Once there lived a young Nazi Jew African Dutch (we jest) boy named Kwant.

Kwant had a huge mum. Staggeringly huge she was.

We mean massive. Like really, really big.

No, bigger than that. Hands further apart.

No, think fuck-huge. We mean bigger than that.

Hideous in the extreme, she was of such unimaginable mass that she intefered with the nature of the universe on both a quantum and cosmological scale, especially near fridges, as she was very fond of chocolate.

Secretly, mass government funding was chenneled into a new project- the study of Kwant's mother in an attempt to find a way to stop her before her potential well sucked in the entire galaxy.

During the investigations, staggering facts were unveiled, shocking truths, sat-upon and squashed Mars Bars. (Was that advertising, I don't know?) These are the hitherto unrevealed secrets of this bizzre woman, the secrets of....