January 1999

January 5, 1999
Happy new year.
Today I feel like writing aimlessely, and without purpose. Bless those who read despite knowing this. :)
Bravery. I am learning new definitions of the word. The problem is, when does one cease being foolish and start being brave? Or vice versa?
For example, when one gives into their desire to be different, non-conforming, does he have bravery or is he simply foolish? A trouble-maker? I suppose it depends on his cause, or the conformity he is resisting.
What is appropriate? The boundary of what is appropriate is stretched, pushed back, I think when one is dealing with a trusted friend. An extra lattitude is granted, and actions are allowed w/o a suspicious look that would normally be given. But at the same time, this boundary is like a rubber band. It stretches, but no one is exactly certain how far. One thing is for certain, when the limit of the band's elasticity is found, it is often too late, and the friendship is damaged, perhaps irreparably.
Balance. As a loving friend, it is our duty to make certain that band doesn't over-extend. Either by us, or by our friend. Don't prod too deeply, or ask too much. Likewise, if your friend asks too much, go with it. For they are your friend, and would not ask too much if it wasn't important, or if they knew what they were doing. Or am I wrong? Is there an area where at last your friend can push to hard to long into and damage YOU so much that you are no longer capable of carrying on? Of course, as we are only human. Our limits are finite, and pain that would double us over if it were physical can only be endured so long.
January 9, 1999
Read between the lines, see my eyes
They are, as they say, a window
What praytell, my dear, does it mean
when those windows are black,
as though they have been burned
from the inside?
January 12, 1999
I wonder from time to time whether anyone actually reads this drivel. :)
Some heavy stuff happened along with some not so heavy stuff today, so I think I'll start with the not so heavy stuff and ease into it.
First of all, I've been contemplating building a humidor to keep a supply of your and my fav's, La Unica. Course then i would have to buy a supply which is quite honestly beyond my financial means. But the idea of a humidor is amusing to me. I have two ideas. A wooden box ( probably oak ) lined with cedar, large enough to hold 25 cigars. Inside dimensions like 9 x 8 x 5 or something. Other thought is just to by a cigar humidifier and put it in the wooden lid of a cookie jar. That'd be cheaper and easier given that I don't have good access to wood working tools. : )
Now the heavier situation.
I failed to get the summer hire job I wanted at the Celenese plant where I live. I am now considering an internship. This could really be anywhere in the country, and I'd do it this summer. The pay and experience would be good, but I have to ask myself, do I really want to go so far away from everything I know so soon? It seems so wild. Well, Dad is kinda the gatekeeper..If dad says it's okay, then I'll pray about it. It's exciting, but a little scary.
January 14, 1999
Just to bring a little closure to the last post, I was not able to try for an internship ( Dad said no ). So I no longer have to worry about that.
I was lying awake last night in bed, and I was very sad because of a friendship that has just recently come undone. It is a wise man who is able to discern the appropriate time to bare all and let the truth flow. Be aware that I do not intend for anyone to lie. Not at all. What I mean is that sometimes there are stress points to a friendship, and by letting out a simple truth, one that is not even bad or hurtfull, you press one of those points until the bond breaks.
I have noticed this lately in one of my relationships with a very special person in my life. We were once very good friends..talked about any and every thing, prayed and cried a little for one another. But I feel as though an admission on both our parts has put a wall or some distance between us, and neither of us has really made any move to rectify the situation. I wonder if my friend has sensed this. I can hardly blame that person because I have only now picked up on it. I can really only regret and wonder exactly how to mend the break. If I confront my friend with this, who can predict the reaction? What if the wall is very much real, and by confronting, I only make my friend realize I have at last seen the wall, and they distance themselves further? I think that is not the case at all..but it is hard to say. I do know that I miss my friend.
January 17, 1999
I am now at Lubbock, back at school. Christmas break is over. Classes start Tuesday, in two days.
Speaking of classes..I bought my books yesterday. One of them is for a class called Intro to Chemical Processing. The book is really scary looking, and it looks like a CRC reference on the outside..I think this is a weed out class because I know a lot of people drop chemical engineering after their freshman year, so I'm praying about it. But at the same time, and I'm excited, because I feel like that this is the first bit of meat that we are going to receive as chemical engineering students. Last semester we all just took math and chemistry and a class to familiarize us with various software packages we'll be using. Now we actually start studying chemical engineering.
Yesterday there was a high school speech tournament on campus, so I got to see my friends from high school who came. One of them told me that she appreciated the fact that I could be a gentlman. I would hate to admit that she was right, because when she sees this, she'll email me and gloat, because she's just like that *grin*. So I guess I won't.
I just completed my resume that I'm going to hand over to Celenese ( a local chem plant ) so maybe I can get a job this summer.
Anyway, I think that's it. Well, it's not quite. Those of you who know me well, or who read the above poetry and understand it, are familiar with the difficulties I have had. I don't think any problems worthy of the name have instant solutions. They just have positive and negative directions. That is, your thoughts, attitudes, and actions..namely your humility and the softness of your heart. Anyway, the point is, and I do have one, is that I can tell when I'm moving in a positive or negative direction. And last night I moved in a positive way. That may not sound like much, but it is.
January 22, 1999
It's been a while since I last posted anything here because my computer has been broken. But now it is fixed, so that is good, and I am once again able to write, though the longer I think about it, the less I believe that anyone is actually reading any of this.
Friendships. I'm back on that. Because I'm still wondering what happens to them. Friendships that seem strong and beautiful just whither up and die for no apparent reason. I wish I understood, so that perhaps I could prevent it.
January 29, 1999
School has become difficult, and that's all there is to it. I discovered the other day that I do have a small audience, and I was complimented on my efforts. So I suppose I could continue writing. Soon ( now, if I wasn't lazy ) I'll fix this so it's a little easier to navigate, and I'll begin posting the time of the last update at the top.
January 30, 1999
I stand alone and watch the clock
I only wait for it to stop
And in the room, locked up inside me,
Cut up magazines remind me..
I sit and wait alone in my room

And in my room against the wall
There is a picture very small
A photograph I took some years ago
It shows a picture of the room I know
I sit and wait alone in my room

The walls are white and in the night
the room is lit by electric light

I stand alone and watch the clock
I only wait for it to stop
The doors are shut, and all the windows lock
The only sound is from the clock
I sit and wait alone in my room.

The walls are white and in the night
the room is lit by electric light
from "In My Room" by Yazoo (known more commonly as Yaz)
January 31, 1999
Technically, it's February 1, but only by a few minutes, and I don't feel like starting a new file..so I figure so long as I'm honest it'll be okay.
Due to the fact that I really don't know who is reading this, indeed, it is publically accessible(it's on the web) I am forced to limit what I say on this subject.
Basically, a "friend" of mine grieves me in a way. You've heard of head knowledge as opposed to spiritual understanding when it comes to the Bible? My friend is a pristine and perfect example of this. Scriptually, my knowledge simply cannot compare to his. He knows the scripture, he knows how to apply it, he knows the angles..but he doesn't understand it. Not spiritually. I truly hurt for him because all the Bible is good for is a hobby or propping up a table if you can't accept it as God's word. In a way, (I've been through this) having a mere head knowledge of the word can lead to a lot of hurt and feelings of inadequacy. You get all of the judgement with none of the realization that Christ has died to save you from just that..
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu