"Barbarians of the
Crowe Nation...KNEEL!
...and let us pray:
Our Lover,
who art in Coffs Harbour,
Russell Crowe be thy name;
Thy hunkdom come,
thy will be done,
with each of us individually;
Give us this day our daily *ahem*,
And forgive us our insane ramblings
as we forgive you for the whole Meg Ryan thing;
Lead us into temptation,
and deliver us from tabloid gossip;
For thine are the rippling biceps,
the muscular thighs, and the glorious
smile forever and ever. AMEN!!!!!"
Roon
General, Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds MB
(aided by the RSTCA Crowe Legion)
Blinded by
the Light of Truth
A penitent member of the flock returns
to the fold:
†
Bless
me, Russell, for I have sinned…
…against
you by taking your name in vain countless times
(…by repeatedly calling you various defamatory names I blush to list …);
I
confess to having been a backsliding sinner
(…by willfully believing what the tabloids reported instead of waiting patiently
and faithfully for the words of truth to fall from your own precious lips like
sweet droplets of honeyed balm upon my tortured soul…);
I
admit to having lost my faith
(…by wandering aimlessly in that black, gloomy labyrinth of doubt, believing that
your pure unfettered soul had been seduced by the seedy, decadent, shallow pleasures
of shopping for antiques and shopping for matching furniture and shopping for
silk Egyptian sheets and shopping for designer luggage in which to carry them
everywhere you go…);
I
am shamed by my blatant and relentless questioning of your integrity
(…by daily intoning the litany of "proof" as to the sale of your blessed soul
to Hollywood…);
I
am humbled by the wisdom of your silence
(…because, had you spoken out and told "the truth" as we have now come to know
it, you would have been crucified in the very tabloids that criticized you for
staying silent…);
I
have blasphemed and worshipped graven images
(...of George Clooney and Denzel Washington, of Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson; in
my utter despair at your presumed fall from grace, I turned to lesser gods for
proof of life...);
I
have been an unrestrained, vociferous and stubborn rebel, a sower of the seeds
of doubt and dissent
(...by wailing unceasingly to the heavens in disillusioned diatribes against your
blessed person, a lost soul of your congregation crying out in the wilderness
that is the blackened pit of tabloid poopery...); 
And finally…
Bless
me, Russell, for I have sinned
(…against you for cruelly chortling at your new-found passion for shopping, all
the while ignoring the obvious signs to the contrary, as you consistently and
faithfully appeared in photo after photo wearing the very same beloved well-worn
blue flannel shirt, little bitty white ankle socks, and beat-to-hell-and-back
sneakers…).
I bow before you humbly,
Oh Russell, and with weeping eyes and runny nose, accept my penance for the sins
I have committed against your blessed person: two sittings of "Hanging Up" and
at least one full viewing of "You've Got Mail."
Chili
Penitent Novitiate of the Sisters of Contrition
Barbarian of the Outback
Chat / Bitch-Femdog of Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds MB
Yet
Another Disclaimer: Now, obviously it was not,
and never will be, the intention of the site administrator to offend anyone with
anything posted to this page or any other. In fact, to avoid offending anyone
of any particular religious belief, I've deliberately mixed terms like "temple"
and "cathedral" or "church," using them interchangeably to avoid the
appearance of referencing any one denomination. Obviously I am a spiritual person
myself, or I wouldn't bother with a disclaimer. I also respect the rights of anyone
who chooses not to have any spiritual beliefs at all. OKAY? So don't send me any
lame bible-thumping emails telling me I'm going straight to hell... I'm sure I
haven't done anything in my life preventing me from stopping by Burger King on
the way so I can at least get a tall frosty Coke first. In closing, I also recognize
the very real probability that Russell Crowe is a deeply spiritual person and
might himself be offended. I hope not. For the record, I will do any penance he
suggests in order to atone for any unintentional offense.
This really shouldn't have to be said...
but sometimes people choose to ignore the obvious. Neither I nor any of my Sisters
in Crowe believe in any way, shape or form that Russell is God, is a god, is a
prophet, is a guru, is holy, is infallible, is perfect, wears a halo, has fleecy
wings under his flannel, walks on water, can cure diseases, has a hotline to the
Pope, can perform miracles, can bring dead people back to life (well...) or speaks
in tongues (other than having a fondness for saying "oopsie-poopsie," "owchewawa,"
"fan-bloody-tastic" and "fuck" a lot). We don't think his word is gospel, we can't
possibly believe that he's "pure" by any stretch, and we don't imagine that he'll
be canonized when he's done his time and left this mortal coil. None of this should
be necessary. But alas...
top
