White


The cold air stung my face as I walked towards my Mom's car. Alone and hurting, I opened the car door and got inside. Fumbling for the keys, I began to cry. As the tears ran down my cheek, I started the engine. For ten minutes, I stared at nothing while the car heated. Many memories passed in those ten minutes. Four months of my young life flashed through my mind that cold November evening.

* * *

I felt like a mature 17 year old. I thought I could handle everything and anything. A year and a half earlier, my first love broke up with me. Then, a few months later, my favorite uncle died of old age, and my little terrior ran away. During that time, I struggled through a paternity suit with the man I had always known as my father. I wanted legal records that he fathered me, and his lawyers dragged me through hell. Genetic tests proved him to be my father. Yet, I still hurt. The pain in my heart drew me closer to disaster. Even after tests revealed that he fathered me, I still felt the pain.

Questions filled my mind about faith, family, and life. I turned to the Church for answers. Unfortunately, I found none. Nothing made sense to me. I put God out of my mind, and suppressed my emotions. I became strong and logical.

I don't know how the process occurred, but I changed. Science became my interest and faith slipped away. I thought about God occasionally, but could never reach a final decision. In time I forgot my doubts on religion. I focused on other activities. School, fire fighting, and my brother's up coming wedding occupied my thoughts.

To be an usher in my brother's wedding, I had to take adult religion classes at the urging of the Catholic Church. At first I objected, but my mother's pleas persuaded me to go back to Church. So, I gave religion one more chance. I attended the classes, but I left each night with feelings of mistrust. I did not believe anything the priest told me. Again, my faith fizzled, but hope in God lingered in the background.

* * *

My brother's wedding passed, and I soon started working at McDonald's. I met Marisa at the first day of my first real job. She stood behind the McDonald's register serving out hamburgers, fries, and Cokes. Dressed in dark blue pants, a purple shirt, and a blue cap, Marisa quickly caught my eye. Her beauty astonished me. Long blonde strands of hair fell out of the back of her cap, while short blonde bangs covered her forehead. Her face showed pure and natural beauty. She wore no make-up. I instantly fell in love. Of course, what does a 17 year old know about love?

During that first night, I spent every second trying to make eye contact with the cashier. Finally, our eyes met. She shot a glance my way and smiled. My heart filled with warmth. I had to get her number.

A tour bus emptied into the restaurant, sending all the employees into a frenzy. During the commotion, I grabbed my friend Emily by the arm.

"Emily, do you know that blonde?" I said quickly.
"Which one," she replied, "the bitch?"
"Ah, no, the pretty one."
"Yeah, I don't like her, she is a bitch" Emily retorted.
"Well, do you know her?" I asked tartly.
"Let me guess, you think she's cute. Right?"
"Yeah, I want her number. Can you get it?"

Emily turned and walked away. I became infuriated. My heart raced. I took Emily to her Junior Prom as a favor. Now, I asked her to do me one little gesture in return, and she stormed away.

Minutes later, Emily handed me a tiny piece of paper.
"You got it!" I exclaimed to Emily.
"Yeah, she told me that you are cute."
I smiled and glanced across the food warmers hoping to see the petite blonde.

"Her name is Marisa. She said she was kind of seeing someone, but you could call her anyway," said Emily with a hint of sarcasm. "I still don't like her. What are you doing?"

"Looking for her," I said as if Emily had no brain.
"She went home. Just call her later."
In my hand I had her name and number. I folded the paper with great care as if a sacred document laid in my hand. Then, I hid it in my wallet.

My first day had turned out well. I went home, ran to my bedroom and took out my wallet. I pulled the prized paper out of my wallet and placed it upon my bed. After I cleaned off from work, I went downstairs to eat dinner.

"How was your first day?" asked my mother.
"Ok," I said as any teenager asked such a question would answer.
"Well, did anything exciting happen?"
"I work with a cute girl," I said gleaming with sudden happiness.
"Well, that's nice," said my mom knowing I still hurt from my last break-up.

* * *

The first night I called Marisa, I felt terribly nervous. I sat staring at the phone for a half hour. Finally, I dialed her number.

"Hello, is Marisa home?"
"Yeah, hold on," said the boy's voice.
I felt relieved. Then, I heard the boy call for her.
"Miss, telephone," he screamed loudly.
"Who is it," she replied.
"I don't know."
"Well find out," she said sarcastically.
"Who's calling," he asked me.
"Michael, Michael from work."
"It's Michael from work," he screamed back.
Then, there was a minute of silence. I heard a screen door open, and then I could hear heavy breathing.

"Michael, can you hold on a sec?" Marisa asked me.
"Sure," I said.
"Great, be right back."

She set her phone down. I heard a thud. Then, the sound of a plastic bag being crinkled came through the phone. Next, I heard what sounded like the opening and closing of a large freezer.

"Ok, back," she said.
"Hey, this is Michael from work."
"Yeah, silly, I know," she laughed back at me.
"Oh, so am I bothering you?"
"No, not at all."
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I caught a rabbit," she responded.

With that line, I became a bit confused. What did she do with the rabbit? Was it her pet? And, the noise, what was that?

"Is it your pet?" I asked.
"Nope, I caught it outside."
"Oh, why did you catch a rabbit?"
"For biology," she answered.
"What was all that noise."
"I had to put it to sleep. I put it in a plastic bag so I could put it in the freezer."
"Ok," I said. "Why did you put it in the freezer?" "So that I did not have to break its neck. My teacher said its the best way to do it."

* * *

Our friendship grew over the next couple months. For some unknown reason, we never worked at McDonald's together after that first day. Even so, we spent hours and hours talking on the phone. We grew close, but not as boyfriend and girlfriend. We became close friends. She meant the world to me.

Marisa had an IQ higher than any other person I had ever met. A sophomore in high school, she had intentions of going to college her junior year. I looked up to her. I envied her. She had brains and beauty. Colleges had already offered her early scholarships to go to school for free. Her life had direction, yet she only recently received her driver's license.

Marisa drove horribly. Within the short period that she began driving, she wrecked 11 times. I constantly lectured her to be safe, to be cautious, and to drive slowly. I worried about her. In fact, her driving scared me. I feared for her life.

* * *

On November 17, I sat in my room wrapping a birthday present for my mother. Her birthday took place two days later. The phone rang.

"Hello."
"Mike," the voice said.
"Yeah," I responded.
"I don't know how to say this."
On the other end of the phone was, my co-worker, Boo, sat in silence.

"What's up?" I asked.
"Well, you know that blonde girl we work with?" Boo asked.
"Which one, Marisa?" I asked.
"Yeah, her."
"Yeah, her and I are going out this weekend," I said cheerfully.
"Mike, my cousin called me. Marisa was killed in a car wreck a few hours ago," said Boo.

"What?" I screamed. I had heard the call come in on my fire scanner for a wreck with entrapment earlier that day. Our fire department did not respond to the wreck, because it occurred on the other side of our neighboring township. I paid no attention to the scanner after I realized we were not responding on the call.

"She was killed in a car wreck today," repeated Boo.
Silence fell on our conversation for the next twenty minutes. Not a word transpired.

"Thank you for calling me," I said as a hung up the phone. I crawled onto my bed and cried. Eventually, anger replaced sadness that night.

The events of that day confirmed my intuition. God did not exist. I became an atheist. The events of the past few years culminated with Marisa's death. My doubts became facts.

* * *

Two days later, after eating ice cream cake for my mom's birthday, I put on a black suit and kissed my mom good-bye.

"You need to do this, Hon," mom said.
"I know, but I won't know anyone there."
"You will know your friend. You will be able to say good-bye to her."

"Mom, I'm scared. I don't think I'm strong enough to go," I said tearing at the eyes.

"I'll see you after you get back, now go." I drove away crying.

Pulling into the funeral home, I saw more than thirty teenagers lined out the main door. I circled the parking lot trying to decide whether or not to go into see her body. I parked, put on my sun glasses, and got out of the car. Silently, I walked to the end of the line. No one knew me. I never met any of Marisa's friends. Finally, I made it inside the funeral home.

The room filled with the cries of young teenagers, Marisa's friends and classmates. I finally made it to the viewing room. Directly ahead, a white coffin held the body of the prettiest and smartest girl I had ever met. I left the line of mourners waiting to give condolences to the family. Walking around to the side of the coffin, I could see Marisa's face. She wore a beautiful white gown, but I did not recognize the body in the gown. The girl laid out before me did not look like the cheerful Marisa that I had known. A hard cold expression had replaced the pretty smile that I first saw. I grew sick to my stomach, turned, and ran to the car. A part of me died that dreadful day, and I have never gained that loss back.

* * *

I never went to her burial. Grief had overwhelmed me too much. Young and naive, I did not know how to handle the situation. Marisa had touched my life like no other person ever had. I still think about her often, and wonder what could have been.

The burial service took place that Saturday. I stayed in bed, knowing that Marisa had died. The day of our first date had become the day she entered into the earth. I have missed her greatly. She touched my life as no other female ever has, and her death changed my life forever. I grew cold. I lost my faith. Still, to this day, I have dreams about that Friday night and that pure white coffin.

Her death marked a turning point in my life. I never had a strong faith in God to begin with, and had always had doubts. I reasoned that no loving God would take the life of such a beautiful and precious person. I've seen worse people live through more horrible accidents. Why was she taken from this Earth? I reasoned that no God would have allowed such a terrible act to happen.







*Note: These events did take place in my life. Unfortunately, I can not honestly say that they happened in this particular order. This is the order that I remembered them as taking place, even if they did not.

In mid August, 1998, Boo was in a vehicle accident in which he had been drinking. Today he is paralyzed from the chest down.

In my life, I have seen many many accidents as a volunteer fire-fighter. This story is my way of dealing with the pain of losing Marisa, and to teach you a lesson on reckless driving and of driving drunk. Please be safe and careful out there.