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THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

* You kiss your girlfriend's home page. * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment. * And even your night dreams are in HTML. * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com. * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. * You refer to your age as 3.x. * You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. * Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. * You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms. * You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html * You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address. * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. * Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. * You forget what year it is. * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." * You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's hadme, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

*A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early!
*Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
*When I was a kid, I played in the sandbox but the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
*When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ..but he pulled through.
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
*I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
*Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
*On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
*I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
*I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
*My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
*When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
*I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Yesterday:

USA Today reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense,and couldn't drive.

More Jokes
Airplane
Night Out
Ships and Boats
Kids
How To Make A Woman Happy
One Liners
Florist Friars

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