July 2000
July 6, 2000
I had something all profound to write about, and I actually wrote most of it earlier today, but now I don't care to type it all out. It was mostly just me trying to sound smart again.
I was doing some reading today again in The Pilgrim's Progress. I am continually amazed at just how perceptive Bunyan was. Reading that book is similar to reading Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. A pointed indictment of self is made on every page. With Lewis, it is still possible to nervously laugh. While reading Bunyan, on the other hand, one is afraid for their soul.
I highly recommend the book to anyone who hasn't read it.
July 16, 2000
This has been a slow month, I know. It has been a blissfully uneventful time for me. I love it when I don't have anything to write about. It means my life is peaceful.
I did see X-men. I recommend it.
I have thought a bit about how this site could be remodeled, but at this point, I don't care to go through with any of the ideas I've had. Not enough people visit it to make me care. : )
You know, it suddenly occured to me that I shouldn't have entries like these. They aren't even a little interesting. I ought to copy and paste the interesting entries to somplace else. Or perhaps put links at the top of each month to the interesting bits. That's a real idea.
July 18, 2000
I am on the verge of doing something that I have promised myself I would not do for nigh on two years. It isn't the sort of thing that is directly wrong in and of itself. It's just contrary to one of the personal standards I unfortunately keep for myself. You know, the sort of rule that isn't Godly, the sort of rule that permits me to look down my nose at other people when they fail to adhere to it.
I put that face on it, but I'm not sure it deserves it. I've been praying about this decision for around three weeks now, and I don't have anything but a good feeling about it. I contrast this to a similar sort of impasse I faced at the beginning of summer; I prayed about it and my heart was definitely changed on the matter.
I feel like I have a "green light." But do I really? Mightn't I just be putting a positive spin on it because it's something I want? The question at the beginning of summer would seem to settle the issue, except for two things. One, at that time, though I wanted something on the surface, I think I knew deep down that it was unwise.. God did change my heart, but I think mostly he brought the deeper parts into agreement with the shallower. He assured me that what I thought was wise was, in fact, wise. I just don't know what's wise in this case, though. The only "wisdom" I have comes from doubts and fears, the rationality of which I've been questioning for months. Two, as I mentioned before, there was a real change in what I wanted out of the situation. But there hasn't been a change, this time. I am not able to stand back and say that God has spoken to me with clarity.
The only encouragment here is that if I decide to follow what may ultimately be the more destructive path, it would be something I could easily back out of. It isn't a one way or the other sort of decision at this point.
This is probably one of the most muddled posts here. Forgive.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu