Tom & Matt's Wine Guide

There are several basic rules to purchasing and drinking a good wine.
We will give you these first and then go on to tell you our own personal favourites.

  1. If it's white, don't buy it. Only drink it if it's free.
  2. If it comes from Iceland, the Ukrain or Paraguay, don't buy it as these are unrecognised regions of the world for growing grapes.
  3. If it has a screw top, you haven't spent enough money yet, you tight bastard.
  4. If the desciption on the back says "This wine was specially selected...", you haven't spent enough money yet.
  5. If the vintage is anything less than 1995 you've spent way too much money. You could have bought an average bottle of wine and picked up a prostitute for less.

Drinking Guide:

  1. Starting with the most expensive wine you can lay your hands on. The evening is classified as "good" if each bottle tastes better than the last.
  2. Decork the bottle using a corkscrew. This seems a trivial point now, but is an invaluable later in the evening.
  3. Pour the wine into whatever recepticle comes to hand, in the order of;
    1. wine glass
    2. tumbler
    3. mug
    4. pint glass
    5. mouth
    6. your lover's mouth
    7. urinal
    8. flower bed
    9. bed
  4. Drink, unless 3E. Swallow unless 3F, or if you're a girl, spit if you don't like the taste. You're no less of a woman.
  5. Repeat until unconciousness sets in.
  6. Wake up, throw up, in that order.

Tom & Matt's Top Ten:

  1. That bottle of Vine Vale we're going to have tonight
  2. That bottle of Vine Vale we had last night
  3. Hardys 1995 Vintage
  4. Hardys Stamps Of Australia
  5. Chateau Neuf du Pape (any year)
  6. Leibfraumilch
  7. Blue Nun
  8. Pembroke Rouge
  9. Jacob's Creek
  10. Pembroke Blanc

Top Ten Hints & Tips:

  1. If it tastes like white wine vinegar, it generally is.
  2. Try not to cork the bottle.
  3. Try not to bottle your friends.
  4. If it's got a head, don't drink it (this includes Champagne).
  5. If it's white, down it.
  6. Invest in some nice wine glasses. They give your air of pretension so much more authority.
  7. Fruit mixers are a bad idea.
  8. We can't think of anything else.
  9. Neither can I.
  10. But if you've read this far, you should really get out more.
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