Well, it is time to waterproof your golf shoes and pack your camping gear for the Fifth Annual G.A.S.P. Golf Tournament, June 12, 13, and 14.  Jack and Malcolm (526-1018) have done everything to make this the best tournament ever, including keeping details secret from Jim until now.  In fact, the work has been so hard that Jack is unable to attend.  Perhaps Pheasantback is just a little too tough ... 

      Bring lots of balls this year.  Ten water holes come into play, with at least 16 shots over water during the 18 holes.  (The picture above is from the tee box of the Number 1 hole, which includes two shots over water.)  You can practice plunking balls into water at the aquatic driving range.  It is not a terribly long course, so we will probably play the blue markers (6104 yds versus only 5678 yds from the whites.) 
     On Friday, we have to do the course in two nine hole segments due to another tournament.  The first is at 9:00 a.m, and the second at 6:00 p.m.  Saturday and Sunday tee times are at 10:00 a.m.  The cost per round is $23 on Friday, and $28 on the weekend.  Carts are $25, and highly recommended from the number of hills and water holes I have seen.  The driving range is next to the parking lot. 

Where To Go

     Looking for the golf course?  Use the directions below and the accompanying map, and you shouldn’t have any trouble. 
     Travelling north on Hwy 56 you will find  Secondary Highway 601.  Travel west 3.2 km, and the golf course is immediately on your left.  Just look for the signs and the water!  The course is about 11 km outside of Stettler; the campground is further away.

     Campground space has been booked at 
Ol' MacDonald's Resort (photo below; 742 - 6603), on the south shore of Buffalo Lake.  If you are using Hwy 56, turn west on Secondary Highway 601.  (This will take you past the golf course.)  Travel west about 17 km, and turn north at the signs (about 5 km north of the 601 on a gravel road).  Also, it is about 11 km east of Hwy 21, if you come in that way.  According to the Internet, take Hwy 12 west from Stettler to Erskine.  Go north on Sec. 835 (gravel?), then go across Sec. 601 to the campground.  The cost is about $16 per night. 
     The campground features: 

Putting with Sideshow Mel

     Boy, I am sure everyone of us is fed up with missing those 2 to 24 inch putts ... goodness knows I am!  With a straight-edge, compass, and plumb bob, this need not be a problem anymore. 
     Say you are faced with a putt that breaks about 6 inches over 2 feet.  If you line up the ball about 6 inches to the left ... or is that lineup the hole to your right?  Forget that, and pretend that the ball is going to break to the left, and it is downhill to the hole.  If you line up to the right, and you know the ball will break 6 inches over the two feet, which makes an angle of about ... now what the hell is the formula I need?  Okay, forget the angle, if you imagine a straight line running from the hole to the ball and aim to the left about ... or try looking at it from side angle and ... damn, you know what I am talking about!  Can’t you see it?  Do you people need me to tell you everything?  What makes you think ... 
     (Editor’s Note:  Unfortunately, at this point Sideshow Mel lost all control, and while waving a lit cigarette around my office caused a stack of paper to ignite.  The fire caused extensive damage to my office and the building.  Happily, the doctors predict the firemen should make a complete recovery, and Sideshow appears to be adapting to life with Prozac.) 

Logo and Lost Ball Contest

     We still need a logo for our golf shirt, caps, etc.  If you have any ideas be sure to bring them with you to the G.A.S.P. 
     Some of us have discussed keeping a map of the course with all of our lost balls marked on it.  Keep track of lost balls during your rounds (number lost and where on the hole).  Someone will have to help Mark with this. 

“Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmates” 
• Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 
• Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 
• Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 
• Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly. 
• Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus." 
• Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 
• Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 
• Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out   a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the    fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. 
• Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 
• Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little   too small.  Now what am I gonna do?" 

Corlac Golf Carts

     Looking for a smooth ride?  Tired up bouncing up and down on a cold, hard golf cart seat?  Corlac Golf Carts (a division of Corlac Oilfield Leasing) has developed a cart that will keep your cheeks warm, your balls lively, and your shafts straight and true.  Mechanics Jim and Tony check each cart for handling, agility, smoothness of ride, and comfort, both in forward and reverse. 

     Give the model(!) above a test  ride while at Pheasantback, and you’ll never walk  another course.  However, you may have trouble walking back to your car in the parking lot.  (Must be 18 or over to use; please check with your doctor before using.)