May 2001
May 1, 2001
Classes ended yesterday. It was less exciting than I expected, but I'm still glad to be out of this rotten semester.
I'm probably going to get a C in chemstry. I haven't gotten a C since I was in elementary school. And then it hardly counts.
I'm nervous about moving far, far away this summer. All the way to Baton Rouge. That's only about 800 miles from my home, but that's about 600 miles further away than I've lived before. That isn't what bothers me though. What bothers me is that it will be in an apartment that I've never seen with people I barely know (Three of us total. I've only met one of the other guys).
New Orleans, which has such a fantastic reputation as a place of mind-boggling immorality is actually not much of a concern for me. I've turned down (many) offers in the past to go "party." I don't think it'll be hard for me now.
Praise God because I have such wonderful friends! I know that friends are hard to come by, but I have about 3 in mind that are a real source of Godly encouragment. I hope that some day I will walk as closely with the Lord as these people.
I know that last part was random, but was on my mind.
May 6, 2001
I feel like I really messed up. I'm not sure why I feel that way more now than any other time. What I did wasn't so bad compared to a lot of the other things I've done. But it hurts, just the same.
I did learn a lesson, though. It's the sort of lesson I needed to learn. I can only hope that it remains branded in my mind.
May 9, 2001
Finals are over. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm taking time out of packing up to write this.
Life really is a tragedy. It's a yearning and striving for something better. We aren't even striving to be satisfied - We wouldn't even know what real satisfaction is like. We are really searching for what we imagine meaning must taste like. We long for a single point of pure white light. So we flit from sickened yellow lamp to sickened yellow lamp, finding each time that what we inwardly groan for has yet again eluded us. Those children of the world who would find peace must imbibe in illusion, or in neverending despair, having decided that light doesn't exist.
May 17, 2001
I gave blood for the first time yesterday. I don't know why I've waited so long to do it. It seems like such a silly thing not to do. It isn't hard, it doesn't hurt (too much), it doesn't take long, it's free, and it really helps people out. How can you withhold something that will save someone's life, but that doesn't cost you anything directly?
Anyway.
My feelings are a jumble today, just as they so frequently are when I am forced to consider a certain issue (An issue that will remain un-named). What to do, what to do. Sometimes I think I am sure of the answer, and what I want is getting in the way of what's wise. Other times I think I'm just being arrogant, and that I don't really know the answer. Of course, these two sets of ideas are aimed at one another, and react to one another. As I experience each one in turn, my heart attempts to prove to me that the other sensations are really in error.
On the one hand, when I feel I am currently taking the wisest course of action, I dismiss thoughts that I am arrogant by claiming to myself that I'm really only being prudent, and that I'm only making these accusations to force myself to wallow in foolishness a little longer because it feels good. I think that perhaps this is God's will for my life, because I think I am taking great pains to ignore my (misguided) desires in favor of thinking things through.
On the other hand, when I think I ought to leave off of what I'm currently doing and make some changes.. that's when I really do think I'm too arrogant for assuming that I understand things so well. Maybe, I think, I really am being arrogant, and I don't understand the situation as fully as I ought.
Great God, grant your grace to me!
May 21, 2001
As is somewhat common, my real problem was a little different than the one I thought I had. (see May 17). God did grant me grace to see it.
I ought to write a bunch of book reviews for the things I've read. I thought of that because I'm currently reading a book called, "The Pleasures of God" by John Piper. It's an incredibly good book. The first 2/3 of it are just about God and what He finds pleasure in. The chapters are called things like, "God's pleasure in Creation," "God's pleasure in election," "God's pleasure in His fame," and etc. This is the second book written by Piper that I've read. I would recommend him to anyone.
Anyway. :)
May 23, 2001
"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all, in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now. For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:4-6, NASB.
An unforunate consequence of free will is the ability to somehow lose one's salvation. That's a pretty frightening thought. A friend of mine confided in me (and I in him) that he sometimes used to worry about his future. Would he always love God, or could something happen in his life that would so shake his foundation that he would lose his faith, and consequently, his salvation?
The worries are tied up in this question: If we are faithless, is God still faithful?
I think the Bible is clear on this.
"if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
2 Timothy 2:13 NIV (The version switch was arbitrary)
That IS good news! The ground of salvation isn't in us! We didn't do anything to earn it! Why should we suppose that once God has granted his saving grace to us that he would take it away again on our authority? It simply makes no sense outside of scripture, and it certainly seems to make even less within.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu