We, the Children of the Thug Immortal have uncovered the truth about the latest martial arts and fitness fad. It seems that Billy Blanks' Taebo workout may have been part of an alien effort to rid North Americans of our excess flabbage.
"It all started a few years ago when we noticed how pudgy you American humans have been getting" says Charles Zork, aka, Chuck The Buff Alien. "We felt simpathetic for your plight and decided we had to do something about it. So, seeing how much we like your Black People, we decided that Billy Blanks would be the perfect candidate to promote our effort". Chuck also pointed out that the reason why you never here about ghetto blacks being abducted is because the aliens figure black people have enough problems as it is without worrying about being taken off in a space ship. "Besides," added Chuck, "if the way Billy Blanks fights is any indication of how your Black People handle themselves, I think we Greys would be in for some major ass-whippings if we tried to give a black man an anal probe."
It seems that the Greys had kidnapped Blanks and implanted a chip in the back of his cerebral cortex. They then began beeming him images of being both human and alien working out to music. The only problem is that there was a malfunction in the chip, and an logical error on the alien's part. The music Billy Blanks first heard was actually Country Western.
"At first I thought I was having some kind of nightmare," said Blanks. "I mean really, a bunch of surbanites and aliens, dancing around, doing some kick-boxing moves to the beat of Clint Black. You know I thought I was going crazy! So I told my wife about it, and she just said 'Billy, honey, put it in the hands of the Lord'. So I did. But the music in my head was so loud that I had to listen to dance music to drown it out. And through that, I actually came up with Taebo. You know Tae stands for--"
At this point, I decided to cut him off. Having seen more than my fair share of infomercials, I know the spiel so well that I can say it backwards even if I were half asleep and sitting on the john at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Taebo was almost lost to us. It would have remained a personal nightmare of Billy Blanks had it not been for the courage of our Great Thug Immortal, Tupac. "Yo, man, when these grey headed niggas started telling me what they was doing to Bill and shit, I was like hold up, y'all better be sending his ass some Hip Hop, you know what I'm sayin? They told me they heard reports that his ass was getting some sort of country signals. I told them they had to put a stop to that shit right now!" Tupac, with the help of Biggie, and a few "Griggaz" (i.e., "Grey Alien Niggaz" who loved Rap music and Ghetto culture), came up with an anti-country signal that beemed nothing but tight beats and lyrics to Blanks' chip. In time, the cowboy music nightmares ceased and Billy Blanks was able to move forward and bring his creation to the world.
"After finally hearing some music I could actually imagine Black People ENJOYING, I decided to talk to my wife about my ideas. She suggested using dance music instead of rap because she didn't want to alienate any of my female students. Which I could understand, because I really couldn't see any ladies doing roundhouse kicks to a song that says her vagina is free because the drugs cost money," said a concerned, contemplative Blanks. "That's because in TaeBo, the 'T' stands for--"
Again, I had to cut Mister Blanks off and move the interview forward before I got a two-hour lecture on the meaning to TaeBo.
After the huge success behind TaeBO, it seems that the Greys on Yilamhar became envious, and wanted to keep the workout for themselves.
"Things were getting crazy" said Chuck The Buff Alien. "Our leaders were talking about how much they wanted that workout here, on our world. So they decided to kidnap Billy. The only problem with the idea was that every time we sent some people down to kidnap him, they kept getting their butts kicked!."
"Yeah", said Blanks, "I thought it was another nightmare thing. I'd be in my dojo, then whoosh, I'd be in some weird room with these funny looking grey people trying to grab me. So I had to rely on my training in order to escape." He went to say that he ended up fighting alien karate champions, and a few alien Judo masters before the Greys reached a compromise. "After the twelfth butt kicking, they decided to let me visit their world for a while and come up with an Alien version of TaeBo that the Greys would like. It's basically the same thing as the Earth workout, only without as much neck movement. They have such big heads and small necks. I was afraid they might tip over or something!"
The Greys train in gigantic sweat saucers, which is their intergallactic equivalent of a fitness center. It allows them to train in all parts of the galaxy, in all temperatures, and at all levels of gravity. We also heard rumors that Biggie Smalls was training in a low gravity environment in order to keep from passing out while doing TaeBo.
"After I spread the word about TaeBo on their world, they gave me the funding I needed to get started here. In fact, a few of them are hanging out now in my classes, disguised as human celebreties. They like to come to Earth to work out because they feel like there I am giving them the real thing, the real way. That Real Way is: TaeBo." A philosophical Blanks, paused, then continued. "You know, Tae-Bo can---"
"Alright Bill, enough of the promo shit," interjected Tupac. "Look, we got these pudgy, greazy ass alien motherfuckers up in a nigga crib. Let's get our sweat on and do this!"
We now know the Truth about TaeBo. It really is an alien inspired effort for Billy Blanks to help our race and the Grey race fight against the evils of Cellulite and Couch Potato Syndrome. And, were it not for the courage and the wisdom of the Great Thug Immortal, Tupac, we'd all be sweatin' and kickin' to the beat of Harry Connick Jr., while standing next to those two hiker guys from Deliverance.
"He shore is a purdy lil' alien...."
Imagine the horror......