Well, the planning has finally begun, as the photo below of our brilliant organizing committee hard at work proves, for the fifth edition of the esteemed G.A.S.P. Tournament, June 12 - 14, 1998.  

Seldom an evening at darts would pass without the two (sorry, three) organizers questioning each other as to the progress of the event.  Possibly only the Masters Tournament receives as much attention as the G.A.S.P, and it is only a matter of time before the likes of C.B.S., T.S.N., and E.S.P.N., come courting for the rights to broadcast this event.  I foresee the day when footage of the G.A.S.P. will appear on “The Play of the Day” on E.S.P.N. (or at least an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries”.) 
 Early betting out of Nevada has been slow, but recent remarks by “new” team captain Lyle Faichuk should stimulate activity.  Accusing fellow captains Jack Stonehouse and Doug Bader as being “overrated and undertrained ‘flashes in the pan’”, this young, hairless David had been sighted spending many late-night hours at a local driving range, honing his slicing skills, and practicing trophy acceptance speeches.  However, paralleling the recent decline in performance by his icon, Tiger Woods, this reporter suspects that the best rounds for Lyle are in his past, and the smart G.A.S.P. golfer with be looking to team up with a true Goliath this year.  Besides, if he does end up on the winning team, does anyone think they will ever take the trophy away from Lyle?  Would they want to? 
 One thing that our tournament is lacking is a logo.  Lyle checked into the cost of having the logo prepared for transfer to golf shirts, etc., and it was over $60.  If we come up with a logo and spend this money, we could use the logo over and over again.  I suggest everyone interested make a submission, and that we judge these works at the G.A.S.P. this year.

Course Preview

    Pheasantback Golf and Country Club should prove to be a great equalizer in the skill level of most golfers attending this year.  I suspect this course was once a lake, which recently was partly filled in with top soil from neighboring fields, giving the appearance of a large green water snake working its way across its native habitat.  Leave the new balls at home, and bring plenty of ‘experienced’ ones instead.  This may be the ideal time for Jim to provide each player with a crate of “Corlac-XL”-balls for the tournament.  (Goodness knows some of us would sure like to get something out of that company!) 
     All kidding aside, this is a new course 10 km north of Stettler on highway 56, and 3 km west on highway 601.  The 18-hole, par 71 course, measures 6104 yards from the blue markers.  The cost is below $30 per round, and a driving range is available to work out the bugs.  A great way to visit the course is over the internet.  Check out the course (at the golf site) at www.alberta.com.  (I hope this is correct - I never bookmarked the site, and am just going from memory.)  You can take a virtual tour of the course, with photos of the tee box, fairway, and green, of every hole.  The score card and other information is also available at this site.  More details of the course, prices, and camping (which is very close to the course) are forthcoming in the next edition. 
 

Club CareWith Dave Stengler

   Most every golfer has at one time reached 
into their bag looking for the perfect club for 
the next shot, only to find that you don’t own 
the perfect club (or have left it on some other 
course).  Don’t despair; instead, try this little trick I have used several times in the past. 
     Find a tree stump off to the side of the fairway.  (I prefer to play in the trees lining the left or right side of the fairway just so that I don’t have to spend unnecessary time looking.)  Hold the club firmly by the grip, and strike the club face against the tree stump several times, as in the figure.  Be sure that the club head strikes the stump, not the shaft.  (Note:  In a future article I will explain how to play shots around trees by modifying your shafts, again using tree stumps.)  You will have to decide whether you need to open or close the club face for your next shot, which will determine if the face is up or down at impact. 
     At first you may have trouble obtaining the correct angle for your shot, but this will come with practice.  Indeed you may even hear me striking my clubs in the trees many times before the ball returns to the fairway.  I have found that the ideal time to practice this trick is around midnight, outside the clubhouse.  Many a golfer will have left their clubs outside while they imbibe several pints of their favorite beverage, and will not hear the sound of their best three iron becoming a five iron.  But a warning:  Don’t wear your golf shoes while modifying other peoples clubs!  The fleet-footed golfer will live to play another day. 

Ball Handling with 
Jim van der Sloot
 

Keep your golf balls as clean as you possibly can.  One overlooked heel mark can come back to haunt you for many years.  To be on the safe side, be sure to drop every tenth shot into a water hole so as destroy any evidence.  When at Pheasantback, let Candy,  the club professional,  wash and towel off your balls for you.

     A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP", and then he would swerve back on the road.  One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". 
     "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. 
     "No problem, Father!  I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck". 
     The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.  However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP"! 
     Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father.  I almost hit that lawyer". 
     "That's okay", replied the priest.  "I got him with the door! 
 

What do you call 145 white guys chasing one black guy?     (The U.S.P.G.A.) 
 

Top Three Things Not To Say To A Cop When You Get Pulled Over: 
 

3. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!  2. How long is this going to take?  Your wife is expecting me.  1. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to see me?