some good one liners... A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!" Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. "I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a real drag." When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunky dunk. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. They told me I was gullible and I believed them. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew". Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee. Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace. Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores. I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in. How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words. The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime. You know times are tough when the school system is recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court. Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other. When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any. I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.