Well, ladies and gentleman, here are some jokes I have discovered along my trip in life. I probably shouldn't put some of these up, because of content, but, I find them too funny and need to share them with you all. If you have any jokes that would add humor to my homepage, please e-mail them to me and I will put them on here. Enjoy *s*.
15 Reasons why a beer is better than a woman:
1. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
3. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
4. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5. If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head.
6. Hangovers go away.
7. When you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
8. A frigid beer is a good beer.
9. Beer is always wet.
10. You can share a beer with your friends.
11. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
12. A beer always goes down easy.
13. You know you're always the first one to pop a beer.
14. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
15. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A few blonde jokes that I can remember:
1. How do you change a blondes mind? Blow in her ears.
2. If a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Clause all jumped off a 10 story building, who would hit the ground first, and why? The brunette, the other two don't exist.
3. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
4. What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? Their feet.
5. What do blondes do after sex the next morning? Go home.
Men jokes
1. How many men does it take to change the toilet paper? Don't know, it's never been done.
2. How many men does it take to put down the toilet seat? Again, it's never been done.
3. What is the difference between men and a U.S. savings bond? A savings bond will mature. (Credit to Angel Face)
4. Why do bankers make better lovers. They know the penalty for early withdrawal. (Credit to Angel Face)
5. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
6. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
7. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
8. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
9. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
10. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
12. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What's the difference between men and E.T. ? E.T. phoned home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do Scottish wear kilts...... Because sheep can hear zippers.
Two clowns were out in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first clown thought they were deer tracks, while the second clown insisted that they were elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. only fifty cents!"
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk,
she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. she looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,... gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "...but Bertha here has seniority!"
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor,
I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
One day at the end of school, little Billy's teacher gives the assignment to go home and think of a story to tell the class, and then conclude with telling the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "The moral is: Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last time only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher again asks for the moral of the story, to which Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Next, little Billy raises his hand. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory, which really upset him. He ejected before it crashed with only a picture of his wife, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down he was shot at, and the picture was destroyed, which really ticked him off. To make things worse, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks at Billy practically in a state of shock. "BILLY!!! WHAT possible moral is there in telling that TERRIBLE story?!?"
Billy replies quite seriously, "Don't MESS with uncle Ted when he's in a bad mood!"
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, Dogbyte: You may date my daughter!
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The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
A man is driving home late one afternoon, well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it, and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck...and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"
Things not to say when you get pulled over by a police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't notice my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to stay with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
One more thing not to say when you get pulled over:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my beer, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. One butthole is enough."
4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God that someone asked you."
5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
7.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative.
She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
8.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
9.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
10.) A girl once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?"
She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
11.)"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
12.)You catch a man staring at you....... Woman: Take a picture it will last longer...
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Internal Affairs...
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? "I'll be home in twenty minutes.
Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper---"Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton"
Why does Clinton wear woolen boxer shorts? They keep his ankles warm.
How did 500 women, sampled at random, respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!"
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? He just bends over the pages!
Why does Bill drink so much coffee? He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff.
Why is there no proof of misconduct? She swallowed the evidence.
Who's handling the case? Intern-al Affairs.
What's the difference between Watergate and Fornigate? This time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff? She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.
Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.
What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's dinghy? "The Titanic" - because over 1500 went down on it.
What was yesterday's Washington newspaper headline? Bush Beats Clinton.
What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? The Unibanger.
What's the difference between Gennifer, Paula, Monica & Hillary? The first three prefer to sleep with men.
Why is Hillary upset? She may have been the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST
What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22,1998? "Bill... Goats don't talk!!"
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition... I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery
What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was throw in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
Why do most sheep herders like high cliffy places to keep their sheep? Way up there, the sheep will push back.
ADVANCED COURSES FOR WOMEN - SPRING '99 1. Silence, The Final Frontier - Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking - Making Deposits
3. Parties - Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management - Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I - Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II - His Razor Is His
7. Communication Skills I - Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
8. Communication Skills II - Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III - Getting What You Want...Without Nagging
10. Telephone Skills - How To Hang Up
11. Water Retention - Fat or Fact
12. Cooking I - Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs & Butter
13. Cooking II - Bran & Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
14. Cooking III - How Not To Inflict Your Diets On Others
15. Compliments - Accepting Them Gracefully
16. PMS - YOUR PROBLEM, NOT HIS
17. SEX - IT'S FOR MARRIED COUPLES TOO
18. Classic Clothing - Wearing Outfits You Already Have
19. Dust - A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
20. Oil & Gas - Your Car Needs Both
21. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
22. TV Remotes - For Men Only
23. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion
24. Lesbian Fantasy - The Perfect Gift For The Holidays
Sign up as soon as you can
IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
"Mr. President" by Dr. Seuss (!!!) I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
AIR DISASTER Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Well, these are all the jokes I can think of for now. Again, if you know any good ones, let me know so I can add them. And just to say for the record, to prevent any copyright infringements, I did not make up any of these jokes. I don't know who did, but, they do not belong to me.
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