The adorable little space monsters are not just some Japanese marketing ploy to make money off of stupid Americans. We of The Children of the Thug Immortal have learned that they are real creatures who have come to Earth from outer space to here Hip Hop and check out the birth planet of their favorite rapper, Tupac.
When asked how he learned about Pokemon, Tupac had this to say: "Yo, these grey alien fools was feel a little bad for a brother, 'cause I ain't been to Earth in a few years, youknowhatI'msayin'? Even though they kept a nigga up with Taebo, bringing Billy Blanks up here and what not, they still knew that thinks wasn't all straight up 'hood. So what they did was let me on a little secret; them little Pokemon bastards is real peeps, Dog, and guess what? They came to Earth to check out some Hip Hop and to peek a nigga's rap skills!"
Tupac has only one Pokemon, Jiggachu. Jiggachu is an electrical Pokemon from the Pikachu family. It looks identical to an ordinary Pikachu except that from time to time, it prefers to shoot the other Pokemon with it's 9mm, instead of using an electrical attack. Jiggachu also gain strength after they down a forty ounce of malt liquor, or smoke a bag of marijuana. Jiggachu are unique in that they possess rare pugilistic abilities, much like the ghetto residents on Earth. They will slap silly any other Pokemon they feel monster is annoying them at the moment. As of this date, no Jiggachu have been captured by a suburban child on Earth. Jiggachu have been known to either pull out an uzi to intimitate a pursuer or band together and do a drive-by shooting on any trainer that tries to capture them. Thus, no trainer can choose to own a Jiggachu; THEY CHOOSE YOU.
We asked Tupac how he came across Jiggachu. "Jiggachu came up on me when I was out drinkin' a fory with Shanikwa and Di. We was chillin' and everything, and then up jumps this little rat lookin' m*th*f*k*. I was like yo! Hold up! What the f*k is this, right, and then it just stood there. All it kept saying was 'Jeegga, Jeega' at first. Then, yo, I swear to God, it lookeddid right at me and said 'Tupac, Tupac, Jeega's Nigga!'" Tupac then passed his "little yellow shorty" the bottle and Jiggachu finished the rest of it with one big gulp. "Then he pulled out a joint and lit that muhfuh with some electricity and shit. I was like f*k it, he in there now, and he been chillin' with us ever since." Tupac used to enter Jiggachu in Pokemon competitions on Yilamhar, but the little ghetto Pokemon got disqualified for unnessary roughness. "They just mad because he bitch-slapped some Squirtle, that's all".
The Thug Immortal gave us his opinion on the fear and paranoia surrounding the Pokemon craze on Earth lead by worried parents and media figures like Bishop Carlton Pearson and his Azusa International Organization. "They just trippin' 'cause they scared of some different stuff, that's all. Yo, just like they be trippin' 'cause they don't like Hip-Hop, same way they are trippin' of some Pokemon. But it's all good though, it's all good. Jiggachu and me ain't sweatin' it, and as far as the other Pokemon, they don't care either. As long as fools keep buying Poke-stuff, my little yellow fool here and all his peeps is gonna get paid."
"Jeega----Jeega richa!" chimed the little yellow gangsta.
Bishop Carton Pearson (shown above after the equals sign) is an outspoken evangelist who has launched his own crusade against the Pokemon craze. He is selling a video called "Pokemon: The Myster of Pocket Monsters."EDITOR'S NOTE: OKAY PEOPLE, I AM MAKING
UP THE REST OF THIS GAG ABOUT TUPAC AND THE ALIENS AND WHAT NOT, BUT THE VIDEO AGAINST POKEMON IS REAL. I'M SERIOUS. YOU CAN E-MAIL THOSE PEOPLE AT mail@azusa.org
AND ASK THEM IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THEM ON CABLE ALREADY. AND YET SOME OF YOU ALL THINK THAT
I AM CRAZY!!!!
However, Tupac and Jiggachu have revealed to us a most startling fact; it seems that the Bishop Carlton Pearson is not fully human at all, but the product of a weird alien experiment where some DNA from actor Jaleel White were crossed with a Squirtle in an attempt to create a ghetto Pokemon that could defeat Jiggachu. "Squrkle", the bishop's real name, seems to have escaped from the laboratory, found false religion, and is now on a self-hating rampage to elimate all "pure-blood" Pokemon.
"The brother do mean well", said Tupac, "but he all mixed up and shit, because his ass is half black and half Squirtle. Y'all know how hard it is for people that come from a home where one parent is different. Now imagine how that would be if your mamma was a turtle or some shit. You feel me, Dog?" Tupac says that Squrkle feels that by denouncing and demonizing the games and his alien ancestors, he will cause human beings to avoid anything and everything Pokemon, and somehow prevent another Poke-MAN hybrid. "It's sad, yo, it's sad. His little half-turtle ass really don't know who he is."
"Ga-chu!" chimed Jiggachu.
We tried to reach Jaleel White for comment about the story. Although he declined a formal interview, he did admit to having a little too much to drink at a Hollywood Halloween party and falling asleep next to a woman in a turtle outfit. He told us he is unsure as to whether or not the woman was really an alien, but he does admit that Bishop Pearson does resemble what a child made by a space reptile and him might look like. He also said that aliens have tried to abduct him on one occasion, but decided to release him after he did an Urkel snort laugh for them that blasted some snot inside of an empty beaker.
Man, what will those Greys think of next.
Peace, Long Live 'Pac!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Thugminister