Brand New Humor Update


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Part One

 

Top 10 Uses for the Bible
 
 

1.Recycle it. Be earth-friendly.

2.Rip out the pages and use them to line the bottom of your bird's cage.

3.Rip out the pages & shred them to make confetti for gay weddings.

4.Skip the religious and moral stuff and just read the pornographic parts, like Ezekial 27.

5.Distribute copies of it in Iran, then run for your life.

6.Write in inappropriate comments & exceptions, highlight weird parts, and illustrate the most bizarre passages, and then sneak the Bibles into churches or libraries.

7.If you have a Bible with a huge, thick cover, use it to fashion knee pads for rollerblading (especially if you're really bad and keep falling down, because you wouldn't want to scrape up something valuable like real knee pads.)

8.Cut out some bizarre Bible passages and put them inside fortune cookies.

9.Use the Bible as a coaster to put your beer down on. Try to make all the spills and ring-shaped stains form the image of Jesus.

10.If you're ever stranded outdoors and threatened by frostbite and hypothermia, burn it! And who says you can't be saved by the Bible?


Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
50 Fun Things For Non-believer To Do In Church

1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
Part Two

21 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins


1.Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2.Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8.Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9.Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11.The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12.Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16.The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17.Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19.The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20.The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21.The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

!!NEW!!


The Ideology and Religion Shit List

Agnosticism- What is this shit?
Agnosticism- Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens, maybe not.
Altruism- Let me give you my shit.
Americanism- Who gives a shit?
Amishism- Shit dost occur.
Anal Retentivism- Keep your shit to yourself.
Anglicanism- Our shit doesn't stink.
Apathism- I don't give a shit.
Archimedesmism- If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit.
Aristotlism- Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape.
Aristotlism (2)- Shit is real.
Asatru- If shit happens, blame it on Loki.
Atheism- I don't believe in this shit.
Atheism (2)- There is no shit.
Baptism- You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished.
Baptist Fundamentalism- Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Blondism- I'm stupid as shit.
Branch Davidianism- Shit burns.
Buddhism- If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Bushism- Read my lips, no new shit.
Calvinism- Man is nothing but shit.
Capitalism- Shit happens, and it'll cost you because that's MY shit.
Carmensandiegism- Where in the world is that shit happening?
Catholicism- Shit happens to you because you are BAD.
Chauvanism- We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
Chestertonianism- Shit is the farthest thing from shit.
Christian Fundamentalism- The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.
Classical Marxism- The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.
Clintonism- I didn't inhale the shit!
Commercialism- Let's package this shit.
Communism- Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit. Confucianism- Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Creationism- ...And the Lord said "Let there be shit"...
Daffy Duckism- It's *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine!
Darwinism- This shit evolved.
Deja Vuism- I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure.
Dianeticsism- Even shit can make money.
Donism- I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse.
Dyslexianism- Hits shapnep.
Egoism- I AM the shit!
Employerism- This shit is your fault.
Energizer Rabbitism- Shit happens... and happens... and happens...
Environmentalism- Recycle this shit.
Euphemism- Caca happens.
Evangelicalism- I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit.
Evangelicalism (2)- God has a wonderful plan for your shit.
Evolution- Shit is getting better all the time!
Existentialism- Shit doesn't happen; shit just is.
Feminism- Men are shit.
Garbagism- I dump your shit.
Geocentrism- Our shit is the center of the cosmos!
Green Peaceism- Save this Shit.
Hare Krishnaism- Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama.
Hedonism- Shitting is pleasure.
Hinduism- This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life.
Hippyism- Make peace with shit.
Hitchhikerism- The answer to all this shit is 42.
Interrigationism - 'Ve have 'vays of making you shit!
Islam - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Jehovah's Witnessism- Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Judaism- Why does this shit always happen to us?
Kinisonism- Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo!
Libertarianism- Keep your hands off my shit.
Lutheranism- Catholicism is shit.
Marie Antoinette'ism- If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead.
Marvinism- Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit.
Materialism- Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Mathematicism- Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D
Josh McDowell-ism- Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop.
Josh McDowell-ism (2)- Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage.
McCarthy-ism- Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit?
Mormonism- God sent us this shit.
Murphism- Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.
Neil Armstrongism- This is one small shit for me, but a giant heap for mankind.
Neitzscheism- A man without a shit is not a man.
Neitzscheism(2)- Shit is dead!
Occultism- We eat our shit.
Paganism- Shit is part of nature and makes things grow.
Patriotism- Give me liberty, or give me shit!
Patriotism(2)- Give me shit, or give me death!
Perotism- We're in deep shit.
Pee-Weeism- You can't arrest me for that shit!
Politically Correctism- Nutritionally Corrected Output happens.
Pragmaticism- It may be shit, but it works.
PTL Club- Send us your shit.
Republicanism- We earned our shit.
Quayleism- Shite happense.
Rastafarian- Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
Satanism-Become your own shit
Satanism(2)-There is no shit in glory bright...
Satanism(3)-SHIThamforash!
Sherlock Holmes- I know where this shit came from.
Shi'ite Moslem- When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie.
Stoacism- Shit happens -- deal with it.
Twelve-Step Meetings- God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit.
Unix- Shit Happened. Core dumped.
Utilitarianism- Let's make the best of this shit.
Waldoism- Where *is* that little shit?


Part Three




!!NEW!!

Christmas is here!

I found this text on Maledicta msg board, and I think We all will enjoy it. Thus WHOEVER wrote it, THANK YOU!

57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pa. 11:51 p.m., December 24th. "We're too late! It's already been here." "Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing." "Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care." "You really think someone's been here?" "Someone, or something." "Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake." "Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal." "It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'" "It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list." "Who? What are you talking about?" "Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year,near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite." "But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?" "Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive--and in a hurry." "It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained." "It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse." "But why would they leave it milk and cookies?" "Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding." "But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry." "Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace." "Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there." "But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?" "You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?" "Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father." "Impossible." "I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!" "I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files." "Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knowswhen you're awake." "But we have no proof." "Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red." "But that was a meteor shower." "Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night." "Mulder, I--" "Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?" "On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter." "The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."