, in a parking
place that was next to a handicapped place. Our parking spot wasn’t marked
on the pavement and there was no sign. But when we came out of the restaurant,
we had a ticket.
$150.
As you can imagine, Chili blew a gasket. She was
screaming and carrying on, while Kikki tried to explain that we could contest
the ticket, that if you bother to show up for the hearing they will usually
at least knock it down. Chili wasn‘t listening, instead continuing her
rant which involved lots of really bad language and phrases such as, “THEY
CAN KISS MY YANKEE ASS!”
When Chili walked away briefly, I leaned over
and said quietly to Kikki, “You just go to the hearing and take care of
it.” Kikki said, “If she goes, they’ll...” I nodded.
“You go.” The last thing we needed was Chili to be thrown in jail
in contempt of court.
We picked up some supplies (booze) and went back
to the hotel. Joining our other friends in their room, we ordered pizza and
watched The Sum of Us, which I had never seen.
We got back to our room around 2:00 am, and I
had to have Jenny at the airport at 6:00. Staggering out of bed at 5:00, I managed
to find the airport and drop her off successfully. I’m feeling bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed, and I contemplate seeing if Kikki wants to go to Starbucks,
but when I get back to the hotel room, I fall into bed and sleep until 10:00.
LOVE BITES
With Chili, the 'Bite Me’s' were constant.
Ok, to be fair, we are a terrible bunch of smartasses. (Or as she said, “Why
do all my friends have to be bitches?”) But we were told to bite her every
two minutes, on average.
Heeler
says: I think she even used that when we WEREN'T
insulting her. Then she came up with "bite me with a retainer." Chili,
how about "Bite me, and rotate?"
She did become
rather...defensive, and would give us dirty looks as if she were daring us to
say something to make her mad. At one point, she came out of the bathroom and
stood glaring at us. Kikki said, “You’re just waiting for us to
say something so you can bitch at us, aren’t you?”
FIFTY ODD MINUTES OF BITCHINESS
Chili kept telling us that she was PMSing and
that she was bitchy for 59 minutes out of every hour. Every once in a while,
she would say something nice and hug one of us. Then she’d put her mad
face on. “Was that our one minute?” we would ask. “Yep.”
Heeler says: I'm not sure that we got a complete
minute of sweetness. Chili was pretty worked up, most of the time. I wasn't
around when the theory of 59 minutes of bitchiness and 1 minute of sweetness
per hour was concocted. Chili darlin', I love you but when you get worked up
about something you REALLY get worked up.
Chili (re: Zenith):
You can
smell smoke coming out of her brain sometimes.
Heeler:
Is that what that is? |
AUSTEN (not Austin)
Our hotel had valet service,
and after we had been there a few days, we met Austen the valet. We drove up
one night, very late, and we were all laughing our asses off. Austen came over
to the car, and Chili said to him, “We’re sober. Really.”
And Austen, understandably skeptical, says, “Yeah right, you’ve
been smoking pot.” And we said, “Nooooo!” And Chili, with
her oh-so-shy personality, chats him up and we can tell that he’s intrigued
(and amused) by this crazy group of women.
The next morning,
when we came down to get our car, Austen was coming across the parking lot,
yelling. "A$$hole! Blah, blah, blah, your f*cking car, blah, blah, a$$hole!”
We can’t hear everything he’s saying, but we definitely understand
that he’s complaining loudly about a customer. He sees us and is all smiles.
We ask him what he’s so mad about and he explains that the customer is
an a$$hole, and adds that the guy who had the shift before him is an a$$hole
too. “They’re all assholes!!!” he exclaims. The guy who works
before him is a dumbass, he says. “He’s got one eye going this way
and one going this way...and he says that acid doesn’t mess you up.”
“He’s
a wooky-eyed dumbass?” we ask. “Yep,” Austen says.
It was the beginning
of a beautiful friendship with Austen.
DAY FIVE - Tuesday the 14th
After getting ready, we head over to IHOP for
breakfast (lunch?) and then decide to go tour the capital complex, but it’s
4:30 and the buildings close at 5:00. We decide we don’t want to pay $5
each for half an hour. How did it get so late anyway? We think Austin exists
in a time warp.
The decision is
made (mostly by Chili’s insistence) to go to see The Others which had
just opened. Our personal valet/advisor, Austen, told us how to get to the theater,
and Kikki drove, so we arrive there relatively quickly and easily.
We all enjoyed
the movie very much, especially Heeler and Chili, who were sitting on opposite
ends of the row, and who screamed in unison at a shocking point, producing a
stereo effect.
After dinner at
Stubbs, we went back to the hotel and watched POL in our gathering room.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A PISSED-OFF RUSSELL CROWE
FAN
(Or, We Don’t Call Ourselves Bitches For Nothing)
Sometime in the
days following the 11th, it came to our attention that certain journalists at
the Austin American-Statesman were dissing our boys. That is something that
will not be tolerated. They were deluged with angry emails in inimitable RC-fan
style, but Kikki called Andy Langer (who, I believe, accused Russell of “grandstanding”
for showing his oscar) and left a message for him on his voice mail. She did
not leave her number, but he must have had caller id, because he called back
on her cell phone, on the 18th. She did not have her phone with her and missed
the call. Since we were busy getting ready for the concert, we did not call
him back. Mr. Langer should thank his lucky stars for that.
“They
don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love
some silly little piece of music,
or some band, so much that it hurts.”
---
Almost Famous
|
DAY SIX - Wednesday the 15th
The next morning, we drove to Shiner, Texas, to tour the brewery
where the famous Shiner Bock is made. Kikki drove, Essence played, and -- you
know those rare *perfect moments* in your life? Driving along the Texas highway,
the warm sun coming through the window, a van full of friends, and nothing to
do but be together...that was the *essence* of Austin.
Chili, of course, was asleep.
After the Shiner brewery, we went
on to the Alamo (in San Antonio). Then it was back to Austin for dinner at the
Hula Hut, where we sat out on the water and started an intensely serious discussion.
WEDNESDAY IS WASHING DAY
We split up and headed back in our respective
hotel rooms, because Chili needed to wash her hair. Now when Chili washes her
hair, it’s a major undertaking, complete with ritualistic attire (a sarong
from Tahiti). Heeler and I amused ourselves as best we could while Chili washed
and then rolled up her hair.
When finally we were ready to go to the other
room, we found that our friends were in bed! They revived, though, and we watched
Gladiator. I will not even go into Chili’s reaction to the Max/Lucilla
kiss. Suffice it to say - TMI!
After the three of us had gone back to our own
room, our serious discussion from dinner continued. We got louder and louder
in our passionate conversation (and there was crying as well…that would
have been me). It was around four thirty in the morning, and apparently the
man in the next room didn’t appreciate our need for therapy. He called
our room and told us to shut up. How rude.
Chili:
This is a new facet of you.
Zenith: You
have not yet begun to see my facets.
(On finding
out that Zenith does a pretty decent Australian accent -- or at least
she can say “togitha“ and “whativah” REALLY well.)
|
I AM NOT. PERKY.
Throughout the week, different people
kept getting on my nerves by making references to my being a “perky blonde.”
They’d say something disparaging about “perky blondes” and
then say, “No offense, Miss Perky Blonde.” Well, I hadn’t
taken offense originally because I don’t put myself in the category (blonde,
yes, but I never think of myself as perky). But I did take offense to the Miss
Perky Blonde title, because when someone says that it makes me think “bimbo.”
I tried to explain to them that I don’t consider myself perky. “I
am the opposite of perky,” I said. “I am...MOROSE!” Since
I am decidedly not morose, that set off gales of laughter, and it became our
joke that Chili is shy and prudish, I’m morose, and Heeler is repressed.
We’re big fans of irony.
DAY SEVEN - Thursday the 16th
Thursday morning, we were still sleeping when
Gnicole came to say good-bye. Bleary-eyed and hungover, we hugged her and sent
her off to the airport with Kikki. Her departure left only Kikki and Maki in
the other room, so we decided to combine into one room.
Kikki went and
explained to the judge the circumstances under which we had gotten the parking
ticket, and she did not have to pay the ticket, to our great joy.
While we were walking
down 6th street, we passed a deli. Heeler grabbed me, mumbling something about
dark hair and piercing blue eyes, and pulled me back to walk by it again. It
was FULL of hottie policemen. Heeler and I walked by over and over, until our
embarrassed friends insisted that we move on.
Heeler
says: I think
we had to run about half a block to catch them. But it was worth it. *grin*
LIVE MUSIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
...And they ain’t kidding. Heeler and I
wanted to buy Lucinda Williams’ Essence, so we headed over to Waterloo
Records. While we were there, there was a live concert (this was the middle
of the afternoon on a weekday), and they were giving out free beer. (!!!) The
live music title is no exaggeration - we even saw a band playing in a parking
garage one night.
DEJA FOOL
Kikki had lost her cell phone at some
point during the day. We sat in the parking lot of Waterloo Records, while Kikki
stood outside the minivan, using Chili’s cell phone to track down her
phone.
All of a sudden, a man jumps down
off the embankment behind the store. He’s wearing dress pants and a white
dress shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. He walks behind the van and up to the
sidewalk that runs in front of the store.
“Oh. my.
God,“ says Chili. “That was my ex-whatever.”
It is the most incredibly bizarre
coincidence. We knew that he lived in Austin, and that there was a possibility
that we would run into him at one of the popular resturants or clubs. But jumping
down from an embankment behind a store, where we just happened to be parked?
Truly unbelievable.
We had arranged
to meet Cabrio, a friend of Kikki and Chili’s (from a chat room) at the
Omni, and we did that...then moving to the Iron Cactus for drinks and appetizers.
We went to Cabrio’s room
to watch the Leno appearance, screaming like teenagers at appropriate points,
and driving the rest of the hotel guests crazy, I’m sure.
"You
are grasping at stupidity and you just grabbed a handful!"
--- Heeler
(On
her own tendency to see black SUV's everywhere.)
|
That night we had to
use my air mattress for the first time, since we now had five people in the
room. We had trouble getting the foot pump to work, so Heeler ended up blowing
up the air mattress herself. And of course, she was “working it”
and we got lots of blackmail-worthy pictures as well as the answer to the question,
“Does Heeler spit or swallow?”
Heeler says: I
don't know why you would make a big deal out of someone being helpful. I can't
help it if I'm orally inclined. Nevertheless, the mattress had a leak and I
ended up sleeping on the floor when it deflated in the middle of the night.
Another example of people poking fun at me, despite my kind and
generous nature.
CONFESSIONS OF A TOFOG JUNKIE
When I started to dabble in this drug called TOFOG,
I told myself I could handle it. I wasn’t like those other people -- I
can quit at any time.
I said I would never stand in line all day, not
even for several hours, to get close to the stage. And for the first two shows,
my resolve held. But the 10th...the 11th...my body adjusted and I needed something
more to get high. I gave in to peer pressure and agreed to stand in line. And
if we were going to do it, I said, we might as well go all the way. We decided
that we would stand in line beginning at 6:00 am on Saturday. I justified this
with a quote from the Drug Kingpin himself, “Some things just have to
be experienced.” The worst thing was, I felt no horror at this - in fact,
I felt only glee at my reprehensible behavior.
DAY SEVEN - Friday the 17th
Friday...uh...“morning” we drove
out to a barbecue place called Salt Lick for “lunch.” It was quite
a drive, and by the time we got there, it was around 4:00. Now, for those of
you keeping track at home, this was nearly 24 hours without any actual food
(the kind that doesn‘t come in a glass). Leaving Austin, we drove by Stubbs,
and found that PEOPLE WERE ALREADY STANDING IN LINE. We were very upset by this,
since we had thought that we would be second or third in line if we got there
at 6:00 the next morning. Now we were uncertain whether it would be worth it
to get in line at all.
After “lunch”
we met Roon & Hooly for drinks at the Intercontinental, then we all went
over to Stubbs and had a beer or two. When the concert started, however, we
(Heeler, Chili, Kikki, and I) decided that it really wasn’t our thing
(“acid reggae”) and we went to the Continental Club instead. Bastard
Sons of Johnny Cash was playing.
Chili and Kikki,
along with Maki, went to get our places in the Stubbs line-up, which ended up
being around the corner. Yes, there were that many people already in line at
2:00 am on Saturday. Kikki was going to come back for Heeler and me, and by
this point, I was so exhausted, I think I was swaying on my feet. I know I was
rubbing at my eyes a lot and saying to Heeler, “I have to go back to the
hotel.” Finally, Kikki came to get us and Heeler told her, “Zenith
has to get some sleep.” You know you’re tired when people are discussing
you and you just don’t care. Heeler and I went back to the hotel and all
of a sudden, I decided that I couldn’t stand the smell of smoke in my
hair, and I took a shower at 2:30 am, falling into bed with wet hair.
DAY EIGHT - Saturday the 18th
We slept until around 9:00, threw some clothes on, and Kikki
picked us up to go take our shift.
SOME THINGS JUST HAVE TO BE EXPERIENCED
Waiting in line was fun. It was a totally out-of-character
thing for me to do, and I don’t regret a minute of it.
In front of us was a young husband and wife, and
his sister, all from New York. Behind us were evikaez and catd41 from the Perch
(although they were not active members yet and we did not know them). Since
there were only 1-2 of them in each group at a time, we invited them into our
tent with us to get out of the hot sun.
Inside the tent, it wasn’t that bad, but
I was sitting at the edge of the tent and I didn’t realize that the sun
was coming in at an angle. I was wearing a tank top and my shoulders got *burned*.
(Of course I didn’t realize that until later.) Sometime in the afternoon,
Heeler and I went inside Stubbs go to the bathroom and get a beer. RM and Angel
were sitting at the bar and Dave Wilkins was one stool away from them, eating
lunch. Heeler and I ordered and stood there, talking to the three of them and
laughing when RM talked Dave into eating a bite of mashed sweet potatoes, when
suddenly this very strange woman wriggles onto the stool between Angel &
Dave, and then feigns shock that Dave is sitting there. LOL! She then monopolizes
him, while Heeler and I stand there and laugh our asses off at Dave, who is
(gently) making fun of the woman and she doesn’t even know it.
Although we were reluctant to leave the air conditioned
restaurant, we knew we had to go back out to our places, since kind people who
were not part of our group were holding our spot. As we walked out, Dave was
doing an interview on the sidewalk, with a TV station, and I took pictures of
him and of “tent city.”
Then he made his way around the line, saying thanks
to all the fans and shaking hands. We were told that he had been there since
7:00 that morning. While all of the guys were welcoming and appreciative, Dave
gets an A+.
A short time later, Kikki, Chili, and Maki came
to take our places so we could go back to the hotel and clean up.
We walked to the hotel, showered and got all ready.
We called Kikki and asked her to come and get us in the car, because it was
so hot, we would be sweaty again by the time we walked to Stubbs. She did, and
when we got there, they were starting to hand out wrist bands and form the line.
“You just missed Mark,” my friends tell me. Apparently he was standing
out on the corner for a long time, talking on his cell phone. They just like
to torment me.
Our tent, which had been a Godsend (or actually,
a Chili-send, since she bought it), now became a pain in the butt as we had
to drag it along with us in line. As we stood waiting, Russell and Mark rode
by on their Harleys, and some people snapped pictures. Two women who had taken
a picture started talking to the group in front of us about buying copies from
them. But long after the picture conversation was over, these women continued
to hang out with that group, as if they were part of it (which they were not).
These quasi-hootchies (if you don’t know the subtleties of hootchiedom,
I’ll explain it to you later) were committing the ultimate crime -- they
were trying to cut in line.
Evikaez and Catd40 were getting more and more
upset behind us as the women stayed longer and longer...finally, they went up
and confronted the women. When she saw that they were insisting that they were
with the group, Chili joined the confrontation, and from the look of her face,
I thought it might come to blows. Finally, the New Yorker guy with us said he
would go and get a security person. He came back with one, who took the women
aside and was talking to them. As we watched, their bodies language altered
from defensiveness to flirtatiousness...and we’re women, we KNOW what’s
going on.
The NY guy’s sister, who is not even a fan,
is infuriated by this. Her sense of justice is offended, and she is one pissed-off
New Yorker. You know what I’m saying? I don’t think I’ve ever
seen such a tiny woman throw such a big fit. She ran over to the security guy
and started reading the three of them the riot act. Her whole body was involved,
arms swinging, hair flipping...her sister-in-law was so concerned that the security
guard might throw her out, she went over and tried to pull her away from the
altercation. Nuh uh...she wasn’t done yet, and she shoved sis-in-law away,
until finally, sis-in-law grabbed her in a bear hug from behind, and literally
dragged her away, with Sis still screaming and struggling. She later apologized
to us, saying that she “has a bad temper.” LOL, she was our hero.
The security guard sent the quasi-hootchies to the back of the line. Heh.
![](russonbike.jpg) |
Russell
teases the fans at every concert with his patented slow motorcycle
ride past the crowds |
|
And then...it
was time. We got in, and we had intended to run as fast as we could down
to the front. But when we walked in, “MEDIUM?” someone yells
at me. I‘m startled, then realize they are handing out t-shirts, as
a package is thrust into my hands. Someone else holds out a bumper sticker
to me, and like a dumbass, I pause to take it. *smacks head* That bumper
sticker probably cost us a row. Running, skidding down the gravel slope,
we end up in the seventh body row. But we manage to gain some ground when
people leave because they are claustrophobic. Heeler nearly killed a woman,
and that helped too. |
Heeler
says: Sounds
like a Johnny Cash song. "I once almost killed a woman, just to watch her
drop."
We end up
in about the sixth body row. Kikki had told us that it was great being
down that close; she said that the good vibes spread through the crowd.
She was putting it mildly; what is was, was magic.
The hazy
hot air, the sweaty bodies pressed up against us on all sides. The crowd’s
palpable excitement growing as the recorded songs moved through their
now-familiar pattern. Every single person around us loudly singing “Land
Down Under,” unified in a zone where nothing else existed but the
moment. And then, once the band took the stage, that excitement channeled
and focused onto the performance...an experience like none other.
|
![](russaustin20002.jpg) |
When it was over,
no one wanted to leave. We hung around and some of the guys were signing autographs.
We stayed with the crowd, but we didn’t get any autographs. Chili wasn’t
with us, she was over at the picnic tables, drinking a Coke. I stood there in
the crowd, knowing that it was my last chance to speak to Mark. I decided that
I would wait until I got up close to the green room door, and ask the Stubb’s
guy to request that Mark come out to sign my DVD. (Yeah right, I would have
totally chickened out of that plan). I was getting myself psyched up for this
when Mark pops out of the green room and starts barreling down the sidewalk.
FOOM! I take off after him (like lightning, Kikki says). I’m literally
running down the sidewal, and when I get up behind him, I shriek, “MARK!”
He turns around and stops. I say, “Would you sign this for me?”
He says, “You don’t want me to sign that.” I insist that I
do. He takes it from me and then looks around like, well? I don’t have
a sharpie (I told you, I’m not an autograph person). I ask if anyone has
a sharpie and Kikki has a green one. I hand it to Mark and he frowns at the
DVD. “Should I sign it right on the front? It’ll wipe off.”
I start to say, “Maybe you should sign the liner,” but he is already
signing the front cover with the green sharpie. “It’s going to wipe
right off,” he says, attempting to wipe it off with his hand. I go into
the crowd and borrow a black sharpie from a stranger. Mark signs the DVD again.
He signs directly over Russell’s picture and his signature is formless.
It looks like he is trying to scribble Russ out. He signs DVDs for Kikki and
Heeler and a shirt for Kikki.
If I had it to
do over, when I realized I didn’t have a damn Sharpie, I would have dropped
the autograph excuse and told him I just wanted to say hi. I was a teensy bit
keyed up after the concert and not thinking very clearly. When I woke up the
next morning, I asked my roommates, “Did I chase Mark down the sidewalk?”
They, of course, assured me that I had.
Heeler says:
Face it, you FRIGHTENED him.
Zenith
says:
See? They never let up.
A short time later, much to our
surprise, Russell comes out and starts signing stuff. I had been committed to
my no-autograph policy (Mark was an exception because he’s not a celebrity),
but when faced with the situation, I vacillate. I think about whether I have
anything for him to sign. Chili has my shirt, and all I have is the DVD. I don’t
think it would be right to ask him to sign something that they are selling autographed
copies of, and I REALLY don’t want him to snap at me. He looks so tired;
his eyes are so puffy that they are just slits. I am struck by how beautiful
his hair is. It looks silky, and it is the most gorgeous cinnamon color. I stand
there for a few more minutes, watching, and then decide that my presence is
contributing to the pressure on him. I tell Heeler I’m getting out of
there, and she agrees and comes with me. We go and get Chili and walk out of
Stubbs’ backyard for the last time.
DAY NINE
- Sunday the 19th
WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE AUSTIN
The next morning, the
tone is completely different. We move slowly around the hotel room, quietly
packing our suitcases.
Gradually I gather
up my inhibitions, my responsibilities, my reasonable and logical behavior.
I make phone calls home to leave flight information and to check on my children.
I pack my things, I become quieter and more subdued. I shake out my cloak of
respectability. I prepare to re-enter my world, filled with so many “shoulds”
and “should nots.”
How to say goodbye?
We joke about renting a house together and we aren’t really joking, even
though we know it’s impossible. We go to Stubbs gospel brunch, a downcast
group. We have “boo-boo lips,” Kikki says. We laugh at that and
attempt to be cheerful.
How to
say goodbye? We ate, slept, sang, sweated, battled hootchies and line
breakers, and partied together. We crammed a lifetime of friendship into
nine days.
At the end,
we hug tightly and long, then walk quickly away, not looking back, before
the tears in our eyes trigger a flood in the others’.
|
![](solong.jpg) |
My
husband picks me up at the airport and my first question is about the temperature:
“Is it hot?”
I ask, thinking of the sauna I’ve just left. “It was hot in Austin.”
“It hasn’t
been hot here since you left,” he tells me.
“Always take
the weather with you.” I say.
“What?”
“A song...”
I say softly and smile to myself as I approach the sliding doors to my life.
all photos shamelessly stolen from
MaximumRussellCrowe
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